Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Saw DP getting touchy feely with colleague

(448 Posts)
petalpotter Tue 15-Dec-15 19:50:33

Just after some advice really, will try and keep it simple.

Been with DP for 6 yrs, both mid 30's.

He has a close female colleague. They are not in the same team, but I am assuming they were/are stakeholders. He has never seen her outside of work, it's purely a working hours relationship. They often go for coffee while in the office, maybe once a fortnight.

DP is leaving his workplace and he invited this colleague to his goodbye do. I work in the same area and by chance ended up going to the same pub they were at.

To put it bluntly his hands were all over her. Back, waist, bum, legs. I could also hear him tell her how attractive she was.

I left 5mins after seeing this. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted getting very touchy feely with her, but has sworn nothing has happened pre this date.

I believe him, but wow, this hurts. We are planning children/marriage soon (though not engaged), but it has me thinking whether I am enough for him and whether he is still on the lookout for something better.

Would I be unreasonable to leave him because of what he has done?

mintoil Tue 15-Dec-15 19:54:05

YANBU

Plenty of better men out there.

JennaRoss Tue 15-Dec-15 19:54:58

No he has crossed a line IMO.

passmethewineplease Tue 15-Dec-15 19:55:09

Certainly not unreasonable.

Don't settle for this wanker OP!!!

PatMullins Tue 15-Dec-15 19:55:30

Not at all unreasonable! fshock

Scarletforya Tue 15-Dec-15 19:58:00

You believe him? confused

findingmyfeet12 Tue 15-Dec-15 19:59:04

Op you don't have children with this man. This is totally unacceptable behaviour. Get out now.

TendonQueen Tue 15-Dec-15 20:00:49

No, you wouldn't. He'd have gone ahead and cheated if she'd been agreeable, most likely, so now you know he is capable of that. I'd move on now before you're tied in by kids and look for someone better. Sorry, it must have been a horrible shock for you.

petalpotter Tue 15-Dec-15 20:01:34

Thank you. People around me (mum included) are telling me he was drunk, I should forgive etc. But I know what I saw.

Hands on her back. Then discreetly moved down to her bum. Touched her leg. Then I heard him complimenting her body.

P1nkP0ppy Tue 15-Dec-15 20:03:46

He's a letch, if you were close enough to hear him, let alone see him, and he must have known that you could see or were watching yet he carried on?

I wouldn't believe a word he says.

Samaritan1 Tue 15-Dec-15 20:06:36

Honestly, I wouldn't consider a long term relationship with a man like this (again!) Been there, and for me personally once I'd seen this behaviour I don't think I would ever be able to relax when he was out again.

You are not being unreasonable and being drunk is certainly not an excuse.

So sorry you had to see that though. He sounds like a complete knob. angry

Inmybackyard Tue 15-Dec-15 20:06:56

Get real OP, you know this is unacceptable. He knew you were coming to the bar and he did this in full sight of colleagues. I have friends who act like this and it's because they're not that into their girlfriends and are constantly scanning around for something better.

And read the wider context. You're mid 30s, have talked about marriage and children but nothing's happened after 6 years. He's not feeling it. Ignore your mother's hopes to make this relationship go somewhere and reclaim some dignity.

NamechangeyMcWorkStuff Tue 15-Dec-15 20:10:59

This man is a massive mistake, please don't waste your 30s on him. If you feel insecure now, you won't believe how insecure you are when you've given birth and your body has changed, and you're stuck home with the baby while he's "working late" again with another attractive colleague. Yuck. LTB.

Eminado Tue 15-Dec-15 20:12:05

This will only get worse.

Plus I think he is lying.

Cabrinha Tue 15-Dec-15 20:14:10

Why did you witness that behaviour and then just go and leave him to his cheating?

Your mum should be ashamed of herself. A decent mum would be asking your permission to step in and tear him a new one.

Get out now.

Drunk, my arse. Have you ever pawed someone else when drunk? It's not an excuse, at all.

TurnipCake Tue 15-Dec-15 20:17:09

Definitely not unreasonable to leave him over this, not that you ever need a reason.

My ex was like this. He left me for one of our colleagues. Looking back I think I had a lucky escape

P1nkP0ppy Tue 15-Dec-15 20:17:22

Drunk is no excuse whatsoever.
He's not worth it op, you'll never be able to trust him.

Baconyum Tue 15-Dec-15 20:19:11

I'd be very very surprised if they hadn't already been intimate at least once. People who are comfortable enough to have that body language in public usually have. What was her behaviour like?

Even if not you'll never feel you can trust him. When you're feeling fat and frumpy when pregnant/post birth and he's off out socialising you'll be wondering what he's up to.

As for 'he swore' that's common enough with cheaters. Honestly my ex swore on our dd that he wasn't cheating, wasn't until 7 years post breakup while he was pissed and had fought with wife 2 that he admitted everything.

petalpotter Tue 15-Dec-15 20:21:52

Thanks. This is just what I needed to hear.

Trying to do the sums now as we have investments, house, etc together so there will be financial fallout and I would have to move.

Honestly, I am shocked. I left as it was too hard to watch. Puppy dog eyes. He looked liked he wanted to eat her. Not sure what she was thinking, but she definitely did not touch his bum.

hefzi Tue 15-Dec-15 20:22:50

I'm sorry, OP, but he sounds like a sleazemonkey: I don't care how drunk you are, you don't feel up colleagues, even if they seem not to be objecting.

I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to kick him into touch over this.

ImperialBlether Tue 15-Dec-15 20:23:44

It's interesting you're believing everything he says. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

You're at a crossroads now. If you stay with him you can bet your life you will have worries again about his fidelity. Once you have a house and children together, you will be in a very vulnerable position. If you leave, you have the chance of finding someone who's not a creep.

petalpotter Tue 15-Dec-15 20:24:24

The woman was probably more drunk than him. She could barely stand. She gave him hugs back and was very chatty, but she wasn't inappropriate. The hugs were frequent within those 5 mins but she never put her hands on his bum. He was more inappropriate.

Potatoface2 Tue 15-Dec-15 20:26:28

did he know you were there?

petalpotter Tue 15-Dec-15 20:27:15

He didn't know I was there. I was meant to be travelling up north, but didn't in the end.

petalpotter Tue 15-Dec-15 20:28:52

I believe him re not sleeping with her etc. Mainly because I saw her and I could tell she wasn't 100% comfortable. Everyone knows he is with me, her included. Would be very embarrassing for her to be all over a guy with a known DP.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now