Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Only ever asked out by men I don't fancy

(55 Posts)
Elenismyname Thu 24-Dec-15 13:49:36

Not sure why. I mean the ones I do like never seem to be interested. Has got to the point where I am becoming fairly harsh in my rejection strategy, like why has he he misread my signals again.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 24-Dec-15 14:51:55

Not really sure what to suggest here.
Could you send out some clearer signals to the men you do fancy?
Have you tried OLD? If so, how did that go?

Nepotism Thu 24-Dec-15 14:58:22

I have this problem too, it's almost as if I've become so discerning with age that I don't fancy anyone any more! Maybe you're relaxed with them because you don't fancy them?

Mince314withIcecream Thu 24-Dec-15 15:03:05

Same here!!
Only ever asked out by men i just couldnt possibly think of like that.
It has been like this since i was 15.

Wristy Thu 24-Dec-15 15:52:56

You could always do the asking???

Elenismyname Thu 24-Dec-15 16:05:46

Perhaps I am more relaxed yes with those I don't fancy. Problem is, the ones I do fancy are normally not available. And I seem to fancy fewer and fewer men as time goes on.

Mince314withIcecream Thu 24-Dec-15 16:09:01

Yeh, I think that it's unlikely I@ll ever fancy a man who fancies me. The ones who approach me are all older, fatter, dishevelled............. and they approach me because Hollywood and the media has made them believe they're entitled to a much younger woman. The men my own age that I might fancy are chasing after 30 year olds who aren't innterested in tehm

Answers on the back of a postcard.

SevenOfNineTrue Thu 24-Dec-15 16:22:45

Story of my life. My cousin once told me (many years ago) it was because any man I liked was way above my 'level', I.e. I was too ugly for the ones I liked. To say my self esteem at 18 took a bashing was the truth sad

I now know that was a load of horse manure.

Elenismyname Thu 24-Dec-15 16:33:55

What is sad is when the type that Mince314 mentions get me so annoyed that my guard is kind of up. Then when like last night a guy whom I could possibly get to think of like that given time, makes his interest clear I am so fed up with the while thing I shoot him down and he is hurt and withdraws..

Followyourart Thu 24-Dec-15 18:15:56

You could try to stop being so shallow?

VulcanWoman Thu 24-Dec-15 18:26:20

What is it that they're doing that's putting you off.

Mince314withIcecream Thu 24-Dec-15 19:08:01

It isnt shallow to hope to have some sexual attraction if you are in a relationship. I feel like i only hope for what i can offer myself. ... healthy slim normal attractive & full of personality and chat. If it's "shallow" to be underwhelmed by men years older and pounds heavier .... then im shallow.

IrishDad79 Thu 24-Dec-15 19:28:52

I'm sure you're all supermodels!

Sadsanta75 Thu 24-Dec-15 19:30:26

Doesnt sexual attraction come from how you click with someone rather than just by how they look though? There is a bloke at my work who is at least 2/3 stone overweight but god he has got charisma and has me and a few other women taken in by his knowledge, confidence and just how he is with us all. Sadly he is taken otherwise I would be in there like a shot! Maybe you do the asking then? Men like confident women so I'm told!

Patheticfallacy Thu 24-Dec-15 19:32:09

I don't think you have to be a supermodel to not want to go out with someone you don't fancy. Personally I preferred online dating and met someone lovely that way.

Mince314withIcecream Thu 24-Dec-15 19:34:03

You mock irishdad, but we arent looking for supermodels.....

Elenismyname Thu 24-Dec-15 19:57:45

I am saying I guess that I just feel it is kind of undemocratic that I don't fancy very many people and definitely not the ones that approach me. I am not a supermodel and yes attraction is more than looks. A lot of the ones that I encounter are kind of arrogant and the ones I like are shy or don't say anything. I know I should do the approaching but I'm not confident enough.

christmasbumblebee Fri 25-Dec-15 01:03:06

OP I agree with your perception.

I think it's a mistake to take it too personally, as if it's "your fault"?

Most women (whatever they look like) find that they are asked out by weird guy on street more than someone they have anything in common with!

1. Some men haven't got loads of prospects so feel they have to be more "forthright"?

"Weird guy on street" hasn't got many opportunities to talk to women, so as soon as "anyone" becomes present they pounce.

I've been to meetups where there are one or two single guys who seem incredibly lonely and will latch onto any vaguely presentable single woman who turns up and bombard them with contact (before being rejected, then they get even more desperate).

Whereas an ok looking, socially adjusted bloke will probably be a bit more laid-back as he will have lots of opportunities to connect with women, so can be more patient

(even if he finds a woman attractive and could potentially be interested in a monogamous relationship, he's not going to think you're the last woman on earth or act or be desperate?

The weird blokes who will be surfing the Net looking for tips on how to "pull" or "get" a woman and who think romcoms are real life are more visible due to that).

2. Just be polite and disengage - don't be rude but equally don't feel you have to compensate for not being attracted to someone by being super-nice (it's draining to have male "friends" who secretly fancy you and who aren't actually your friends, just passive-aggressively hanging about waiting for their chance).

3. On this note, focus less on who "asks you out" and more on just engaging with people. Go where your interests are and be yourself, not just random places.

Of my ex and current DP (both of who were CRAZY about me), both sort of "soft-sold" their way in a low pressure courtship, rather than saying "do you want to DATE me?".

So started off with us both coming up with shared activities to do together or chatting at joint events.

Cloppysow Fri 25-Dec-15 02:09:11

Ok. I was with you until you said you fancy the shy ones. The reason the shy ones don't ask you out is fairly self explanatory. You're either going to have to do the asking or stop wondering why.

DadWasHere Fri 25-Dec-15 03:20:40

You could always do the asking???

Oh come on, its 2015, not 3015! My own daughter went after and bagged her first and still current boyfriend and they have been together now for.. what... only two and a half years... how mediocre is that? Plus only the baddest of girls ever ask guys out, she even named her Fallout 4 avatar Slut of the Wastelands, how positively risque.

Sarcasm mode off.

More314 Fri 25-Dec-15 08:55:44

I wish that worked.

Holowiwi Fri 25-Dec-15 12:48:18

Well if you like shy men then you will have to be the one that asks.
Or maybe you are not bringing as much to the table as the men you fancy but don't fancy you.

Ipsy Fri 25-Dec-15 13:40:55

Every man I have dated and really got on with, or that developed into a relationship, was where I made the first move...and I was never rejected.

Sgtmajormummy Fri 25-Dec-15 15:21:27

I'm not a "Relationships" expert, but here's my contribution.

Immediately taking a dislike to someone who asks you out might be a self esteem issue. Rejection or no reaction from people "out of your league" reinforces a low opinion of yourself and then when somebody "normal" makes a move you think "There must be something wrong with him if he likes poor old me".

So self confidence and a happiness to interact socially without jumping to conclusions (Is he interested or just being nice? Who cares!) will work for you in all situations, I think.

And making the first move is definitely acceptable, especially from a self-assured woman. A good mantra for rejection? "If you don't want me, you don't deserve me!"

Grace1467 Fri 25-Dec-15 17:46:13

Story of my life. The ones I really like I get a bit giddy/shy. Where as with others I'm probably more confident, people say confidence is an attractive quality but I lose it if it's someone I really like. It's nothing to do with looks it's often humour for me and charisma. I like this man so much but Darent put myself out there in fear of rejection !

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now