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I think im breaking down.

(7 Posts)
needhelpandadvice Tue 15-Dec-15 17:05:08

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2513917-EA-abusive-husband-has-left-why-am-i-in-bits

Backround above, as each week passes by I feel worse and worse. I think constantly of the family that we are no longer are and it saddens me deeply, even though he could be so horrible and has been when we have split.

When will this lift? I know it was for the best, he played mind games, I questioned my sanity etc. I have freedom now, no answering to where about etc and in a way the home feels happier. But bang, there it goes and the sadness is back, im tempted to text/ring and try to salvage something, but something always stops me.

I have even been asked out by a man for a meal but I couldn't bring myself to say yes, even though I have know him for years and he is lovely.

I cant see how or where the future is.

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 15-Dec-15 17:51:35

Know how you feel. It's about getting unstuck from the mindfuckery he instilled in you. He ruined it not you. I found mild ADs helped to give that extra lift into independence and confidence with others. Stops you going backwards in your head. Visit your GP. Previously I have never had any medication ever but would now recommend.

pocketsaviour Wed 16-Dec-15 11:15:59

How long has it been since he left, OP? Is he still coming over to see DD? That must be very upsetting if so and just reminds you of the relationship which you thought you had.

In a way you have been bereaved - you are grieving for the future that you thought you had with him, which now isn't there any more. It will take some time for you to feel "normal" again.

im tempted to text/ring and try to salvage something, but something always stops me.

This is really good actually - because deep down you have accepted that he wasn't good for you and even though you are grieving and lonely, you still have the self respect not to to chase after him.

Do you have good support around you in RL? Friends and family?

ricketytickety Wed 16-Dec-15 11:30:13

It is like a sort of grief for losing what might have been. The sadness can really gnaw at you, especially at night. I would say it improves day by day in such small doses that it is sort of unnoticeable until something happens to remind you of your freedom. It depends on how long the relationship was and what has happened since as to how long it takes to recover.

For example, if he has gone straight into another relationship you might find yourself struggling to understand how he has managed to get away with it all whilst you are picking up all the pieces. This adds to the sadness you feel on giving up on what you wanted (and couldn't have - the happy relationship with an EA-er).

Things that make it easier or help recovery happen at a slightly quicker pace are:
- doing all those things you couldn't do before
-enjoying being the master of your own ship
-socialising with friends and family day or evening
-doing something just for yourself - a spa day/haircut/daytrip/eating/doing a course
-take time to smell the roses - it's the little things you have now that feel so good and you need to spot those moments and enjoy them to the max.

Ime I felt gutted for a few months, wobbly for a fair few more, then slowly more human and less wobbly. One day I was out with my dd on a little picnic and I literally felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders. I will never forget that day or feeling. It was like the sun was shining just on me and her. After that I had the most wonderful year, though still battled insomnia and moments of fear/sadness. It felt like everything was slotting into place for me and my dd. I savoured my singleship and our home was very happy (most of the time - still had the stress of loneparenting). After that I became more normal and in a way I lost that lovely feeling of freedom because I have got more used to it. I would say that after the first wobbly months my life became magical for a year or so. It's the gift after all the shit you've been through.

I have since sought out some counselling but do that when you are ready. It might aid your recovery, but it's not something you should do until you are ready to go over it all again.

needhelpandadvice Wed 16-Dec-15 22:20:42

I think if I was to contact him and ask him back he would say yes. He lost control when he was threatening to leave as he did many times before but this time I let him.

It just feels like I can no longer see a future, I don't know where im going. Im not even sure I know how to be normal in a normal relationship anymore.

I asked DC how she is now feeling about dad not living with us now and she said today she is used to now, all the bad moods are gone, she can get up in the mornings even early without worrying about getting a row for being up too early.

Yet my heart breaks for no longer being a family.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 16-Dec-15 22:23:22

You are still a family with DC. You are a safe family, and you will be a happy family.

This sense of not knowing quite what is what is normal, and it will pass.

Are you getting any support from a recovery group?

needhelpandadvice Wed 16-Dec-15 22:35:32

No support from a recovery group, there isn't much in the way of that where I live without a huge waiting list.

I have been looking back thinking maybe things weren't that bad, I think that must be normal, im remembering all the goods bit now, especially this last few weeks.

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