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Feeling angry that dh has been away every Sunday for past 3 years to pursue a hobby.

(51 Posts)
Mrbrowncanmoo Mon 07-Dec-15 20:35:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wiltedflowers Mon 07-Dec-15 20:40:45

I think it's important that both parents have their own time away from the family regularly. I have a DD with ASD and I've spent one day a week away from family as it's necessary for a hobby/sport that's important to me, I think I would go mad without that time for myself. I do make an effort to commit to the family during the rest of the week and it sounds like your DH is pulling his weight the rest of the time.

Are you receiving any respite from SS for your DS? That would allow you to have some time to yourself while ensuring he is being cared for. I wouldn't be able to have any free time if it weren't for the respite we get.

CookieDoughKid Mon 07-Dec-15 20:44:45

What is it that your dh does during Saturday day time and morning? Can't you arrange family time then? And also work out time during a Friday night or Saturday morning where you get time to yourself?

expatinscotland Mon 07-Dec-15 21:12:44

YANBU. I will never understand all these hobby people when the kids are really young.

Mrbrowncanmoo Mon 07-Dec-15 21:21:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieDoughKid Mon 07-Dec-15 21:26:28

Why can't dh spend time with ds on Saturdays? Sorry if I have missed something. Or is the issue that your dh isn't being flexible enough?

AnnaMarlowe Mon 07-Dec-15 21:31:27

Doesn't he spend time with your DS on Saturdays?

My DH does a time consuming sport. Most weeks he's out several evenings and at least 5-6 hours one day at the weekend often twice that.

However it keeps him fit, makes him happy and relieves stress. My DH is an excellent Dad and focuses on the children when he is there.

Quality is important as well not just quantity.

Mrbrowncanmoo Mon 07-Dec-15 21:42:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seeyounearertime Mon 07-Dec-15 21:43:37

What on earth is it he's doing for 5 years?
Is it something he's hoping will put him in a better stead? Like a new career or something ?
It seems a little long and with a defined 'end' for a 'hobby'

Not that it mattes but if it was something to better himself and get a better job etc he could be seeing it as he is doing something for the family?

CookieDoughKid Mon 07-Dec-15 21:46:53

How old is your ds? I think your dh spends a decent amount of time with your ds on a Saturday and hopefully it's quality time. Maybe have dh put ds to bed or do baths one or two evenings during the week as well. I think it's important to have time to oneself, and don't be afraid to get babysitters in every now and then!

BathtimeFunkster Tue 08-Dec-15 08:01:28

Making yourself unavailable every Sunday so you can pursue a hobby is just not something that decent parents do.

Half of every weekend he is away, so half of every weekend you are forced into solo parenting.

What a shit childhood for your son.

People who would "go mad" if they had to actually live normally with their children and not get away from them at every possible opportunity shouldn't have had children.

josephwrightofderby Tue 08-Dec-15 08:07:41

I'm confused by the way you describe this hobby. Most hobbies are kind of open-ended things. Like someone who plays golf religiously every week. But you say this is a "course" and he is "studying" and about half way through??

If this is something like a degree or postgrad course that will eventually improve his professional life and give the family a new start, that would be completely different to someone who's sodding off to go fishing all day once a week. I'm not saying your concerns wouldn't be valid, but there would be counterarguments. Whereas I have no time at all for the kind of selfish man who puts something like a non-professional enjoyment of sport above parenting responsibilities.

Caprinihahahaha Tue 08-Dec-15 08:14:20

Is it a hobby?
Is it a hobby or a qualification? I'm struggling to think of a five year course with no breaks whatsoever which is just a hobby. Do other people do that with him?

I think being alone every Sunday must seem quite tough when your DH could be there but chooses not to. My DH played cricket and rugby but if I ever said 'give it a rest for a week or two' or if we had family visiting or something, he would not be available.
It's the no breaks thing that would get me down.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 08-Dec-15 08:14:30

Courses can be hobbies. I'm doing a degree for interest. I already have a degree, so it's little to do with career advancement, it's my leisure activity.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 08-Dec-15 08:15:53

A degree with the OU takes six years.

Caprinihahahaha Tue 08-Dec-15 08:16:03

Well yes but do you attend lectures every single Sunday?

If it were a course I would expect some equivalent to terms. The ou doesn't provide course days 50 weeks a year do they?
And Sunday's?

fluffypenguinbelly Tue 08-Dec-15 08:19:23

I would be less than impressed! This wouldn't happen on our house as DH wouldn't even consider it an option.

You didn't have a child with this man for him to choose to fit in family life around what he wants to do. Very selfish.

Caprinihahahaha Tue 08-Dec-15 08:24:12

I confess I'm really curious to know what it is because a) I can't imagine what hobby requires literally every Sunday without break and b) I can't imagine how they keep going given that mist people would say 'fuck off - a 6 year course that requires attendance every single week of the year'

The only thing I can think of is flying where you clock up hours but that wouldn't require prep the night before and would still be quicker than 5/6 years

lottiegarbanzo Tue 08-Dec-15 08:29:01

You don't go to lectures at all with the OU but you do need to put the study hours in every week. I can't just drop weeks. Some subjects have practical elements. Not 50 weeks a year no.

But, who cares exactly what course it is, is it really not possible to grasp the concept without knowing exact details? OP says it's a course and hobby. I've offered one illustration, as people were struggling to comprehend. So 'that sort of thing', not 'it must be precisely this'.

Isetan Tue 08-Dec-15 08:49:18

The parenting imbalance wouldn't automatically be redressed if he was available on a Sunday.

It's time to have a grown up conversation, there's a balance to be struck but you aren't the arbiter of that balance. The 'I didn't have the heart to...' martyrdom has contributed to your seething resentment and that's corrosive, not productive. Yes it would be nice if he saw the imbalance but he hasn't and you picking up his slack, contributes to his myopia. Therefore, the redressing of the parenting imbalance will require you to step back, as much as it requires him to step up.

Mrbrowncanmoo Tue 08-Dec-15 10:18:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caprinihahahaha Tue 08-Dec-15 10:36:23

Yes, I'm familiar with how the OU works.

I confessed I was "really curious" so perfectly capable of grasping the concept.

I just think it's probably possible for the ops DH to study, for example, 'being a pissy twat on the internet' via some course or other without it requiring Saturday evening and all day Sunday every single week for 6 years.

Habari Tue 08-Dec-15 10:37:36

I wondered if it was related to spiritual development... but then thought it couldn't be as surely someone that invested in their spiritual wellbeing would know that love and support for the family is a large part of the journey to enlightenment. If he is only focused on himself and neglecting those he loves and who love and need him, he is missing a large part of the point.

josephwrightofderby Tue 08-Dec-15 10:39:57

In that case, I think Isetan is right that this is about balance. I can appreciate the importance of spiritual development, but it should not come at the price of his family. (What kind of spirituality is that, anyway?) I'm not saying he shouldn't do the course, but that there should be a negotiation about this where he shoulders other burdens. Simply bringing in cash does not a father make. I also think the suggestion that you may have to begin by disengaging and stepping back is a good one.

Caprinihahahaha Tue 08-Dec-15 10:40:54

Yes Habari,
Spiritual development that involves upsetting your family seems extraordinarily self obsessed.

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