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Email from ex

(16 Posts)
EggnogOgg Sun 27-Dec-15 20:36:23

Background: (obviously brief! I could say a lot more, but here are the essentials) Ex and I split up when DS was 3 months, he's now 7. I left, due to DA. He pays CSA (and resents it hugely), but hasn't seen DS for years. He has never turned up to family court to discuss contact. I only have an email address for him, and he only sends emails if I've sent an update first. He sends a birthday card (often late), but never presents. I've tried to promote contact with DS's paternal family, but struggled to engage them, too, except ex's mother, but even she hasn't seen him for years.

On Christmas day, he sent this: "A happy Christmas to [DS].

Due to a number of a family tragedies this year I am not celebrating Christmas nor is my what remains of my family.

No gifts no cards have been sent to anyone.

Please do not respond to this email and keep your thoughts to yourself"

I did a quick google, and it appears ex sadly lost his father in February. Ex also has an older DS in his mid-late teens, very much alive.

This email has ruminated in my mind since Christmas day, I'm not sure why. Partly, I feel DS deserves better- I've had losses much closer to Christmas in previous years, but as a parent, I carry on a degree of normality for DS. I could never cancel Christmas! I just don't have that option, even when my world has fallen apart, or I've been ill. I'm feeling angry. I'm also feeling belittled by the whole tone, especially the last sentence. Am I being unfair on him? Is this a normal email to send to the RP of your child? Is this normal?

gamerchick Sun 27-Dec-15 20:38:17

It's a pity party, just ignore and delete.

IMurderedStampyLongnose Sun 27-Dec-15 20:41:27

He's a shit the rest of the year,no surprise that he is being a shit now at Christmas.He is just helpfully got an excuse of being bereaved this year.Ignore and think nothing more of it.It is his loss that he has no relationship with your DS.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 27-Dec-15 20:43:27

He's using his bereavement to justify being a prick and a terrible 'father'. Ignore him.

SexNamesRFab Sun 27-Dec-15 20:45:24

What a twat. Pour yourself a wine and congratulate yourself for getting away and saving your child from a miserable life spent with this egotistical asshole. And stop sending him updates, he doesn't deserve them.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 27-Dec-15 20:50:16

I agree stop sending him emails and updates and stop trying to engage his family. He sounds like a total shit

EggnogOgg Sun 27-Dec-15 20:51:26

Thank you. I really needed to hear this!

Tonight, DS has bawled about why he doesn't see his dad, and it breaks my heart. I've just posted in Lone Parents for advice on that, too!

All I've said about why we moved out from his dad is that his dad wasn't very kind to me, and that's always been fine, but tonight he asked 'like what? What did he do?' I fobbed him off, but don't know where to go from here! I don't want to bad mouth his dad.

GreenRug Sun 27-Dec-15 20:54:11

What a dick. I don't care how many family tragedies he's had he should still be interested to know how his ds is (at the very least). Gamerchick is right, he's throwing a little pity party for himself.

EggnogOgg Sun 27-Dec-15 20:56:50

What annoying, too, is that DS is part of that family! So the vagueness annoys me. I feel I should be able to say to DS which members of his paternal family have died.

And the 'what remains of my family'- he has two healthy kids.

Thank you for helping me validate what I feel about this! I haven't had anyone to talk to in RL.

starry0ne Sun 27-Dec-15 20:59:41

I agree with other posters.. He is a complete waste of space..He has been so far and using the death of a parent to justify his behaviour is shameful...

I agree stop sending updates.. If you have been doing this for 7 years..It will be clear to your Ds if he needs to know when older you did everything you could..I have a DS (8) with no contact from his Dad since 3..I tell him we focus on the people who want to be in our lives...You set yourself up to be hurt each email...

lavenderhoney Mon 28-Dec-15 08:15:32

I think you do need to tell your ds something because there's a massive difference between bad mouthing someone and telling the truth in an age approriate way.

If you perpetuate the myth his df is a great guy and there is a fluffy reason why you left, it won't make sense to him- my DC have witnessed their df being incredibly rude to me ( and them) on many occasions, and can see why I didn't stick around. ( there are more reasons)

Why do you send updates? If it's to talk about your ds then why don't you and your ds keep a scrapbook or diary together you can look back on as he grows up? He can share it with his DC if he ever has any.

And you can tell your ds what you like regarding his extended family on his dad's side but if none of them bother with him or you, and it doesn't sound like they do, then concentrate on the friends and family you do have.

Creampastry Mon 28-Dec-15 09:01:06

Why do you enable his behaviour? Just go no contact and respond accordingly if he asks about ds.

EggnogOgg Mon 28-Dec-15 10:02:13

I keep him updated because family court love that shit. We have family abroad, so a specific issue order now and then is needed for extended visits, and I prefer to keep CAFCASS/the judges sweet. Stopping indirect contact is not really an option if I want to keep my halo glowing in family court.

Also, some level of contact is important for DS, I feel, in terms of keeping the door open. It's why adoptive parents do letterbox.

I could do with some advice on how to tread the line between "dad is a great guy" which is a lie, although clearly he has some good features, or I wouldn't have had a baby with him. And "dad is a waste of space" which is also only true sometimes, and may lead to low self esteem in DS. I wish to avoid shame for him.

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 10:10:34

You can't polish a turd, even for your son's self esteem. I understand your situation re updates. I guess you keep them brief and neutral? I would just toen down the volume on Dad for your DS. Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is nothing.

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Dec-15 10:11:05

*turn down the volume

Berthatydfil Mon 28-Dec-15 10:21:20

I think you have to tell him an age appropriate version of the truth about your relationship and why you split up and what you have done to encourage/promote contact since.
Sugar coating it does your son no favours in the long run.

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