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Dumped and scared

(14 Posts)
thatdoesntsurpriseme Wed 30-Dec-15 01:56:49

This morning my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me. I am 28 and I have no children. I am devastated. I thought he was going to propose soon. He wasn't. We are locked into a help to buy mortgage for another 5 months so we will have to stay in the same house. He is adamant that there is no chance of trying again. I was blindsided, though he says it is all due to me and my actions over the last few years.

I am terrified of being alone forever and of losing him. I feel like someone has died.

What do I do? I don't have many friends and I have a job I hate and was planning to leave to help our relationship. I can't afford to buy a new house or flat alone and I am completely devastated.

Please hold my hand.

AlwaysBeYourself Wed 30-Dec-15 02:01:35

Sorry your going through this

missingmumxox Wed 30-Dec-15 02:29:50

Horrible feeling we have l been there, end of the world, wish we could sleep for a few months until the pain can leave, unfortunately we can't so we get on with it,
Indulge yourself, cry, weep, get it out, 5 months is nothing, but don't wollow, move forward a inch at a time you will get there, I met my dh at 27 and had children at 35, you will get through this.

LucyBabs Wed 30-Dec-15 02:34:08

Holding your hand that bloody hell it does feel like someone has died doesn't it?

My dp ended our 10 year relationship two months ago and I'm still reeling. It doesn't help we have two young dc so I need to see him. We've also just spent Christmas together, our last as a family. He went to his own place on Sunday night, and here I am picking up the pieces while trying to smile for the kids.
He'll be here tomorrow and my mask will go back on till he goes home sad

flowers cake For you op

Stormyrainbow Wed 30-Dec-15 03:06:40

I completely feel your pain as I'm going through something very similar although I am now almost 2 months down the line.

I'm 28 and my relationship of 4.5 years ended at the beginning of Nov (which was a complete shock to me).

Unfortunately there's no easy way to get through the first few weeks/month it is relentless. You will grieve, cry, shout and it is awful. I also had anxiety attacks as I was left without a home or job (due to a recent relocation). BUT I promise it does start to get easier. One small step at a time.

2 months on and I've laughed, smiled and had fun with friends. I've even chatted to hot guys! Something I never thought would have been possible 6 weeks ago...

Try and speak to a best friend or family, they were my rocks through the early stages and still are now.

I'd also advise getting some space and moving out ASAP to stay with a friend or family. Then cutting contact with your ex unless it's to discuss urgent matters such as finances. Honestly it only prolongs the heartache if you keep in touch. You can't force him to be in a relationship with you, so the best thing is to give each other space and then if does want to reconcile he'll reach out. I know this is easy said than done, I've certainly had a few wobbles.

I promise you will start to feel better with time, you'll even find yourself thinking of all the bad things about him and probably why you weren't that well suited for the long haul. I'm now even excited about meeting someone better in the future and what my life could look like.

I've used the time on my own to go travelling, I went and stayed with a friend who live abroad and managed to pick up a bit of freelance work.

You do not need a man to be happy. Do not let this destroy you. Just take one step at a time flowers

Stormyrainbow Wed 30-Dec-15 03:11:52

Also don't stress about being able to buy a house on your own. After live with my ex I'm now going to have to go back to my parents and then look into renting/house shares. Not something I thought I'd be doing at 28. But try and look at the positives, opportunity to make new friends and being a bit selfish for a while!

thatdoesntsurpriseme Wed 30-Dec-15 07:37:55

Thank you all. We are in London which is expensive and I don't have any family near so moving out isn't an option for either of us and I don't have a lot of friends so I am struggling with people to talk to. I just feel like someone has died. He has dredged up sentences said years ago as reasons why he doesn't want to continue and I just can't persuade him that things have changed or that he has often deliberately provoked a reaction. It's all come to a head after an argument which he seems to consider the worst thing ever just because his parents overheard some of it...

I literally haven't eaten in 3 days and I can't keep anything down. What do I do?

ravenmum Wed 30-Dec-15 08:04:17

My husband brought up things I had done as much as 18 years before, i.e. before we got married, had kids etc. Things I knew were not as he described, but were so long ago I couldn't remember how it was. I looked in diaries trying to show him he was wrong.

Now I understand that it was not about me being mean throughout our relationship ... He was simply looking for a way of dumping me while continuing to be the good guy, and he really had to dig back a long way.

Later I found he had an OW, and that he was giving her and others completely different stories about why I was the birch and him the poor victim - complete lies. Obviously he couldn't give me those lies, so he had to resort to all this archaeological digging.

It is not you. He knew you and claimed to like you at the time. He can't change those facts now.

ravenmum Wed 30-Dec-15 08:09:37

He's bowled you over with this so you're panicking and everything seems impossible, but as time passes, things will gradually untangle. The sooner you can get away from his manipulation, though, the sooner you'll see through it.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Wed 30-Dec-15 08:16:05

flowers for you...whatever his complaints are he is just using them to enable his departure, its nothing about you, honestly. He just doesn't have the guts to tell you he has already moved on without you. I am sorry you are in this situation, I can only hope good things are round the corner for you, hopefully your time will come soon.

tribpot Wed 30-Dec-15 08:23:41

Stop trying to persuade him to give this another try. I know it's hard when you're desperate but the way he is behaving is unacceptable - he's basically manufacturing a reason to split and making it all your fault (ravenmum has got it right about his likely motive). He is being cruel and unfeeling and frankly he sounds awful. You've had a lucky escape. As you do start to detach I think you will see more clearly examples of his manipulation throughout your relationship.

So, to practicalities. Do the terms of your mortgage allow for a room to be let out? This would allow you to fund a room in a shared house - I think it would be good for you to be with other people.

What is it you hate about your job? Why were you planning to leave 'to help your relationship', what does that mean? Can you start looking around for another job?

Can you go and visit a friend elsewhere and get some kindness and care there? Things won't seem as bleak when you're not trying to deal with this all alone, with him dripping poison in your ear.

Cabrinha Wed 30-Dec-15 08:30:50

You have my sympathy because it's just horrible being dumped, and the first weeks are terrible, really physically painful.

But...

A 28yo woman was going to give up her job to "help our relationship"?
What nonsense is this? I say thank fuck you didn't do something so silly before he ended it!

You don't have family in the area, many friends, and you hate your job, and can't afford to buy in London.

So... MOVE! Time for a new start.
You don't need to stay in your place for 5 months at all. That will be horrible. He's ended it, so he can deal with the practical pain of that. Choose some potential areas (near friends and family? Cheaper?) and start the job search. If you go sooner rather than later, he can get a lodger on the quiet to cover your mortgage share. I expect he can afford the full payment anyway if you were planning to give up your job hmm

Look for a better job, in a cheaper area, commit to building a social life in that area (like using Meetup) and get out there and fuck him and his dredging up old shit!

Look, if you're relationship was bad enough you had to give up work to fix it, sounds to me like you're actually better to be free of it.

I know it's shit today, I'm sorry. But 28 is no age when it comes to looking for a life partner and having kids. You're actually in a good position that you're moving on now, not in 5 years time.

Good luck - there's a better job out there for you!

Stormyrainbow Wed 30-Dec-15 17:24:14

That's great advice Cabrinha!

I moved to another country with my ex partner and then when it ended I took myself off to another country to visit and work for a while. I'm

Stormyrainbow Wed 30-Dec-15 17:27:41

Pressed send too soon! And then once my short term work visa runs out I'll have to start all over again in the UK. Not in our old house or town (as too many memories and not our house anymore) but somewhere completely new. But that's exciting in some ways as it can be a complete fresh start! I know it's incredibly sickeningly painful at the moment but try and look at a few positives. In terms of eating, I struggled for a couple of weeks and just tried to keep drinking water and eating small bits and pieces of what I fancied.

There is no quick fix or special pill you can take to remove the pain but I promise you'll get there. Just try and be strong. One man is not worth destroying your life for.

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