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How did I get to this?

(10 Posts)
sad82 Mon 28-Dec-15 10:45:39

I'm here under a different name but here goes!

I have been with dp for 9 years now. We have known each other our whole lives but didn't really become friends until we where in out late teens. At the time I was with my ex and was pretty messed up with drink ect. My ex was my first ever boyfriend and we where together for 5 years he was very impulsive and also abusive not that I knew it at the time. We had a child together and it was then that I realised things where bad mainly because I sobered up. Anyway I left him for good when our dc was 2. Dp was there for me when I left and we ended up together he was good with dc and was the polar opposite of my ex. He doesn't drink and prefers a quiet life.

I was his first ever partner (age 25) and a few alarm bells rang early on but I kind of ignored them. Like being really clingy and pressuring me for sex saying if I cared I would do it. Like I said my ex was abusive and used that against me and as I had only ever been with one person before so wasn't ready to do it again this probably wasn't helped by the fact he had only learnt about sex through porn so had a really odd view on how women act.

Anyway to cut things short we have had two more children together. Life should be happy and everyone seems happy but me. Don't get me wrong life is good alot of the time but there are things that make me I can't think of any other word than sad. He still seems to think I should want sex all the time and talks about it constantly. Honestly I am sick of it I couldn't give a toss if I never did it again. If I'm not in the mood one night it's the end of the world and obviously somethings wrong. Not the fact he's asked me if I want to 50 times that day. He seems to think I should be constantly in the mood. For example I'd just come back from seeing a very close family member in hospital who was really ill. I was obviously upset he asked how they where then said "while we have the house to ourselves do you fancy...?" He honestly couldn't see how this was inconsiderate.

He also doesn't help much round the house and I know I'm just sounding like a moany old woman but I don't want to spend my life going to work and cleaning. I know it's just a stupid little thing but it drives me mad. There are other stupid things that get to me like being made to feel bad for going out on my own (on the rare occasion I get to).

So before I go on forever this is just a stupid rant and I know that's the life I've chosen. I can't leave as I don't want to ruin everyone's lives they are all so happy and maybe it's just me who has the problem. I would also have to give up my job as there is no way it would cover childcare especially as I work nights.

Wombat87 Mon 28-Dec-15 14:02:30

I can't help with the relationship stuff. But you aren't the only one who has one who doesn't help around the house. I've practically been a skivvy the last few months.

Doesn't pick up after himself. Doesn't put things in the dishwasher. Rubbish left lying around. All I do is nag. He was in the shower today, I put the bedsheets outside the bathroom door for them to be put in the wash bin. The only reason theY would be out there is to be put in there. Did he put them in? Did he fuck. stepped right over them. Plate in the dishwasher? Nah why do that when Wombat can do it. I'll leave it in the living room till she's sick of looking at it.

He's ill at the moment so I'm cutting some slack. But in the new year he will be getting spoken too as I'm sick of it. Our relationship is otherwise a happy one, so in no way am i in your position. I just didn't want you to feel you're the only one on the house help front.

You can't stay somewhere you aren't happy. You'll only make it worse for yourself if you do. Could you not try and find a day to yourself to relax? Have someone mind the DC's?

TokenGinger Mon 28-Dec-15 14:12:22

You won't be ruining everybody's happy lives. Your children will sense you're unhappy. They'd be happier with two separate parents than living with an unhappy mummy.

However, if everything else is good and it's mainly the sex, suggest counselling to him as a couple. It must be really wearing. If you could deal with that one problem, you might be happier?

LineyReborn Mon 28-Dec-15 14:18:19

It sounds awful. A lazy, clingy, sex pest is not a good role model for your children, and this is not a happy relationship at all.

Give yourself permission to start to plan to leave. Work on it in stages: financial planning; practical planning; emotional planning. Lots of advice on here. flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 28-Dec-15 14:21:57

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you.

It seems that you simply went from one previously abusive relationship into another relationship that is also abusive in a different ways.

There were alarm bells about this man you ignored also in the early days; why did you ignore those. Was it really because you thought and still think you deserve no better?. Your self esteem was through the floor when you met this second individual and he has also used you for his own ends. What you write is in no way a mutually beneficial and loving relationship.

This man you write of sounds absolutely awful as well as a being a sex pest to you. He sees you as an object to be used. Its no wonder you do not want sex at all with him given his overall treatment of you; it is abusive and I am wondering also if he is controlling you as well when you write that you are made to feel bad for going out on your own.

Controlling behaviour like that is abusive behaviour and smacks of power and control. Reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft may also help you.

I also think a chat with Womens Aid would help you no end actually and enable you to put your thoughts further in order. You are wrong in that you state you cannot leave because of supposedly ruining everyone else's lives. He is ruining your life and you sound like a skivvy. You are showing your children that currently at least this is acceptable to you, is this what you want to teach them about relationships?.

wafflerinchief Mon 28-Dec-15 14:22:20

that seems excessive to me - the sex thing would make me never want sex again if i was being hassled on a daily basis and with no sensitivity at all. Also, the cleaning up thing would drive me crazy - you're working, there's no question of it being acceptable for him to do nothing. You might want to see if you can get counselling, I don't think he's being reasonable, and you should stand up for yourself. I wouldn't suggest marriage counselling before you've got your self esteem a bit better because he is being unreasonable and ought to be doing compromising, not you.

sad82 Mon 28-Dec-15 14:26:23

I've talked to him about it and he says he will stop asking/expecting it but it's been the same for years. That is a major part of the problem but not all of it. It's also the fact he thinks I know exactly what I'm thinking about everything when he doesn't. He also would never go to counselling.

We get on well when we are doing things that aren't day to day and he isn't horrible. I feel really horrible but feel like I am with him to keep him happy. I gave tried to end it before but always end up feeling awful plus he never takes me seriously and just thinks I have pmt or something. The problem I have is things aren't awful you know day to day I just get on with things but there is this underlying unhappiness. I get time to myself when the children are at school and I enjoy that on the days I'm not sleeping. I don't really know what else to say just need to let it out I suppose since everyone thinks I'm so happy and have such a great life.

sad82 Mon 28-Dec-15 14:34:36

The sex thing does drive me mad. I've never been particularly bothered by sex at all so this is just plain an anoying and I give in sometimes just to shut him up which I know is wrong. By not being bothered I mean I don't feel attraction to anyone if that makes any sense. I feel I just went on to be with him because he seemed safe if that makes sense. He's good with the kids.

As for the cleaning he just gives me the whole "I'll do it later/I work hard" thing.

My parents where happy there was a massive age gap with them so they classed on some things. My mum worked alot and my dad worked half days so did most of the housework and childcare.

LineyReborn Mon 28-Dec-15 14:41:23

He's not listening to you.

wafflerinchief Mon 28-Dec-15 15:16:01

It's a good enough reason to end it, if you're fundamentally not happy - but it seems as though you need counselling for yourself to accept that? He can be a good dad when you're separated - no, parents that have split up isn't ideal for the DC but having a mum who's always off in some way because she's not happy with her life isn't a great role model for them either. You have to accept that your happiness matters, and that while the DC may be temporarily less happy, you can't live your whole life for other people's happiness - at least most of us can't. Think about how you'll feel when you're 60 if you're still with him then.

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