Please help new mum stop preaching to DH on how to look after DD......

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

I am hoping someone who has been here can advise me on the best way to bite my tounge...my DD is 3 months old and I am aware that I am driving DH crazy by hovering round him when he is looking after DD and saying "no don't do it like that...do it like this..." I can hear myself and know I sound obsessive/annoying but I honestly don't seem to be able to stop myself...It's like having PMT where the mind says stop but the mouth says go!! It's so hard because being with DD all day I know what will make her smile, what will make her cry and the safest/quickest way to do things....see I'm even rambling on here!!! I would love to enjoy a weekend lie in when my DH gets up with DD but I don't I lay there anxious, hoping that he is doing everything the way I do....I know I sound crazy...please tell me this passes and in the mean time what can I do???????
Thanks very much in advance

[DizzyBinterWonderland]

are you bf or ff? could you leave dh for a few hours and you go out? if bf could you express?

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

Hi Dizzy, thanks for the quick response...I have left DH with DD (am bottle feeding) a couple of times (the first only being a couple of weeks ago mind you) and strangely enough I find it easier than say at weekends when I'm here and he is with DD...it's when I'm here and can see what will stop her fussing etc that I wade right in....DH told me very sweetly last night that he needs to discover DD and her ways by himself and not have me on at him all the time on how to feed/bath/put her to bed etc.... I find it sooooo hard, am I awful???

[NotQuiteCockney]

You're normal. It's good that you're realising that hassling him isn't helping anyone.

The fact is, he won't do anything exactly as you do it - he needs to find his own way!

[DizzyBinterWonderland]

i am exactly the same you know. my dd is 7 months and i have only just started leaving her with dh. with our next baby i will make sure i give them more alone time from the start. because i've taken over everything so much and haven't left them to it i literaly had to leave a time table for dh to follow saying when to feed, change, nap, meal times etc, AND what things she likes to do (!) and what things calm her if she gets grouchy. it shouldn't be like this.

[USAUKMum]

It is normal, but a good way to stop hovering is to think that may he will just give up and stop trying -- then how will you ever get anytime to yourself

And Dads do do things differently, but believe me when they get older it is nice when they will run to Daddy for help just as often as Mommy

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

Thanks NQC....I know I need to chill, I was saying to myself last night "FFS leave him to it" lol....I must make a conscious effort to let things be...

[DizzyBinterWonderland]

exactly. my dh now has very little confidence because of me taking over so much.

i'm now making a big effort to just leave him to it.

last night he made her tea and was literaly saying, how long should the carrots be?

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

Thanks Dizzy,USAUK...I knwo you're both right..I had a smile reading your post dizzy, that's exactly what I do, A little list, do this then...then do this...she looovvvesss this...and hates this...DH looks so exasperated and STILL I go on...he has been v paitient but I can see it's wearing thin

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

lol @ how long carrots

[DizzyBinterWonderland]

trouble with the list though is that he panics if she seems tired and it's not 'nap time' where as i would tweak things he doesn't feel like he can.

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

I know what you mean....I was out Christmas shopping and had a call from DH telling me DD had fallen asleep in her bouncy chair and should he move her to cot?...all I could think was "I have made him like this...unable to think re DD for himself" So I know I need to change. I have to keep reminding myself that we are both first time parents. I think DH longs for the first few weeks when neither of us knew what we were doing! lol

[Gingeme]

Sorry but it doesnt pass. My Dh has 2 ds's of 17 and 19 from his previous marriage and we have 2 ds's together. His wife had pnd and he very much looked after his 2 more or less from birth but when we had our first ds together I was always hovering and ''suggesting'' where he was totaly competent to look after our children. I still cringe when he changes ds's (8weeks) nappy and looks more like hes cleaning out a turkey to cook. Let your dh get on with things in his own way and just be glad he wants to help. Alot of men dont and then you worry about that too.....

[DizzyBinterWonderland]

oh yes i hate that cringing.

i have to keep my face very straight when he dresses her, changes her, puts cream on her, wipes her face etc. i think he does it all 'wrong' but he doesn't, it's just different to how i do it.

[cornflakegirl]

It passes

I went back to work when DS was 7 months, and DH stayed home with him full time. I also had to leave detailed instructions - but DH worked it out for himself really quickly. He did things differently, and it bothered me, and I was probably quite mean to him about it, but guess what - DS is fine!

You're normal, the situation is normal - just keep trying

[CouldEquallyHaveBeenAnAardvark]

You have to leave him to discover her by himself or he'll give up.

Go out more often.

I went back to work and left DH with DS1 when he was 6mo one day a week (a Sunday) - they have a fab relationship and the same is happening with DS2 now because I leave them alone together.

Yes, DH doesn't do things the way I would, but that's because he's not me. He's actually better at some things than I am - he has a lot more patience, for instance.

It's good that you've recognised that this is a problem. Can you talk to him about it and perhaps have a humorous codeword that he can use if he feels you're overstepping the mark and treading on his parenting toes?

[ChristmasisComing]

It's hard isn't it, as we spend so much time with them in hte beginning.

Is there anything that you can make specially 'Daddy's' time - for example it is well known that Dad's bathing their babies / children is really good for them. Could you let him do that wihtout interfenence from you so he actually gets 'better' at it than you and hopefully that will boost his confidence and yours in him. Maybe you could spend that time having a rest, visiting friends / the gym, or if you really cannot relax initially make the supper or do some housework lol

Another thing we did was dh took her out for a walk in the pram with a friend when she was that sort of age - she got very fractious around 5pm and a walk always helped. i was happy as i knew the friend could help him if he needed, and i was not there to hear anything different from what i would do!

We also found that making a 'list' together (ostensibly for dh's mother) was a great way to discuss how we did things and get any message across in a gentle way - and in many cases they have some good ideas, albeit different.

And TBH I was so tired by the time dd was 3 months old I would have been asleep straight away if dh had got up with her at weekends!

a surefire way of 'giving' in to him if you really want to is to get pg again - then you are only too glad of the rest

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

Thank you all so much for replying! glad I'm not the only one am liking the codeword idea...think I'll suggest that, and had to laugh about the changing nappy post, I remember trying so hard not to and then blurting to DH one day "you really dont have to left her legs so that her entire body is vertical you know"....

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

pg again!! already!!! lol
DH can work long hours but does make sure he gets home some nights in time for DD's bath/bottle/bed and after he pointed out yesterday that I was on his case constantly (in his polite and sweet way) I did stay downstairs and not go up, even when DD started to get emotional (had her jabs yesterday and so by evening was feeling fed up bless her ) and he did soothe her, and she went off to sleep, so I know he is fine...I just have to keep reminding myself

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

Am off now for a while - thanks again for all of your posts

[PortAndLemonaid]

I just tried to always ask myself "is he actually risking hurting DS" and if the answer was no (which it generally was) would keep quiet even if I knew there was a better way.

What I did do, if I was sure there was a seriously better way to do something than the way DH was trying, was wait until a lot later on and bring it up more casually when we were both relaxed ("I was just thinking about X... sometimes I find it helps if I try doing Y, I don't know if that would work for you").

But generally I made a gargantuan effort not to criticise and let him find his own way the way I found mine (it really did take effort from me in the first couple of months and I often had to almost literally bite my tongue, but it got easier). I would also tend to bounce back the helpless "what should I do" questions with replies along the lines of "I'm not sure. What do you think?". And he's now great with DS and makes decisions that, while they aren't always exactly the decisions I'd have made, I would definitely describe as well within the range of what I'd consider a sensible decision.

I think it helped that I knew in advance that this is a very common problem, so had resolved to give DH space to make his own mistakes. In fact, it may be the only parenting resolution that I actually managed to stick to... .

[theartistformallyknownasJAM77]

Thanks PAL, I know you are so right and I have a red remark of "must try harder" on my parenting report card I will make a huge effort to back off, I was thinking whilst fighting my way through the supermarket crowds this afternoon that I wouldn't like DH doing it to me and that is what I must bear in mind.