saddest xmas ever

[needtothinkclearly]

just trying to put it all in perspective, need advice please.

DS is 47 who lives in cyprus.
DD2 is 49 who lives in uk.
DD1 is 53 who lives in Australia

DD2 has endured mental health issues for decades.
Frequently imagining "slights" against her, resulting in her instantly going NC with family sometimes for 2/3/4/ years then coming back as though nothing happened.
Serious depression, threats of suicide, I spent decades walking on egg shells around her, afraid to send her back into her dark mental health.

DD2 hadn't spoken to DD1 for over 14 years, saying she hated her, even ranting at me that if I spoke to DD1, she would never speak to me again.

The same as for DS, she has refused to speak to him for at least 6 years .

Then, out of the blue, DD2 contacted DD1, saying "she was sorry" and it's all okay again, she has re written the past.

DD2 still refuses to acknowledge DS or myself, yet even sent Christmas presents to DD1.( but has never once asked even if I am alive or dead)

There were no arguments which resulted in DD2 cutting contact with me 5 years ago, in fact we had been together the previous day and everything was lovely.

Last night I didn't sleep, feeling so alone, 3 DC, yet we have not spent a Christmas as a complete family for over 20 years, and doubt if we ever will again.

It seems that one by one DD2 goes NC with each sibling, after that it becomes "my turn", leaving me distressed/sad/confused and heartbroken.

Just feel so numb this morning.

[timelytess]

Start planning now for a happy Christmas of your own next year.

[Themodernuriahheep]

So sorry for your pain.

But can't you Skype the non UK members and see them? And be in touch? Your dd2 , it sounds, is never going to be truly well and may always manipulate, but if the other two are with you in love and spirit, a threefold chord cannot be broken.

To be honest, at their ages most families aren't having joint Christmases anyway. And if they do they are often tense, see all over MN. But the important thing is to find the ways of strengthening the relationships with your DS and dad who live in lovely warm places yo visit, isn't it?

[Themodernuriahheep]

Dd, not dad!

[MatildaTheCat]

Wow, that is very sad indeed.

May I ask why DD2 holds so much power over all of you? There are three family members who do not have my issues and, I guess get along? So she is in a minority yet still decides who can and cannot be happy.

Her problems sound huge and I'm sure you have all done your best for her over and over. I would also guess that it isn't entirely a coincidence that her siblings live so far away. Sad though it is I would suggest that you focus on your good relationships and work on being a happy family within those relationships. I doubt whether your dd2 will ever change. Your dd1 must decide for herself how much of herself she gives bearing in mind how things are likely to pan out.

Can you arrange a visit to one of your other DC and work on enjoying the things that can be good rather than focusing on what cannot be? I do wish you a better new year.

[needtothinkclearly]

thank you for the rapid replies!

We, DD1 and DS and I often Skype/email/phone, and there is no conflict between us.

( I like that "threefold cord" sounds about right!)

It's just that the one DD who lives not only in the same country as myself but the same part of the country, refuses to acknowledge my existence!

I have sent birthday/Christmas cards, rang/emailed/text DD2 over the last 5 years, none of which were acknowledged, which is so sad.
I accept that this is a pattern of behaviour for her, she is totally unaware of the pain her actions leave in her wake.

In fact last night, it crossed my mind that even if DD2 did make contact with me ( I doubt it) I would shiver at the thought, never being able to trust her again.

In fact, I am almost at the point after decades of the emotional roller coaster of confusion/sadness and pain to actually decide to put her away in a small compartment in the back of my mind, and dare I say it, pretend she doesn't exist, though I love her so much even after all this.

[needtothinkclearly]

matildathecat, you know this has often crossed my mind, how did/does DD2 have so much power, that despite DD1/DS and myself happy enough together, that DD2 still manages to "control" our emotions.

DS has been on the end of DD2's emotional abuse, so he is aware that any contact there could be in the future would only lead to upheaval yet again, so he is being very wary.

DD1, is treading carefully, having taken the brunt of DD1's emotional explosions in the past.

Yes, even though I have no blood family here, I am spending the next couple of days, focusing on my life, and importantly accepting that I can't change the past, but change the future.

I will always love DD2 dearly, but accept that she doesn't want me in her life.

[Twinklestein]

I know other families whose children are in far flung places in the world, and it's hard.

I would organise your own Christmas with friends. And if you can afford it, potentially go to see your children in Cyprus or Australia every other year.

I would write off DD2 for the moment.

[Finola1step]

Pp What a dreadful time

What shouts loud and clear from your posts is the power your DD holds over the family. All because you walk on eggshells due to not wanting to worsen her mental health.

But what about your mental health and wellbeing? When does that become the priority?

[Themodernuriahheep]

If you can prepare for future Christmases, with friends or volunteering, that might help.

Compartmentalise Dd as you suggest. Remember the good bits, remember that what happens now does not invalidate them, and that because the current situation is difficult does not mean that it will be like that for ever. But don't rely on it changing.

[needtothinkclearly]

yes, it's like the penny dropped last night, that I will never hear her voice or see her again (her choice)

as a pensioner, it's a hard pill to swallow.

DD1 says DD2 is "happy" haha, I'm definitely not, but hey, who knows what's around the corner for me.

And, no, I won't hope that it will ever change, it would be traumatic to see DD2 anyway, knowing that I would repeat the experience yet again .

[TheoriginalLEM]

you say she has mental health issues? This can skew peoples perspective and behaviour. That isn't an excuse bit maybe will help you to understand and not be so hurt by her rejection. I think locking her away in a box is entirely sensible for your own mental and emotional wellbeing. You aren't rejecting her because you'll have the key to the box locked away too if ever she really needs you. But no one would think less of you for saying enough now.

i suffer from mental health issues and it does affect my relationships but it doesn't give me the right to hurt those who care gor me.

[Themodernuriahheep]

Don't hope, but don't say never. Difficult to get the balance right.

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with LEM. I don't think you should feel hurt by your DD2's rejection. She needs someone to reject - you are her mother and despite everything she knows you will always be there for her. She can afford to treat you badly.

She is incredibly manipulative, isn't she? Was she ever diagnosed with a specific MH problem? How does she support herself?

Is there any way you could save up and go to one of your other children for Christmas next year? Of course it would have to be kept from your DD2, but given she doesn't see any of you all that shouldn't be too hard. Can she see what people are up to via Facebook?