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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

FIL kicked my DS (2) - advice please

157 replies

ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 10:37

Hi

This is my first time posting but I would really appreciate some perspective please.

On Christmas Eve my FIL kicked my DS (age 2) and my DH and I are really struggling to come to terms with it.

I was not there but my DS had kicked my FIL. My DH had told him not to kick and he ran off, then headed back to do the same again. My DH stepped between DS and FIL to prevent it happening again. FIL said no it's ok I've got this- he let my DS kick him and then FIL kicked him on the shin. It was hard enough that he cried hard and the bruise is still there.

I went round and told my FIL that it was not acceptable but he was angry with me for going round rather than sorry for what he had done.

We have not seen them since. Any discussions on the phone have basically indicated that they think we are over reacting.

Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

Report

Fairylea · 28/12/2015 10:38

Fil would not be seeing my children again if that were me.

afreshstartplease · 28/12/2015 10:39

Should have kicked him back harder where it hurts

What an arse

I would not want a person like this in my dcs life

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 28/12/2015 10:39

I would stop with the phone discussions and just get on with your life. He sounds like a total prick.

Snozberry · 28/12/2015 10:40

He'd be out of my life without a secon thought. What does the rest of DHs family think?

Gliblet · 28/12/2015 10:41

Do they spend a lot of time with you/DS? I certainly wouldn't trust him around DS after that little display and I'd make that very clear. It's absolutely not acceptable to treat a 2yo like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2015 10:42

Do not visit these people ever again. Violence towards anyone let alone a child is not at all acceptable and should never be tolerated. Such a man like FIL is a bully and has not surprisingly refused to take any responsibility for his own actions but has instead blamed you.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 28/12/2015 10:43

Id be livid!! He should apologise. What excuse of a man does this?
Stop contact for now and see what a bit of breathing space does.

ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 10:46

Thank you so much for your replies.

My DS does not spend much time with FIL, maybe maximum of 1 hour per fortnight with normally my DH or me there.

The rest of DH's family back FIL because he has a 'lot on his plate'.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2015 10:49

"The rest of DH's family back FIL because he has a 'lot on his plate"

Some excuse that is. They therefore enable his bad behaviour to continue and so they should be ignored too.

ouryve · 28/12/2015 10:51

Do not allow him anywhere near your children again.

What triggered your 2yo lashing out at him, in the first place?

ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 10:52

He said that he did apologise sallyhasleftthebuilding but neither my DH or DD(13) heard him. He was so angry with me going round and called me a bully. He was not remorseful at all and this is probably what I'm struggling with most.

We have decided that breathing space is what we need but I can't get it out of my mind. I feel so sorry for my DH as it's his family.

OP posts:

katienana · 28/12/2015 10:53

He would never get near my child again. You are not overreacting at all. He deliberately hurt a BABY. a 2 year old doesn't hurt deliberately as an adult your files knew what he was doing.

calzone · 28/12/2015 10:53

From a different perspective, if your fil is old school, all he was doing was showing your ds that kicking hurts.

My mum bit me when I bit her as a child. I never bit her again.

I think he had good intentions but took it too far.

((Puts on hard hat))

Snozberry · 28/12/2015 10:53

No normal person reacts to having a lot on their plate by being violent to a toddler. The fact he isn't at all remorseful shows he has no idea what is and isn't acceptable and I'd worry what else he might do. It doesn't sound like you'll miss much by cutting him off.

aprilanne · 28/12/2015 10:54

i agree that is not on .but in fil days that was how they disiplined children they bit you bit them back kind of thing i would just tell them that is certainly not acceptable nowadays and dont leave your son with him .

ChristmasAdvice · 28/12/2015 10:55

That is my instinct ouryve.

I wasn't there so did not see the trigger, I'll ask my DH when he gets in.

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 28/12/2015 10:55

calzone, interesting. I didn't think of that.

FATEdestiny · 28/12/2015 10:57

Does your husband get on with his dad? Are they close?

How about the rest if his family? Is he close to them!

IguanaTail · 28/12/2015 10:58

Of course he was thinking he would show the 2 year old that kicking hurts. But that doesn't make it ok.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/12/2015 10:58

I agree with calzone.

I can imagine my Granny having done that to a toddler who was repeatedly kicking her in the shins.

Toddlers be crazy and all that, but deliberately targeting someone for repeated kicking is very bad behaviour on the kid's part.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 28/12/2015 10:58

This sounds like the old 'a clip round the ear never did me any harm' brigade. I could quite well imagine my FIL doing the same had we not made our views on physical punishment very clear in advance (ie we won't be smacking our DC so would press charges against anyone who did ) so you have my utter sympathy. Aside from reacting as you have done I'm not sure how we'd go forward with this - he needs to know the severity of his actions not to mention show some bloody remorse! I wouldn't necessarily cut all contact, but would cool it for a while and make it clear his actions have damaged the relationship & you need to see a change before you can't trust him with DS etc - I know my FIL (& mil ) would be mortified if I did this and would do anything to see their grandchildren.

Snozberry · 28/12/2015 10:59

He kicked him hard enough to leave a bruise, and doesn't feel at all bad about it. Surely even parents who are happy to discipline with a slapped wrist would feel remorse if they went too far and left a mark?

notarehearsal · 28/12/2015 10:59

I was brought up being given the belt for serious wrong doings. Yes, that's how it was done in those days. However, I know, beyond doubt that this form of disciplining is completely and utterly wrong and cruel. If my dc or indeed my two year old Grandson kicked me I'd be telling him No but God not for a second would I think of kicking him back.
Revolting behaviour for an adult

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2015 11:00

He doesn't get to see DS any more. No discussion.

calzone · 28/12/2015 11:00

Iguana, I didn't say it was ok but if this was the first incident of an otherwise loving grandfather, I would let it go.

Flip

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