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No intimacy

(28 Posts)
Jamandcheese Tue 29-Dec-15 21:16:48

I have no one to talk to about this and it's start to make me feel Crap.

We've been married for 7 years and have two DC, 5 and 3.

But we aren't really intimate anymore. We don't kiss anymore apart from the perfunctory kiss in the cheek in the morning. We don't sleep together. Part from once or twice a year. It's been like this for two years. DH will hug me or lie down on the couch with me while we watch tv. But that's it. I feel like we are room mates who live together and just happen to have kids.

I don't feel loved anymore. I feel like we just do our duty and that's it. There's no real fun or spark between us.

We've been to therapy and we are still in the same boat. I feel like I'm always asking for kisses or suggesting we DTD. But nothing helps.

Just so I don't drip fees, we have been through a lot. DH had a one night stand and was caught drink driving. And that was why we went to therapy.

How long do I keep waiting? Do some couples just go through life with no intimacy and are ok?

LuluJakey1 Tue 29-Dec-15 21:36:13

It sounds all wrong. DH and I have been together 7 1/2 yrs, married 6 1/2, DS is 1 tomorrow. We are still very close physically- cuddle up in bed every night, hold hands, kiss lots, sex a few times a week, mess about and flirt with each other. I don't know that I would want a relationship where that wasn't the case. I think every relationship goes throgh slightly less intimate patches but you sound like you are describing a real lack of desire for each other. How big an issue does your DH think it is?

What part does the ONS and drink driving have in this- both very risky behaviours yet he sounds quite reserved?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 29-Dec-15 21:40:21

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is really keeping you within all this?.

Do you think this marriage is over really in all bar name?.

Were the issues surrounding the one night stand happening ever properly explained and explored?. Did he take full responsibility for his actions?.

What sort of therapy has been done?.

If he is really not interested or bothered you cannot carry this relationship on your own.

What do you think you are both teaching your children about relationships here; that a loveless marriage could be their "norm" too going forward. They see your lack of affection and perhaps even disdain and dislike towards each other but cannot express this to you as they do not understand it. They just see you unhappy/ They also see and hear far more than you perhaps care to realise; you are showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you. Is this what you want for yourself as well as them?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time; still in this same situation?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 29-Dec-15 21:41:48

Same btw for the drink driving; did he accept full responsibility for his actions?.

What counselling if any have you had on your own?.

Jamandcheese Tue 29-Dec-15 23:14:34

He did take responsibility for the ONS and drink driving. It took some time
To get through the pain and hurt.

The counseling made him admit to things which he wouldn't to before. And see things in a different light.

He acknowledges that we aren't intimate. But says the lying on the couch and maybe hugging in bed is enough to show his affection. But I don't think it is. Anytime I ask for a kiss, it's a peck on the cheek or forehead. If I say lets have sex, we don't. He just doesn't want to.

It's not the marriage I wanted. I didn't think we would be at this point. Before we got married and in the first few years, we were so close intimately. But it all changed about two years ago. And it makes me feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

And I am worried about what the kids see. They must see the lack of affection.

I wonder if I should just give up and realize that we won't be intimate again. Apart from
The once or twice a year that we DTD

Jamandcheese Tue 29-Dec-15 23:27:57

I haven't had any counseling on my own. Only the marriage counseling that we had together. But this issue sticks out like a sore thumb.

I know where I see us in a years time. The same place where we are now. A functioning friendship. We get on with each other, we parent and that's it.

Youdontownme Tue 29-Dec-15 23:36:25

I'm in the same position with my husband, except the reverse. Weve been together 15 years. He wants intimacy, but I just don't love him anymore, and can't bear him touching me. We get on, like friends, but that's it. He knows how I feel, and I've decided enough is enough and we can't carry on anymore. I'm saving up so I can move out. It's not fair on either of us, just going through the motions, when we could both be happy elsewhere. Perhaps your husband feels the same, but doesn't want to hurt you?

LuluJakey1 Tue 29-Dec-15 23:52:31

So what happened 2 years ago?

FATEdestiny Wed 30-Dec-15 00:01:42

I don't ask my husband for a kiss. I just kiss him. What would he do if you just kissed him?

I don't also would never ask my husband for sex (I can think of nothing more unromantic as saying "lets have sex", as you mention). Instead I flirt or do nice things like a leg tickle while we are lying on the sofa. Or whatever blush

Point is, saying "Can I have a kiss" or "Lets have sex" is hardly a good way to elicit either of these things.

Jamandcheese Wed 30-Dec-15 00:16:39

So two years ago, we had been through the aftermath of hi drunk driving and the court case. And in therapy, he said it was his guilt of everything that has happened which has caused the lack of intimacy. But he doesn't try at all. And I'm worried that this is all it will be.

If he wanted to leave me, he's been given many opportunities. And I'm sure in therapy he would have said. He was more open than he has been before. But he said that isn't what he wanted

LuluJakey1 Wed 30-Dec-15 00:19:42

Does he never 'loosen up' and just kiss you or you him or just get romantic? What would he do if you did? Does he pay you compliments? Flirt? Do you do that to him? Or is thete just nothing?

Jamandcheese Wed 30-Dec-15 00:47:53

I've tried to just kiss him but he makes sure that it's just a peck.

If I try and flirt with him and initiate something he tells me that he's tired or not in the mood. And now, after trying for a long time, I feel like there is wall between us and I can't try. I'm worried about being rejected.

I know asking for a kiss or sex isn't romantic, but I don't know what else to do.

I feel lonely in this marriage.

Jamandcheese Wed 30-Dec-15 00:50:33

No he doesn't loosen up. He doesn't really pay compliments. We don't flirt at all.

He goes to work, comes home, we eat while watching tv and then just watch tv.

We might put our feet up on each other or my head on his shoulder. That's it. But he thinks that's enough to show me that he cares.

FATEdestiny Wed 30-Dec-15 00:50:53

I went through a period of time of lack of intimacy in my marriage. We spent years blaming each other and then simmering with resentment surrounding the issue.

We never have sex because he.... and yet he blames me!
We never have sex because she... and yet she blames me!

We were both equally as stubborn - I blamed him and wanted him to accept the blame and be proactive to resolve it. He blamed me and wanted me to accept the blame and be proactive to solve it.

Do you know what resolved it? I just decided to be a big girl and stop trying to assign blame. I decide to just start being intimate. No one was to blame it just needed solving, so I solved it.

I simply started being kind and intimate. I gave tickles. I stroked his skin at random points during the day. I stood close to him. Said nice things. Told him how special he was. Pulled him into embraces, cuddles and kisses throughout the day.

Kindness breeds kindness. It was almost instant, like a switch. It wasn't just me doing all of the above. As soon as I started being nice, he started reciprocating. Suddenly we went from little or no intimacy (for extended periods of time) to tons and tons of intimacy within a week.

I used a similar 'grab the bull by the horns' method regarding our sex life. I decided to stop blaming him for us not having sex and just start having sex. I bought in (consciously and deliberately) sexual innuendos during our normal converstaions, made it all funny, light hearted, less of an 'issue'.

So maybe my way is Anti-Feminist? I don't know. Maybe I should have insisted he made these changes and he lead the changes? Maybe by the fact that I decided to 'give in' first, that means I did myself a disservice? I don't think so though. I think I single handedly saved our marriage. Me alone, I did the doing, I did the solving. And I know my husband is very, very thankful and grateful that I was a bigger woman than he was a man to stand up and take the challenge and just do it.

So Jamandcheese - why are you waiting for him to solve the problems with your intimacy? Could you not just decide to start being intimate, kind and complimentary to him and see what happens?

FATEdestiny Wed 30-Dec-15 01:10:29

He doesn't really pay compliments. We don't flirt at all.

Pay him compliments. Flirt with him. Even if it is not reciprocated initially carry on with a warm smile on your face.

I've tried to just kiss him but he makes sure that it's just a peck.

My husband isn't much of a snogger unless we are in the middle of foreplay. But a deep peak is OK. Look into his eyes. Or kiss (peck) him twice. Add an "I love you" or a "You are fantastic you know, I love you very much"

If I try and flirt with him and initiate something he tells me that he's tired or not in the mood

That sounds like you mean flirting like you are trying to have sex. That is missing the fun of flirting. It doesn't matter if he is tired for you to say "nice legs in those shorts". Or smile and tell him how great he looks in that shirt. Or that he smells nice, he has had a good shave (come here and let me kiss it to check its smooth enough), his hair looks nice like that. That he is so kind and thoughtful to make you a cup of tea. and so on...

Flirty text him through the day. Nothing obscene, just love you millions, miss you, thinking about you texts.

I feel like there is wall between us and I can't try

I know exactly what you mean. Exactly.

I am not suggesting here that your marriage is hunky dori and that all will be well. There may be deep-seated issues in relation to what you have been through and these might ultimately result in the end of your relationship

I am just saying that if you wanted to, you could stop the blame. Stop the resentment. Stop the passive aggressive or the arguments and discussion regarding your intimacy. And just start being intimate.

As simple as that. Just start doing it.

Remember though that being intimate is not the same as having sex. I would deal with the intimacy first - being kind, doing selfless things, putting the other person first, making the other person feel good about themselves, ego massaging.

If your relationship is worth saving then the intimacy will be two way quickly. Both of you will be putting the other first, making each other feels special and important. As long as you make a decision to stop analysing and blaming and resenting - and instead start being genuinely kind with no ulterior motive.

LuluJakey1 Wed 30-Dec-15 08:54:58

^^What Fate says.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 30-Dec-15 09:11:07

Here is a woman being rejected and humiliated by her partner and she's being told to work at being more seductive?

Wow.

He needs to talk- explain why he's doing this and if he's not prepared to work with you on this, you've only got two options- stay or go.

Thankgodforthat Wed 30-Dec-15 09:19:04

I stopped wanting to be intimate with my exh and I used to freeze at his touch and cringe when he started the playful comments or saucy texts. If he had done any of what FATE suggests I would have hated it.

I suppose it would have brought things to a head and I would have left earlier because when the desire for intimacy has completely gone I think it's a sign that the relationship is on its last legs.

I'm not talking about those times when the dc are little and not sleeping and there are work and financial stresses to get through. That can be temporary. But your relationship op sounds like it is dying a death. You have had therapy and nothing has changed. You know in a year's time, the situation will be the same. So can you accept it or are you prepared to call it a day?

kittybiscuits Wed 30-Dec-15 09:20:53

He doesn't want to. He doesnX😨

kittybiscuits Wed 30-Dec-15 09:21:42

Whoops - sorry - fat fingers - will try again!

kittybiscuits Wed 30-Dec-15 09:28:33

He doesn't want to be intimate and he doesn't want to talk about it. The suggestion that you take the bull by the horns is a terrible one in this situation. It's already very damaging to your self-esteem and emotional well-being. He has uniliterally decided that this is how your relationship will be. Are there any other areas where he cares for you and shows love and consideration? Or does he just generally disregard you completely? Why would you keep waiting? Being in a relationship completely lacking in intimacy is soul destroying. Have you given serious thought to ending the relationship?

kittybiscuits Wed 30-Dec-15 09:32:01

He will be getting his intimacy needs met elsewhere BTW. With my ex it was through porn mostly and affairs occasionally. When I told him I couldn't bear to be so lonely and unhappy any longer - it was breaking my heart - he didn't look at me and he didn't say a word. Please don't allow yourself to be so eroded.

hairyhighlander Wed 30-Dec-15 10:12:55

I agree with what FATE said as this happened to us too. We hadnt DTD for around 7 years! I felt exactly like you did and decided to try and sort it. We had a long conversation away from home where there would be no distractions and basically said that I wanted something sorted. Suggested a massage, rather than sex, and it went MUCH beter than either of us expected and has carried on since then. We are both so much happier. We have a great life, no stress and no children and yet we managed to get into this situation. I'm happier now than I have been for years and feel in love again. Weve been together 33 years.

My husband felt bad about the situation too but, unlike me, was unsure how to rectify it. He wasnt going elsewhere, nor does he watch porn. I'm the stronger character and I wanted to change things - and I'm so glad I took the chance and made a move.

Thankgodforthat Wed 30-Dec-15 10:21:23

Well you both have to be up for making an effort. In my case I would have found a massage even worse than sex. It's more intimate in a way.

Only you know if it's worth it op.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 30-Dec-15 10:32:25

So you both had a conversation and agreed you would both make an effort, hairy? That's rather different from cooing and stroking the leg of a man who won't kiss you, say nice things to you or shag you.

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