Things have come to a head today

[DollyDays]

Background- together 10 years, 2 dc.

Dp has a stressful job which can often include long hours. I'm a sahm. Dp works, and literally does nothing else. I don't mind this most of the time but I do expect a bit of help when he has a day off or if I've specifically asked him to do something.

He was off work sick for 2 months this year with stress related headaches. He had various tests and was finally given some tablets which after 2 days he stopped taking as they made him feel ill. He still hasn't been back to the GP to try another type as he went back to work and apparently can't take time off to go. This means he's still suffering with the headaches and is ill 90% of the time he's home.

This week I haven't been well. I have stomach problems and was literally doubled over in pain on Monday morning when he left for work. I then had to get do ready, take ds to school, drive to next town and decorate for mil (she's in hospital and I'd promised), stop to pick ds up, get home, cook, clean, homework etc all the while looking after ds2. Dp didn't come home that night as he worked late and was miles from home.

Yesterday, I did the same (had to finish the decorating) as well as shopping. When I got home with Dc I heard hissing from my tyre. Dp got home last night, said hello to us then lay on the couch with a headache. I put kids to bed then did Dp his tea, while he ate I asked if he could look at my tyre. He said yes, no problem. Later on in bed I reminded him and he said sorry, will sort in the morning. He got up and left for work before I was up and when I went to do school run tyre was completely flat.

This is already very long (sorry) so I won't list more examples but this is typical of him putting work before everything and everyone. He thinks I'm being unreasonable by getting pissed off when his work is so important but I'm so sick of us coming last. I have to get on with things when I'm ill and it feels like a piss take.

Don't know what I'm asking tbh, I'm just so fed up

[Threefishys]

Why don't you go back to work to level it up a bit? Maybe if you could contribute financially to support the family he could slow down at work a little and regain some work/home balance

[Suddenlyseymour]

Brilliant- he has an undiagnosed health issue which he won't make time to get sorted, and therefore in the meantime the rest of you suffer. He has a responsibility to everyone around him - it's impacting on all of you, it's just not fair.

[Threefishys]

Yes been diagnosed hasn't he? Maybe an Mri scan might be an idea. I suffer from cluster headaches but had to have an mri to establish no brain problems etc first.

[DollyDays]

I'd love to but for what I'd be earning we couldn't afford childcare. Even when ds2 starts nursery the holidays would cost more than I could earn.

Also, I know that all of the child related problems would fall to me (ie inset days, sickness) as his job is sooo important. He's a complete martyr at work and couldn't possibly leave them in the lurch, he has 3 weeks holiday he's supposed to take before the end of the year and that's not happening!

[DollyDays]

He's waiting on an mri scan. Had bloods, epg, 24hr bp monitoring etc.

[Threefishys]

He's a complete martyr to work and in the nicest possible way your op reads that your are a complete marytr to everything else , even decorating for his mum... . My exh has an extremely demanding high powered and high earning job - a 24/7 responsibility type thing. Which meant all the home stuff fell to me. That was the price of not working outside the home. Not saying it right am saying its what happens. So choices are: phone an emergency mechanic/decorator whatever else you need - outsource that stuff and your DH can pay for it or suck it up, unfortunately.

[Hissy]

Why didn't YOU sort the tyre out? Either take it somewhere or get the wheel changed? There was no need to delegate such a trivial and menial task.

I work, am a single parent and have no family or help. If a job needs doing, I do it.

You need to think fast here, and get something in plan to take some of the pressure off the unit.

If you don't work, you don't earn. If you work and initially that money gets largely spent in childcare it's still worth you doing it as childcare is split between you and your h, and with training etc you'll progress and earn more.

Or could you get an evening job? Or train to be a childminder? I worry that the life you have carved is not sustainable, and if your h gets really suck, or worse, you'll be at a standing start.

[Cabrinha]

He can have 2 months off sick, but not take holiday?
Has he always been like this?
Is there pressure from work, or is it his own doing?
He doesn't sound as if he's simply a workaholic enjoying it or using it to escape from family life, if it led to 2 months of stress headaches bad enough to have him off work.

Do you know what is driving him to work all the hours? Understanding that is I think key to working out how to help him stop (e.g. financial - downsizing, giving up holidays) or working out that you can't stop him, and plan accordingly.

In the meantime, you need to make sensible choices about making your own life easier. You should have told your mum you were too ill to decorate. It's not your husband's fault you did that unwell.

Could be ultimatum time on the work hours - but you really need to understand why he works them, to know what kind of ultimatum you should give.

[DollyDays]

I'm not usually Three, I was just mentioning the fact that I have to get on with things when I'm ill (not usually decorating but I'd still have dc to take care of) while he can manage work but is too sick to put his kids to bed when he hasn't seen them for 2 days. Work is always more important.

As for Dp paying for things, that's my money too! And we can't afford things like that.

[Threefishys]

I suppose he had no option but to soldier on at work whilst ill and in that way you are doing the same.

[DollyDays]

Hissy I didn't sort the tyre out because I asked Dp and he said he would. Simple as that. Obviously when it wasn't done today I did it myself after walking to school -late-

Cabrina it's just what the job entails unfortunately. It's not always like this but a few times a year when there are targets to be met there's a lot of work to do. It's not a job he could cut down on hours.

An evening job wouldn't work either as Dp often works late and stays away some nights.

[timeisnotaline]

But they are not doing the same , because he comes home and collapses on the sofa while she continues parenting. Where is her 'I'm done in and you can handle everything' sofa?

[Threefishys]

Have you ever suffered from stress headaches?

[pocketsaviour]

How long are these insanely-long-hours periods at his work going on for? Do they happen at the same time (roughly) every year - e.g. Xmas, Easter, etc? Do his colleagues work similar hours to him during these times?

[Handywoman]

I think people are getting derailed over the division of labour. When actually the OP just wants her DH to, you know - give a shit ?

Not much to ask I don't think?

[Cabrinha]

OK, so there's mixed messages there - either he always puts work first (which kind of implies he has a choice) or he has no choice, it's just what the job entails.

It sounds like he could be stressed and under a lot a pressure and being made ill by it. He may be a selfish arse of course, but I'm not sure from your posts.

Not sure whether it's a "plan for it, them's the breaks" situation around targets, or if he's taking the piss and you should tell him enough is enough.

Take the tyre... Do you think he didn't give a shit and was just saying he'd look to shut you up, or do you think he genuinely forgot?

How positive do you think he'd be about talking it through - how you can both make the busy times work? Or whether it's all too much for relationship and his health?

I don't think it's always fair to compare the "just getting on with it when ill" thing. I know it's only one event, but I would say you chose to get on with that decorating. Work doesn't always feel like you're actually choosing - can feel like do it or lose your job. Which isn't a choice, really.

[Cabrinha]

Btw, if I sound biased to his "side" it's not because I think you should put up and shut up

It's because my dad had a work stress breakdown when I was 12, and I've seen what pressure can do, and that the collapsing on sofa when in thing isn't always laziness or selfishness.

[VenusRising]

You're not really looking after yourself dolly, are you. Where's the joy? Where's your money? Your power? Your drive?

You need to go back to work I think.

Run some what ifs through your mind and see what pops up.

What if your DP has a brain tumour?
What if you have one?

What if you have an accident because you didn't get your own tyre fixed?

It's not rocket science to go to a garage and get a new tyre.

You need to have a think about things, like how you are going to live the rest of your life.
Playing the blame game is very exhausting, no wonder you are fed up.

Make some changes. Take back your life.

[Threefishys]

I am slightly biased towards the husband if I'm honest - because I suffer with chronic headaches and also because I've been married as I said to someone who's work was all consuming and which afforded me the ability to be a SAHM at the time. it wasn't the right relationship for me - even though I knew exactly what I was getting into - so we split. It really is sh*t or get off the pot as a friend of mine says. His work is his work. He is suffering because of it but he needs to do it to support his family.

[DollyDays]

Handy that's precisely it and is what I said to him today, I feel like he doesn't give a shit.

He is under pressure in his job, he has a supervisory role and therefore takes shit from his bosses for everything that goes on under him. His colleagues don't work as much as him and they miss targets, he doesn't. pocket yes, end of quarter.

The tyre example, I absolutely believe he just forgot. Just like he forgot to get money out of the bank for ds' birthday cake, and how he forgot loads of other seemingly unimportant things. It's as like if it's not work related, it doesn't matter.

[Threefishys]

Stress headaches if they are anything like cluster headaches absolutely wreck your thoughts processes they are literally mind numbingly painful and trying to focus the mind is a real effort. So its reasonable to imagine your Dh is working through that all day and when he comes home he will be in pain and mentally exhausted so forgetfulness can be forgiven. He gives a shit by solely supporting his family in a job that is actually making him poorly.

[Cabrinha]

And I'm going to say this though you might not like it.

DP.

You're not married then?

Even if married I think people should guard their prospects and independence carefully.

But DO NOT make shortsighted work decisions - what if you split up? What if he dies? (frankly, unmarried you're not even going to get widow's state pension)

Even if you don't earn much, it can keep you employable or you could be developing your career options, or training. Remember that childcare doesn't come off YOUR SALARY. It comes off your household income.

And yes, it's hard when one person picks up the childcare slack but it may be worth at least trying. I only have one child, but actually illness and other issues have been pretty rare. And your mother sounds local.

I wouldn't write off working.

[Threefishys]

Also if he has been given something like amitriptyline they do make you feel rubbish.

[Cabrinha]

You're the one with all the info.

If he forgets tyres and going to the cash point during quarter end - I am totally with him! When I'm in the crazy period at work (let alone ill and with targets to meet) I forget other stuff. Stuff for ME - like hair appointment for example, so it's not about not caring, cos I care about me!

If he's like this during the normal periods though, I veer towards calling him a selfish arse!

[Joysmum]

I had this with my DH.

He chose to have the imbalanced work/home life balance and I'd had enough.

He'd do long hours, work away and do weekends.

My job was to ensure his non-working hours were leisure, so nothing to do at home re parenting or running the household unless he wanted to.

The problem I had was that I didn't want to do the hours he did, saw it as him working and my duty to match that work ethic. Trouble was his work was also his hobby whereas my work wasn't (to say the least) but I did other things I did enjoy that made money, so not purely a SAHM (couldn't have coped with having nothing else in my life to earn my keep).

Unfortunately he's lost both parents before he was 40 and regretted not having time with them, his health is appalling.

It took for his dad to die and the realisation, yet again, that he had no life other than work and a few hours with us.

I laid it on the line. Told him I didn't want him to die young, told him I missed him, told him I resented that he'd stormed ahead in his career at the cost of mine.

So now things are better. No weekends, less hours in the week and he delegates so there's not much time away now. He's still doing longer and unpredictable hours compared to most but it's better.

I got the usual martyr comments too when I made the mistake of ranting on here I don't think many can appreciate its not just the long hours, but the unpredictability that scuppers anything you want to do as you have to be truly flexible to make his job possible for him.