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in laws asking me not to discipline my ds

21 replies

caver · 15/12/2006 14:55

Last weekend we visited my PILS and they seemed to ask me several times not to put my DS in the "naughty corner" after he had either thrown something or hit - I didn't but by the end of the weekend felt they do not like the way I parent at all - DH was not present for most of the times this was said to me.
DS seemed to spend most of the weekend throwing things!
The previous week we had visited my parents and they had backed me up with discipline( i realise now) and my Mum even said I must be a wonderful mum when DS did something he was asked to that he had not wanted to do - so complete contrast to perception of me as mum.
We think that next time we visit PILS we will ask each other what we want to do if they say to back down or say DS is now getting confusing messges - or am I too strict? Worried I can be negative with DS - very quick to tell off maybe?
Thanks in advance for help
Caver

OP posts:
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WigWamBam · 15/12/2006 14:58

How you parent is your choice, not theirs. Even being in their home doesn't give them the right to tell you how to discipline your child.

It's something you need to talk to them about to get the ground rules clear - he is your son, and you will raise him in the way that feels right to you. Tell them that this is your choice, and you feel it needs to be consistent in order for it to work.

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catsmother · 15/12/2006 15:00

Whatever anyone else's views (in laws, friends, whoever) it is not their place to undermine your methods of parenting.

I hope they didn't remonstrate with you in front of the child. If he sensed conflict in the air, that could well have contributed to him playing up.

If you and your DH are happy with the methods you choose to employ in disciplining DS, you need to be consistent, or else you are making a rod for your own backs. It is not as if the PILs were asking you to stop hitting him with your shoe or something.

If they do it again, I would ask to speak to them away from DS and ask them NOT to undermine you as you are trying to establish boundaries for DS. If both you AND DH can confront them, it might reinforce the message.

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WinkyWinkola · 15/12/2006 18:28

This is a tough one. It's absolutely right that you are the parent and it's your role to implement discipline as you see fit. You're starting to doubt yourself and your judgement now as to whether you're too strict etc.

You shouldn't be challenged in this area because it confuses the child and undermines your authority, for want of a better word.

Your PIL probably just feel sorry for your son getting a row but without taking into account his unacceptable behaviour. But they're not DS's parents, you are. They do get to spoil him etc but not at the cost of your parenting.

I'd explain to them that you might do things differently to them but it's your turn to be a parent now and you'd appreciate it if they didn't make comments especially in front of the little lad.

Hope it works out ok. I've got the same problem only my PIL ignore my requests to stop meddling.

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moondog · 15/12/2006 18:30

Caver,it's nowt do do with them.
Tell them 'Snout out'!

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edam · 15/12/2006 18:31

How old is your ds?

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WinkyWinkola · 15/12/2006 18:36

Snout out! Love it! Must remember that one.

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hatwoman · 15/12/2006 18:42

when they say "confusing messages" do they mean that becuase they do things one way and you another? cos if so I believe very strongly that the vast majority of children can cope with this - from a remarkably early age (and in any case, if that is what they meant then they should do things your way). I don;t think you should feel you need to back down on this, but if you decide to make a change of some sort, you can find a way to do it that ds will understand. "granny and grandad don't have a naughty step but (insert alternative) ....." or "granny and grandad say it's ok to bounce on their sofa but remember that it's not allowed at home." etc - children are able to understand pretty complicated rules - as long as they are rules. iyswim.

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WinkyWinkola · 15/12/2006 18:45

Ha ha. I bet when he does bounce on the sofa and the springs go, Granny and Grandad go M.E.N.T.A.L.

And blame the parents of course!

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moondog · 15/12/2006 18:48

Tis a family fave Winky and sooooo damned humiliating and effective.

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StarrmumofRoyalBeautyBright · 15/12/2006 20:44

How you discipline your children is entirely up to you. I bet if something got broken that would be your fault as well!

Stick to your guns and do it your way - if it's working for you why wouldn't you?

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TheHollyAndTheAviatrix · 15/12/2006 20:50

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Message withdrawn

whenevilgotstuckupthechimney · 15/12/2006 20:54

i hate it when this happens - my mil esp. does it all the time, or if she's not, she is very obviously pursing her lips and biting her tongue! as i am not actually a blood relative (obv!) to dss and dsd, it used to bother me. but then i thought "if i was that bad then dh wouldn't have entrusted care of his kids to me!!" i'm with moondog "snout out!" which is what i will hopefully have worked up the guts to say by the time dd is old enough to be disciplined!!

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Sakura · 16/12/2006 02:44

I agree with hatwoman. On one hand, they have absolutely no right to question the way you are raising your child, and should respect you on that account. But, you shouldnT expect them to follow the same rules with your DS. I also believe children fully understand that theres different rules for different people/places. Almost every granny under the sun spoils their grandchildren with sweets and gifts, but the kids dont come home expecting the same from mum.
Say to your ILs that you dont expect them to follow all your rules with your DS when he is with them, and they can do what they like (theyll like that- itll keep the peace), but remind them that you are his mum, and you have thought a lot about how to raise him, so they should please understand` that you are doing things differently to them.

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MomOnTheRun · 16/12/2006 06:33

PILs will always disagree with the DIL just to be authoritive. They aren't the ones looking after the child so they don't mind a days tantrum. You leave DS loose for one day and he will understand what he can get away with. Children are very smart.

As long as you and DH agree on the methods of discipline, I don't see that you have a problem here. All children are different so you cannot use the same method on all children.

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irishyouamerrychristmas · 16/12/2006 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nearlythree · 16/12/2006 09:01

I'm not a fan of the naughty corner, but your pils still have no right to tell you what to do. So ignore them for a start. I really hope they didn't undermine you in front of ds.

But you sound unhappy too, you say you wonder if you are too negative? Do you praise your ds a lot? Is there behaviour that you could ignore rather than punish? We do use the corner of our room but only for hitting or other violence, and we call it the 'thinking corner' as in Steve Biddulph rather than the 'naughty corner'. I hope I am not speaking out of turn, if you are happy with what you do then fine!

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WinkyWinkola · 17/12/2006 09:37

Just interested to know thoughts on the 'naughty corner' concept......Is it not a good notion?

I've not got to that stage yet with my DS you see, but I can see that there will come a time when I'll need some tools to guide his behaviour!

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TheHollyAndTheAviatrix · 17/12/2006 15:50

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DINOsaurmummykissingsantaclaus · 17/12/2006 15:55

Caver, it's difficult without knowing more - for example, how old is DS? And were there other children there - if not, who was he hitting?

Having to use a naughty corner "several times" during the course of one day sounds perhaps a little bit excessive, but I really don't want to clump in and make what sound like critical comments without knowing more .

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MoosMa · 17/12/2006 16:13

I agree that the PILs should snout out (heehee) and shouldn't mess with your rules. I would be v cross if MIL did that to me, and I know I'd find it difficult to talk to her about it too. For a couple of other awkward things I've found that a little comment then a subject change can work, something like "I feel like I'm forever telling him off these days, but I guess it's just a phase that we'll work through. Ooh what lovely flowers."

As for the naughty corner, DD is only 15 months so we're not really at that stage yet, but already I've found that smacking her doesn't work - she just laughs at me and does it again! but plonking her in the other room does get through. I suppose that's our equivalent of the naughty corner, I take her away from the situation and she doesn't like it, but it has stopped plenty of bad habits she was getting into.

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nearlythree · 18/12/2006 10:06

The 'naughty corner' tends to label children as naughty/bad. Whilst there are good things in Supernanny, she uses time out way too much. I've used the 'thinking corner' with dd1 three times in the past six mo because she'd started to hit her sister during chasing games and wasn't stopping. She did think about it because when she came away from it she talked to me about how we don't have hitting in our family.

There does come a time when you do need to set firm boundaries and follow through with them. My dd2 went through a phase of behaving very dangerously every time I fed baby ds. She knew exactly what she was doing. She's a classic case of a child for whom time out isn't going to work. To get her to stay in time out would mean holding her there - it becomes more physical than smacking.

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