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Sunk so low I don't recognise me

(32 Posts)
Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 11:20:24

I think it's important for me to put some back story in here. I went through a horrible separation in 2013 where my DP left me very unexpectedly and devalued me / rewrote our entire history together and generally just completely destroyed my peace of mind.

I can't stress enough that this was not an arsehole or a bad relationship, this was a relationship spanning many years, we lived together, due to be married and as far as I knew he was (a) the nicest man on earth and (b) completely in love with me.

He left me out of nowhere, and fro that day absolutely anything bad he could have done to me - he did it.

- Refusing to explain
- Refusing to even talk to me
- Telling me it was my fault with crazy reasons
- Badmouthing me and lying
- Fucking me over financially
- Putting photos of me on adult friendfinder

You name it, he did it. And this ensued several months of the most extreme psychological abuse from him, during which I did not defend myself- because as far as I was concerned this was my beloved DP who would not harm a fly.

I worked my way through it with counselling, but it was bad for the first 18 moths. Working was hard, I foun it hard to speak to people. I was having severe night terrors that were causing me to have to change the sheets and my clothes in the middle of the nights, and I could not really connect to other people so ended them due to not being ready. I had a couple of very short relationships with nice men who wanted to save me but I wasn't ready.

I picked myself back up, moved far away from xDP and started a new life for 2015.

2015 has been my first foray into internet dating and in Jan 2015 I met a man on Tinder, let's call him Sam, and he became one of many I was texting. He kept asking me out and I kept saying no but he wanted to keep in touch - he just wasn't my type but he seemed nice.

So I dated man 1 from January, and seemed really nice but worked overseas a lot. Then he started to act strange and got caught in a few lies so after 3 months I ended the relationship and subsequently discovered he was in a relationship with numerous other people.

From April I dated man 2 and he also seemed really nice and really into me, but we dated for 4 months and after 4 months we finally slept together and he dumped me and blocked me on Facebook the very next day saying he was sorry and "not ready for a relationship".

I was totally downcast at the end of those two relationships, but truthfully hadn't been in love with either of them so decided to stay positive. All the way through, I stayed in contact with Sam, and we swapped dating stories and we were becoming friends. We started to do thinks as friends..like walking the dog or going to the cinema. By this point Sam had become a really good friend to me and i cared a lot about him.

All the way through, Sam kept saying he felt we'd be so good together, and he wanted to be with me. He didn't seem to have much success with dating himself but he was a good friend.

One night after a few drinks we ended up in bed, and it was actually suprisingly very good and felt fantastic. Thus begun a relationship of sorts. We would pretty much see each other once a week and spend time together and I started to feel very attached to him. Unlike anyone else I had dated since my DP - with him I felt very safe, loved and connected and I was genuinely happy for the first time I remember. He seemed such a kind guy, and so into me. I let him meet my DS, which is the first person since DP and I felt pretty sure we would stay together.

Then after about 7 or 8 weeks of us having a wonderful time he started to act strange and not as interested in me, which really hurt me. It turned out that basically he didn't want commitment (he had told me he was very scared of it several times before we even got together) but basically he'd started to talk to someone else behind my back. In the end he slept with her and I found out via pretty horrible means and it was just awful.

I was honestly just so devastated. I really trusted him, and he'd specifically said he wasn't talking to or with anyone else and was just so convincing and he'd made me believe he wasn't like all the others. I didn't understand why he'd spent all year telling me how wonderful I was and how much he wanted me, only to get me and pretty much immediately do this sad

That happenned 5 weeks or so ago and have found it really hard to bounce back. I can't concentrate to get any work done, my flat is a mess, I stopped showering, I have gone back to smoking and I am coughing so badly I can barely catch my breath, I don't want to do anything and just feel so tired. I missed a really important work thing yestrday from over sleeping. It's nothing like me, and I am not depressed. Just broken.

The worst part is that I am letting Sam walk all over me. At first when I found out he was completely begging me to forgive him and take him back and giving me reasons and telling me I meant far too much to him to lose. I told him to fuck off but was secretly glad he was begging me. It was so unlike my xDP who just ran off and never wanted to see me again.

A week passed, and I was strangely completely upset that he'd accepted my request to "fuck off", and I ended up contacting him and saying we could be friends if he wanted (cringe, I know). He then somehow completely turned the tables by acting frosty with me like I had been the one to hurt him, and although he replied, he was very cold like he didn't want to talk to me.

I left it, and then a week passed and he started sending me dirty texts. Like how he missed licking me, how beautiful I was, how much he loved our incredible sex and how hard it was to let that go sad

A person with a shred of dignity would have told him to fuck off...but I actually just accepted it and even replied in kind sad He now wants to see me for sex!!! And he's now seeing BOTH of us with commitment to neither one.

I am trying to get my head around how a man chased me for most of the year, built up my frust and friendship, lied to me and cheated on me right off the bat and that I am now somehow not only forgiving him, but happy to be his casual fuck while he continues a relationship with someone else.

I have not actually done it yet, but we are talking.

Please help me. This is not me at all.

Reese123 Tue 29-Dec-15 11:28:15

Be brave you are just speaking to Sam out of loneliness, you know you don't want to go down this road, you deserve someone much better. Sam isn't really worth knowing and you know that. Let him go, it will be hard at first but will get better in time. He actually sounds like someone I dated - it was hard at first but I was ever going to be with someone who couldn't commit. I may not have much confidence but know I'm worth more than that. Good luck you can do it.

category12 Tue 29-Dec-15 11:32:11

OK, well you haven't done it yet, and you're reaching out for help, so well done.

Now. Block him everywhere. Take control, dump the fucker.

Have you any friends or family you can spend time with? Go off somewhere with dc for the weekend? A day off to howl and then lots of self care and things to keep you occupied.

Don't let yourself go further down this road. You don't want this.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Dec-15 11:34:40

I am going to be tough with you. Feel free to ignore if you wish.

Come on. You are better than this. You are putting your feelings of self esteem into the hands of men. Not just "Sam" but in general. Perhaps that is something to do with your old abusive relationship, perhaps not. But how long are you willing to use that as an excuse for frankly doormat behaviour. Sam must think he is a dog with two dicks. Where is your self respect ? Where is your sass ? You must have had some once, find it again and tell Sam to go fuck himself.

I guarantee that doing this will make you feel better than the current neediness you are signposting for any old shitty bloke to home in on.

Amammi Tue 29-Dec-15 11:45:50

You poor thing my heart breaks for you. Look you recognise these as bad behaviours on the part of the men and that shows you do have a great handle on your self worth and value. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just a bad picker and maybe that's more to do with how you are meeting guys (via tinder) than any bad judgement on your part. Not sure if you have any other routes of meeting dates via a sport or hobby and even friends of friends can break your heart but perhaps it's best to steer clear of Internet for a while best of luck to you. You sound very strong inspite of this bad luck.xx

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 29-Dec-15 11:46:43

He's a bad person. He's a messed up, manipulative, unkind, selfish person and if you go there he will wreck your head. You have a child to think of - cut this poison out of your life or your child will suffer as a result of the head fuck you will experience.

Nothighgaphere Tue 29-Dec-15 11:47:45

Yes. Stay away from OLD and men in general for a bit. You're too vulnerable and not ready. Look after yourself .And deffo fuck that Sam right off. Who does he think he is! You're going to have to do all the clichéd things to fill your life, gym, work, join groups etc. It will get better. Get angry and get assertive. Good luck. New year new start. You've been thoroughly traumatised by your ex. It was a proper horrific attack on you. That would take ages to get over.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 29-Dec-15 11:48:49

You really need to love yourself and be happy in your own skin.

You seem to be seeking validation by being in a relationship.

Do you have friends and family close by?

Rally round friends, sort yourself out. Enjoy just being you, enjoy your little boy, enjoy being just the two of you.

Also I don't think tinder is the best place to look for a relationship I think it is mainly just for hookups but that's entirely down to you.

I'd learn to be happy in my own skin before looking for a relationship.

Delete and block sleazy guy.

Sort yourself out, ensure you do not lose your job, concentrate on getting back on track there. Take care of yourself and your son.

Take a little time out from dating, you seem to place your value in relationships. Don't do that.

Sum314 Tue 29-Dec-15 11:51:43

I agree with Anyfucker. Sometimes they say that if you smile you feel a bit happier. Well act like a strong woman with self-respect and if you do it enough times, it will be how you really feel.

I haven't braved tinder, but I am on POF and I think my profile makes it abundantly clear that I'm not after anything casual. I could be wrong about tinder, everybody seems to be on it. I also agree with amammi though, I'd take a break from internet dating for a while, read some good books about self-esteem, dating for women... books that will bolster you up a bit.

Cabrinha Tue 29-Dec-15 11:54:02

You poor thing.
What really jumps out though, is after your describe your horrible long term boyfriend, everything else is about men.
Where is Merrihow in all this?
You don't have to have a boyfriend.

Tbh, your 2015 crop just sound like a lot of people's experience of shit OLD! But you need some TLC on you before you have a rhino hind to deal with it.

This Sam is a shit, particularly. But here's a tip: never ever ever give the time of day (sex or relationship wise) to a man who claims to have a problem with commitment. Just don't.

You can have a great 2016 - if you put you at the centre of it, not a man, or finding a man.

And keep posting here for the strength to tell Sam to fuck off! He's a common enough type, it's not your fault.

Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 12:06:15

Thank you very much to all the people who read that long message. Typing it out is the only time I have been honest with anyone. I can't tell friends or even my counselor that he is dirty txting me and I am responding. I mean, I hate myself.

I never had this before was xDP did. Before that if someone treated me badly I immditely stopped liking them and told them to fuck off. It's diferrent now. Like when they treat me badly I want them to stop and be nice again, to like me again.

I agree online dating is probably bad for me and long before I made this post I deleted all my profiles and decided not to do it anymore. I've just been amazed at what liars and wankers are on it.

I think the thing with Sam is that I thought he was so lovely and liked me so much. So just like DP all over again

thelaundryfairy Tue 29-Dec-15 12:11:29

To be fair, from what I´ve heard from close friends who use Tinder a lot, there are many people (men and women) on Tinder looking for "friends with benefits", partners they can have sex with regularly but without commitment and with both parties knowing that they´re not the only one. So if this works for you, embrace it.

If you are looking for the one, however, perhaps Tinder is not the place for you.

Based on what you´ve written on this thread, you seem a bit lonely so perhaps 2016 is the year to spend more time with friends, on hobbies, etc.

Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 12:15:56

To be fair, from what I´ve heard from close friends who use Tinder a lot, there are many people (men and women) on Tinder looking for "friends with benefits", partners they can have sex with regularly but without commitment and with both parties knowing that they´re not the only one. So if this works for you, embrace it.

I do know that. but spending time with me from january to July, you know, how sad can some people be to get their leg over

I just don't get it

I do know when someone says they have commitment problems to run for the hills. But, you know I have bloody commitment problems. I've been through hell. Doesn't mea I lie, cheat, hurt.

What is wrong with these people.

thelaundryfairy Tue 29-Dec-15 12:29:10

I know, Merrihow, it confuses me too (I´ve had some friends in a similar situation to you). It seems that this man does like you, but doesn´t want to settle down. I guess by dating two women at the same time he feels less committed. It doesn´t mean you should put up with that if you don´t like it, though.

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Dec-15 12:36:56

It sounds like your ex put through you absolute hell OP, I'm so sorry. You mentioned your counsellor - are you exploring issues mainly relating to that break up? Why do you feel you can't share with him/her what's been going on recently?

What you mentioned about over-sleeping, not showering or taking care of your home sounds like classic depression to me. Can you make an appointment to see your GP this week?

Sum314 Tue 29-Dec-15 12:37:56

It's so dishonest of men who present themselves as a long-term bet. ie, they're maybe not the funniest, best-looking, fittest man you've seen along the way but they make it seem like you should give them your time on the basis that they're a good long term consideration. If you'd wanted just sex, you could have said ok to the 26 year old semi pro cycler. I'm joking here. But it is very disingenuous of men to mislead women in to thinking they're offering a relationship with a decent man when they're really looking for you to allow them to use you.

The only thing is that it does get easier to spot these guys quicker. I was single for a long time. I still am, but I'm dating nwo. NOthing really bad has happened to me. I don't mean to rub that in, but it's just that you can improve your radar when you trust your instinct and walk quickly away from anything that smells like bullshit or entiltement or misogyny.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 29-Dec-15 13:36:42

It's not tinder to blame for this situation, it's a selfish manipulative man and a vulnerable woman. The way they met is irrelevant.

Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 14:26:50

Thanks everyone I am reading.

He did tell me he wasn't up for a serious relationship from way before I even started seeing him, so not sure why I thought it would be a good idea. probably because i didn't like him very much at the time and he was giving me attention. I didn't think the tables would turn. Duh.

I also didn't know "not a serious relationship" meant lying and all the other stuff. Naive probably.

One thing I want to ask about, not on the topic but running around my head is that XDP is asking me for money. He had credit cards in his name when he left me, but debts we built together, and I have been sending him money in the past for that. Everyone tells me I should tell him to fuck off, but haven't. I told myself I was "doing the right thing", but really what i am doing is trying to make him like me again. Not because I want him back but because he just treated me like I was worthless when he once adored me and I felt confused. I feel like if maybe I can finally get angry at him and tell him to fuck off that I will find my own value again and stop seeing myself as nothing because he treated me that way.

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Dec-15 14:31:09

Tell your ex from me, he can get to fuck. Cheeky twat!

Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 14:33:26

So you think morally/ ethically I have no responsibility for ebts we created together if they are in his name?

I can't stress enough that he left me literally without a pot to piss in. He'd got me to quit my job to move in with him and be a Mum to his kids and all that and he just fucked off and left me with absolutely nothing. Me and DS were on people's sofas for months sad

At the same time I did participate in building debts with him, and my half would be £7000.

thelaundryfairy Tue 29-Dec-15 14:35:31

There is no reason to be giving your ex-partner money unless you owe him a specific debt (it sounds like you have paid these off now). You know yourself that you cannot pay him to like you or to give you attention and that if you give him money you are letting him use you which overall makes you feel worse about yourself.

You are in a vulnerable situation at the moment and, as other posters have said, talking to your counsellor or therapist can help, as can your G.P. if you have symptoms of depression. If you have friends you can spend time with, good, strong friends who will boost your self-confidence and make you laugh and feel relaxed in their company, see them (you don´t necessarily have to tell them all of your problems). You will get stronger and be able to interact more confidently with men. Keep going and remind yourself of everything positive you have going for you.

Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 14:39:34

i just want to feel like I should, which is "you're not worth my time". Which I know is what I should feel.

My counsellor is back where xDP used to live so we talk on Skype. Sounds silly, but I sort of don't want to disappoint her by telling her I am back down again.

I do need to go and have more fun. I've curled up in a ball for weeks.

Cabrinha Tue 29-Dec-15 14:52:55

I'm not sure she's the right counsellor for you, if you can't open up fully. And Skype is not as good as in person, and who needs the tie to your old location?!
New year, new counsellor.

With regards to the money / debt. He can FUCK OFF. And I say that as someone who is obsessive about financial fairness, even through a divorce that was his fault (cheating arsehole).

I think you need to do some maths - literally do it on paper. Offset the £7K against the earnings you gave up, for example. I expect that if you took the emotion out of it, he actually owes YOU.

1. See your GP - you may be depressed
2. Get a new counsellor
3. Be honest with current one whilst you're looking for new one
4. Stop sending fuckface money
5. Stay away from dating this year
6. Plan some new fun stuff for you

On the money you were sending to ArseholeChops, can you afford to allocate that to something you do with your son? Or his savings? It may help if by giving it to Wanker you start to feel you're directly taking it from your son.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Dec-15 14:59:50

what cabrinha said

she has outlined a plan for 2016 for you

Merrihow Tue 29-Dec-15 15:01:17

I lost £180000 in earning over four years, but he did support me financially (and DS).

I also have paid around £5000 in counselling, £3000 in removals, £5000 in temporary accommodation and fucking around because of what he did.

It fucked my life up totally. All financial security gone for me and DS future. For now anyway

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