Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just sad

(50 Posts)
CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat Sat 26-Dec-15 23:40:41

Oh I dunno why I'm even typing. Lying in the dark in my childhood bed crying my eyes out. Came home to parents house where I'm staying over Christmas - had a few drinks but definitely not drunk. Walked in to mum and dad having a row. No change there.

Dad has been violently abusive since I can remember; and continues to be.

I accidentally dropped my handbag in the kitchen, didn't make a terrible lot of noise but it set the dog off barking. Dad rushes in. Grabs me. I tried to apologise. Shakes me. Mum has had to trail him off me. Yet again. And here I am. Miles away from my own home, crying in bed like a child.

I'm 25 years of age. Dad has form for this; about two months ago he punched me and made me sit on "the naughty step" (the stairs) and laughed at me and called me a 6 year old.

Only child. Only come to see my mum - she likes the break from him. But fuck me. I am gutted. Thought it'd change at 18. Then at 21. But here I am, at 25..terrified of my dad

Merry Christmas sad

ToddlerTantrums Sat 26-Dec-15 23:48:06

He will never change. Can you stop visiting and have your mum come to visit you?
Also - he has physically abused you, you are well within your rights to call the police although I understand this would be incredibly hard.
Is he the same with your mum?

BendydickCuminsnatch Sat 26-Dec-15 23:50:45

Oh my god, what the fuck!!! Get a flat with your mum and abandon him.

Obviously way easier to say than do but you poor things!! I'd never see him again.

notapizzaeater Sat 26-Dec-15 23:51:08

Have you ever stood up to him or is it too dangerous ? He's a big bully who will never change. Wtf making you sit on the naughty step ? I'd stay away,

LovelyFriend Sat 26-Dec-15 23:53:06

Very awful situation for you and your Mum. I imagine it's a cycle that is very hard to break. You don't have to put up with this. As hard as it would be, the police would be one way of breaking the cycle. You have every right and reason to press charges.

Pipestheghost Sat 26-Dec-15 23:53:52

Jesus Christ shock
Can you persuade your mum to leave him?

BendydickCuminsnatch Sat 26-Dec-15 23:55:23

Where do you live OP? Can't you and your mum pack up a bag of her stuff and go to your house? In the night or if he goes out?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley Sat 26-Dec-15 23:57:07

Seriously? shock He punched you two months ago and yet you are still there for Christmas?

In the morning you pack your stuff and you tell your father that your relationship with him is over for good and if he lays a hand on your again, ever, you will have him prosecuted.

Tell your mother that if she wants to see you she will have to meet you elsewhere from now on. Try to persuade her to leave if you can, but I am sure you know that is futile.

You will feel so much better for doing this, once and for all.

CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat Sat 26-Dec-15 23:57:59

My mum panders to him. They play this odd game - he is her whole life; he knows it. She runs about tending to his every need - a man's place is with his feet up, I have never ever ever seen him even make a cup of tea or wash a plate. But he had an affair a few years ago - he even blamed me - said he couldn't stand to be in the same house as me; so had to go elsewhere. Taunted me that his bit's children were more polite, smarter, prettier etc..

They're both as bad as each other. Completely fucked up. I know it's wrong and abusive. But I know that if I called the police, my mum would back him up. And it would affect his job. Which would ruin my mum.

I just don't know how you can hit your adult daughter for no reason. I'm a mouse when I'm "at home" - I don't speak until I'm spoken to. I don't do anything.

I know it's all wrong. I just wonder what the magical age is? When will I be too old to be hit? sad

CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat Sun 27-Dec-15 00:01:46

My mum doesn't want rescued. She adores him. I own my own house in a different part of the country - I'm only at theirs because it's Christmas and I'm an only child. I went out this evening for a few drinks with my childhood friends - that was a fault.

However; if I'd stayed in? Then I'd have been critisised for "having no friends" hmm

Can't win. Only babies cry you see. I can hear him shouting about me downstairs. All because I dropped my bag in the kitchen and made the dog bark. He hurt me; but he's hurt my heart more

BendydickCuminsnatch Sun 27-Dec-15 00:02:45

You never will be too old to hit, I reckon. I would love to see him fail at everything if your mum wasn't around. He sounds so pathetic! Go NC if your mum is just as bad.

timelytess Sun 27-Dec-15 00:03:28

I'm 25 years of age. Dad has form for this; about two months ago he punched me and made me sit on "the naughty step" (the stairs) and laughed at me and called me a 6 year old
This is appalling. Go non-contact. If he hits you before you can leave, call the police.

BendydickCuminsnatch Sun 27-Dec-15 00:03:36

Oh bloody hell don't waste your time on them then. Enjoy your life in your own, peaceful, safe home.

CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat Sun 27-Dec-15 00:08:53

And sorry. When I said she "likes a break" I mean she likes someone else to talk to just, from time to time. Because she doesn't have any friends. Doesn't need them apparently. Fuck. 15 year old me used to go back and argue this out with them after he'd hit me. 25 year old me has learned from my mistakes

ToddlerTantrums Sun 27-Dec-15 00:10:23

I don't know if I feel sorry for your mum or mad at her. She has either been mistreated for so long she doesn't even see it, or she is an enabler. The fact that she would accept her daughter being hit at any age says a lot.
You need to cut contact with both of them. There is no magic age and you do not deserve to be abused

Friendlystories Sun 27-Dec-15 02:01:59

No, just no, you wouldn't <I hope> put up with anyone else treating you this way so why put up with it from your parents? You sound as though you have an independent life away from them, what do they actually contribute to your life apart from abuse on your Dad's part and disappointment that she won't help you stand up to him on your mum's? I would have to go NC, I know it's hard when they're your parents but you don't need this shit in your life. You can't change your mum's choices but you can change your own and you should be refusing to accept being treated like this.

hownottofuckup Sun 27-Dec-15 02:08:28

I squared up to my dad once DC were there to witness it. I was proud of myself at the time, I saw him off, but now realise how wrong it was to put us in that position in the first place.

Don't do what I did, build your boundaries now.

JohnThomas69 Sun 27-Dec-15 02:42:27

Typical bully. Call the Police or go berserk, but don't sit back and take it. He's a coward of the highest order and you would only have to scare him once.
My dad was on the wagon for many years but occasionally slipped and it inevitably ended up in pandemonium when he got home. Being the youngest of 4 boys i witnessed my older brothers coming of age when he got a hold of him and tossed his pathetic arse out the door.
Fortunately for us it was a wake up call for my mother who refused to see her children getting dragged into his dramas. He was never to be seen again.

DrMorbius Sun 27-Dec-15 09:05:25

We all love the idea of the "family" with parents loving and caring for us. Sadly your family is fucked up (sorry to be so blunt). Your father is a bully and your mother is his enabler. Assaulting his DD is not normal, assaulting a grown woman is not normal.
Sadly over the years Op, your conditioning has blurred the lines for you on what you should accept as "normal" behaviour.

When I was 25 if someone would have told me to sit on the "naughty step", I would have laughed so much I would probably have needed medical attention. If they would have insisted, they would have needed medical attention

To put it bluntly Op you need to take some level of control. You need to recalibrate your boundaries. Can you imagine subjecting any DC's you gave in future to this environment. Go down and firmly and clearly tell your father if he ever assaults you (use those words) again, you will call the police. Tell him to apologise for assaulting you last night or you will call the police.

You need to make him understand you will not accept his behaviour in future. Tell him failure to respect you in future will have consequences (such as NC). Never make a threat you will not carry out, so worked out your boundaries and stick to them. You need to control your life, you are 25.

FantasticButtocks Sun 27-Dec-15 09:13:18

Your mum makes her own choices.

You don't need to choose to ever go there again. Why would you go and visit someone who has punched you? Why apologise to someone who grabs you? You need to stop expecting that you will reach a magical age when he stops. He won't stop. So do not go near him again.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 09:13:33

The ops mother is not "an enabler" she is a victim of long term emotional and physical abuse which has worn her down to living in chronic fear and utter dispair.
It is about much much more than simply enabling him.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 09:16:43

Oh and "standing up to" these men Id very dangerous advice.
One of the risk factors for a victim being murdered is wgen she takes control by either standing up to him or leaving.
The op needs to get herself to safety abd then speak to the police for sure.

Borninthe60s Sun 27-Dec-15 09:30:39

Leave today and NEVER return. Your mum has not put you first, so stop putting her first. Your mum may be a victim but she has a way out with you and won't take it. Make it absolutely clear to her that you will never return, that your door is open for her and not for him. Please don't enable this bully's behaviour any more.

RealityCheque Sun 27-Dec-15 09:36:16

I agree with ledkr. Do not stand up to him unless there are other independent folk around. It is very dangerous advise.

Get somewhere safe then talk to your mum - tell her you will not see your dad again and that she is welcome to come with you. And you will be there if she wants to in the future.

Your dad is a cunt. A bullying cunt. Call the police if you can - having this assault documented could be useful in the future.

Ledkr Sun 27-Dec-15 09:47:59

Also contact womens aid about support for yourself (and mum if she will ever use it) if you lived with this all your life you probably need a way of coming to terms with how normal relationships look.

Not to be goady but I'm still horrified when people say stuff like "if that was me Id laugh in their face, show them the door etc"
The psychology of abuse is very complicated and even the strongest women get caught in the cycle of it.
It's about so much more than not putting up with it.
If Id have laughed in my xh face he'd have probably killed me and Id never advise a client to do it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now