Exh and I separated in 2013 after 23 years together. He couldn't adapt to family life and we grew further and further apart. Dcs were 11 and 6 when we split. Exh had been emotionally abusive to me for years, and been in contact with several ow that I knew of.
I wanted us to try for the dcs sakes but in the end he said he wanted a divorce so we did. Despite feeling enormously guilty over how it would affect the dcs it was actually a huge relief in the end.
Fast forward 2 and a half yrs, dcs are settled and split their time between our houses. I've met a new partner who is lovely, we live separately but meet up at weekends, dcs like him.
Exh still seems to be miserable and tells me miserable stories about himself all the time. He has numerous ailments, he's negative about pretty much everything, he seems to feel very sorry for himself and is always seeking sympathy for something.
I find him so draining, and it's only now he's been away for so long that I can what an awful affect he had on me. I feel so much more happy and carefree now he's not here.
He had a habit of texting me long rambling texts that make no sense, about how I'm upsetting the children by meeting someone new. I've spoken to the dcs and they understand, and I try very hard to reassure them that nothing major will change to their lives any time soon, we have no plans to live together while the dcs are at home.
Exh however doesn't appear to like the fact that I've met someone else, and that I'm moving on with my life. His latest text today said that he was struggling to 'look at me' for reasons that I wouldn't understand. He wanted to let me know in case I wondered why he couldn't look me in the eye. WTF?? I had noticed this and just assumed it was him being awkward but why he needs to actually point it out I don't know.
I've recently started counselling and it's only just hit me that he was actually abusive and controlling when we were together. It's taken this long and for a third party to spell it out. It's difficult to take in and I feel so weak, to think that this was going on and I didn't realise.
And it's still going on. He is using the children to get at me because he knows I feel guilt at how it's affected them. He's trying to turn it round and make me feel that I'm the one causing problems. And now he can't even look at me, such is his contempt. And like a fool I text back and try to be nice to make him like me again, like I always did. The truth is I'm scared of upsetting him, he always seem so threatening and I worry that he could easily turn the dcs against me just by his words.
All this is why I started counselling and I know I have a lot of work to do on my confidence and how to deal with him.
Does anyone recognise this and have any advice? I've tried to go nc apart from children-related stuff but he continues to send these long texts, presumably when he's got something on his mind.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Exh can't look at me
Buster08 · 28/12/2015 15:03
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