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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I right in thinking he's being a dick???

91 replies

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 16:39

I've posted a couple of times recently about h's behaviour and read lots of things that I'm getting confused with things, questioning lots of stuff but not completely sure I'm right.
Can you help me get this straight in my head before I take the appropriate action to deal with it.
The other day I needed to take a dc to a party, h asked me to change another dc before I went. I agreed and asked him to move the xmas present out of the car while I did it.
The next day he takes dc's out and when he gets there I get a text thanking me for the fact he didn't have a coat because I'd made such a fuss over him taking the present out the day before he now didn't have a coat.
My initial reaction was wtf grow up and take responsibility for your own actions (I didn't make him take coat out of car ) . Apparently I was in the wrong.
I didnt get the opportunity to address this with him till the next day. He claims I am paranoid and read into things the wrong way, he was joking. I know he wasn't and 1 of the dc's told me he'd been cross when he realised he had no coat.
I know it's a trivial matter but there's a pattern of him blaming me for everything and refusing to see/accept any responsibility for his actions.
I've tried to talk to him today and the new one of me being paranoid has come up, we've had to pause as dc's home and needed running around.
I intend to press play again on this tonight, no doubt he'll moan about me dragging things out and trying to pick a fight.
Am I right in thinking he's being a dick and start taking responsibility for his behaviour/actions or am I just trying to pick a fight???

OP posts:

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TinyDancer69 · 02/12/2015 17:26

He's being a dick, yes. Is this a new thing or are there other behaviours/incidents? I'm sorry, I don't think I've read your other posts.

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 20:14

It's far from new, really can't take it anymore. He never ever apologised for any of it. There's plenty of other stuff, his constant changing moods, his temper over stupid little things like him not being able to find his keys because I've moved them (usually in his coat pocket where he left them) then he'll bitch and moan about the state of the house. It's just constant stress with me walking on eggshells because I can't judge his moods anymore

OP posts:

TinyDancer69 · 02/12/2015 20:28

OP this sounds like a horrible way to live. Do you think he's pushing you to make a decision of some sort? I hate to say this, but could his behaviour be due to a guilty conscience? Whatever it is, he's not just being a dick, he's being an abusive dick. Your feeling of walking on eggshells is very telling and I'm sure he's only too aware of what he's doing and the impact it has on you.

Have you sat him down and talked about his behaviour and how utterly unacceptable it is? How does he react if you've confronted him?

Really OP it's no way to live and I can sense from your post that you're fast approaching your tipping point. It's s dreadful example to set to your children and he needs to be very clear about that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2015 20:30

This is not a trivial matter at all, why did you write those words anyway?. Do you want your children growing up thinking that this from their dad is at all normal?. It certainly is not.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

He reads to me as actually being emotionally abusive towards you and such men do not change. They certainly never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. The appropriate action to deal with him if this is indeed the case is to separate.

I presume he is only like this towards you and no-one else particularly to those in the outside world. He probably comes across as quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Seeyounearertime · 02/12/2015 20:34

It's just constant stress with me walking on eggshells because I can't judge his moods anymore

If this were AiBU they'd probably be saying LTB, calling emotional abuse and probably suggesting freedom program or counselling etc. All valid options.

Personally I would always suggest talking to OH as calmly as you can, of nothing changes then think about whether you want to continue living like this for the next 5, 10, 15 years? And Is this how you want kids to believe relationships work? All important points IMO.

Snowglobe18 · 02/12/2015 20:37

Ah yes, my DH is very like this. I'm at breaking point, no advice really.

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 20:44

Attilla I just meant the actual coat situation was a trivial matter but the behaviour wasn't.
He's been like this for a long time and I have had enough. I've tried explaining that his behaviour is out of order but then I'm making him out to be a bully (no shit) and I'm being a martyr.
Bloody typical that I need to talk to him and I currently have a screaming toddler running around

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/12/2015 20:52

I wouldn't raise the coat again. That's done. He won't apologise, it won't change anything and he will make you feel like shit.

In future why not respond immediately as per your initial thoughts wtf grow up and take responsibility for your own actions

You saying walking on eggshells to judge his moods isn't working anymore? How about walking in your own shoes doing what you want without giving a second thought to his moods. If he is going to get in a random mood about something random then you might as well just get on and do whatever you want irrespective of his moods.

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 23:06

Thanks ratbbit, I've pretty much been doing that for the last few weeks and it's been a miserable time. It doesn't stop him pecking away about stuff, his strops and grumping.

OP posts:

IamlovedbyG · 02/12/2015 23:18

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IamlovedbyG · 02/12/2015 23:19

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/12/2015 23:24

The scales have fallen from your eyes. He is indeed a dick.

What are you going to do?

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 23:40

Im mid 30's most days I feel about 60

OP posts:

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 23:44

I really don't know what to do. I'm beyond reluctant to move as dc's have had to move schools twice in the past few years and eldest is last year of primary.
I would love for him to wake up one day and realise what he's been doing, but that's never going to happen. I'd even be happy for someone else to tell him what he's doing in the vain hope he'd listen to them. I'm really stuck

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 02/12/2015 23:46

That's far too young to feel like this.... Not that any age is right to feel like this.

Go find someone better.

Seeyounearertime · 02/12/2015 23:48

I'd suggest that he should be the one to move, not you.
Why should you and the DC be uprooted because his attitude is that of a fuckwit?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 02/12/2015 23:50

It might seem.that way op but there is always a way.

And yes he is dick.
No he won't stop.

And it sounds like the suggestion of having a chat has bern trued already and failed.

Have you tried fully laying it on the line?
If he does the bully martyr thing say 'yes, yes you are being a bully. If it does not stop then I'd like you to leave. This just isn't working anymore'.

Make it clear its the end of the line. But you have to mean it. Be prepared to end the rs and start looking at who is moving out.

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 23:51

Absolutely no way he would move, it would be a horrible custody battle.

OP posts:

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 02/12/2015 23:52

Really he cannot even change a child when you are going out and he thinks he might go for custody? More likely he will say he will and be all talk and no trousers.

Who looks after them normally?

slightlyinsane · 03/12/2015 00:00

I'm a sahm, there's no way he could handle having them all day everyday but I really think he'd put up a serious fight for them. He's under the impression he does loads for them and it would be a doddle looking after them. I know the truth

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 03/12/2015 00:02

Maybe you should call his bluff? Obviously you know your OH but I don't sonit might not be a great idea.

But once you laynit on the line and say you're going to leave and he'll HAVe to raise the kids until you're settled he might decide him moving is the best plan.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/12/2015 00:14

Abusive men always threaten to go for custody, simply because they believe it will make their partners carry on submitting and obeying rather than kicking them out.They don't want custody and are unlikely to get it. If he claims that he will be able to throw you out without a penny or have you labelled an unfit mother or whatever it's bullshit.
Get some legal advice on how to end the marriage and what financial support you would be able to get (both from this prick and from the government). You don't have to live with a bully, and it's not good for your DC to grow up in a house where everything revolves around a man's ego.

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slightlyinsane · 03/12/2015 09:50

I can't take the risk of calling his bluff, I don't doubt that he would fight tooth and nail for custody. Theres little to no chance he would get full custody but he doesn't see that, he's very much a "justice for fathers " person. We've had many a debate over the years about various scenarios that we've come across. He had a horrific childhood that has left him very damaged with some very very strong skewed opinions on things.
Why does life have to be so bloody complicated

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 03/12/2015 10:24

You need clear and positive steps op to take you from where you are, to where you want to be.

I'd suggest definitely look on
www.entitledto.co.uk
Fill it in as best you can for being single with your DC. This will give you an idea of Housing Benefit entitlement, tax credits etc.
Then go on Gumtree and look for rentals within where you need, close to schools etc. Get an idea of rent prices.

I feel, and it may have been said, that your kids would be better off moving again and living with a happy Mum and seeing their dad at weekends or what have you than living in the situation you're in.
I don't believe people should stay together "for the kids" as it impacts the children negatively.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/12/2015 11:30

OK, so he's going to be a dick about child access. See a solicitor and work out your best moves.

If he were to get 50:50 childcare that might be good. In my experience (of other people's divorces) it goes one of two ways: when he is left alone in his own flat to care for DC 50:50 or EOW or whatever, he steps up and becomes a good father; or the other way, after a couple of months he makes excuse after excuse to miss contact and/or gets his mum/sister to do the childcare on his days and within a year there is pretty much no contact.

I see no reason why yours would be any different, do you?

If he gets 50:50 and does step up like he says he would, that's good isn't it?

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