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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

DP just punched me - what should i do?

305 replies

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:35

DP has a drink problem, although he won't admit it. He drinks every day, probably about 10 units. If I can get him to stop drinking it is only for a matter of a few days then he starts again.

Every so often, he gets really unpleasant and sometimes violent. He is probably violent about 2 or 3 times a year although the worst it has ever been before now is that he has slapped me once and pushed me once when I was pregnant hard enough to floor me.

I am not pregnant any more (I had the baby, was fine after he pushed me) and today he was moody again. We had a bit of an argument about what to watch on tv - a stupid argument that wasn't about anything serious and shouldn't make someone angry enough to get violent. Anyway, it started with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me out the way. I pushed back and then after he hit me with open hand I hit him back - I don't want to be some meek battered wife who lets her arsehole partner hit her and plays victim. So then he said 'go on then, hit me again', a couple of times, quite aggressively. So I punched him. And he punched me back, hard. I have a lump on the side of my face where he punched me and somehow, bleeding scratches on my hand. He has no marks on him (I guess I didn't hit him as hard as he hit me).

He claims he never hit me apart from the punch after I hit him unprovoked. This is absolutely not true - I have never hit him, ever, without being hit first. The worst I have ever done is push him away when he has been looming over me, shouting in my face. He says he doesn't feel safe around me and that I am not safe to look after our children (i am a sahm). I am aware he is gaslighting me.

I know this makes him sound awful. It doesn't happen often and we have 3 small children. Our relationship is generally good and I would say that apart from these episodes he is respectful of me. I think the violence is probably connected to the alcohol but he won't stop drinking. Please help - I don't know what to do. If this were happening to someone else I would say definitely ltb but it is not someone else... In the past have made our relationship continuing dependent on him cutting back on the alcohol but it never lasts long...

I need your advice - my children are young and it's a big deal to end things... it all looks very dysfunctional written down though.

OP posts:

Report

gamerchick · 28/12/2015 00:38

you ring the police and have him removed from the house for the night so you can think.

There is no other option.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:40

That's because it is, it's a really bad situation. Your children are growing up in this environment. You need to take action. Does anyone in RL know about thi? How recent is the last incident?

mayBaker · 28/12/2015 00:40

It IS dysfunctional. Please leave. That's absolutely not ok no matter how it may seem subjectively.

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:41

Thanks, Gamerchick. That seems so dramatic though. I asked him to leave and he refused. Just before he started gaslighting. He has gone to bed and I am sitting up in tears. I feel like if I call the police there is no way back. And all the neighbours will be looking out their windows. I feel trapped.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 00:41

This relationship is toxic

You need to end it for the sake of your kids

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:41

Sorry, I see the title says it just happened. Call the police. Please do this now. You don't have to think beyond that but you do need to get yourself and DCs safe.

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:42

The children have been in bed every time it has happened. The eldest says daddy is grumpy and mean but we can usually talk her round - he is just not very patient but I know he is a kind man and he loves his children.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:43

The police won't screech in with sirens and blue lights, the neighbours will barely notice. It is a route of no return, but the alternative is that you keep brushing this under the carpet.

coffeeisnectar · 28/12/2015 00:44

Call the police before he kills you. He's an alcoholic and a violent one at that.

Get him arrested, get a residential order, a restraining order and keep yourself and your dc safe.

This is an awful relationship and every time he hits you and you remain it says to him that it's ok.

I'm jot being over dramatic either. Hundreds of women are killed every year by their partners. Don't be a statistic.

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:44

I don't think I can call the police... I know I should, I just can't. I feel like it will make things worse.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 28/12/2015 00:44

No what is dramatic is that you have an injury your children will see on you tomorrow. Do not normalise this crap.

The other option is to surrender your kids to social services and then your bloke can carry on drinking and you can live together in glorious harmony with you getting bashed about and lashing out whenever he's had a beer or 10.

Phone the police and they will take him from his bed and hold him for tonight and tomorrow you will do a statement and make sure hes out for good.

You lose the right to put up with crap when you have kids.. eventually you will damage them by staying.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:44

He hits you when he has been drinking. More than once. Including when you were pregnant. That is not acceptable.

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:45

It is absolutely true that I am saying it is ok - the violence gets worse every time

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 28/12/2015 00:45

He is not a kind man. He's a violent alcoholic.

MaisieDotes · 28/12/2015 00:46

OP please do as gamer suggests.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:47

It won't make things worse. They can make bail conditions that he has to keep away. For some alcoholics something like this is the wake up call they need. It can't get worse than living in fear of being punched and having to explain injuries to your DCs. Please call the police. Don't think about it, just call.

zogzag · 28/12/2015 00:47

I need to do something, I have been sending the wrong message and it is important to me that this does not continue. I grew up with my mum's husband beating me up while my mum turned a blind eye and I was adamant I would never put up with it again. More fool me.

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 28/12/2015 00:47

It will not make it worse. It will end it. His bail conditions will keep him away and if he breaks them he will be locked up.

Don't feel sorry for him. He chooses to drink. He chooses to hit you.

You are choosing to stay. Why?

Life can be so much better.

littlemermaid80 · 28/12/2015 00:47

He has assaulted you and has done previously.
Call the police and have him removed from the house. Don't let him weasel his way out of it with words. He chose this, not you.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 28/12/2015 00:48

Don't be your mum, zogzag. Don't let it go on any longer.

ColdTeaAgain · 28/12/2015 00:49

So are you just going to wait and see how bad he knocks you about next time then?

Sorry to sound harsh OP but put yourself and your DC first please

If he is kind then why does one of your Dcs call him mean, that makes no sense at all does it?

coffeeisnectar · 28/12/2015 00:49

Imagine he hits you so bad you end up in hospital. What about your dc? Who will care for them? Him?

Please call the police.

gamerchick · 28/12/2015 00:50

yes itll be a shitstorm for a short time and yes you'll wring yourself out while the 'easy' option taunts you.

YOU don't have the right, you have children and it doesn't matter if they're in bed or not, they will see the injurys on you.. they will see your nerves when he drinks and eventually they will be teenagers who saw more than they should have.

Pick up the phone and have him removed from the house.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2015 00:51

Op, if you don't bring this to an end very soon it will sooner or later get taken out of your hands

Believe me on this

Children living in a house where there is violence are damaged by it. You minimise it by saying they don't see it but they do

Is your violent relationship of more worth to you than the emotional safety of your children ? One day you will have to answer that question. Best you answer it now while you still have some control over the outcome

RiverTamFan · 28/12/2015 00:52

Call the police. Also call Women's Aid. "Nothing will change if you change nothing", is used as an inspirational phrase simply because it is true.

He is an alcoholic with no intention of changing the drinking.
He is manipulating you.
This keeps happening.
Your children already have an awareness something is happening.

This will all continue and worsen if you do nothing. Do something and do it now.

Flip

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