Emotional Incest, difficult parenting and feeling a bit lost

[whiteghosts]

Has anyone had any experience with growing up not quite able to feel secure in the world or "all right"?

Respectable middle clas family where I wanted for nothing.

• My Dad was very unavailable emotionally, was quite angry and dismissive and I was always trying to make him like me (stil do) although I know he loves me.
  

• My Mum was always like a kid herself that I felt needed looking after. She'd come to me with her problems, even those with my Dad from a very young age. She was also a very angry person, a lot of walking on eggshells to stop her screaming and she would stonewall or "not talk to you" if you didn't please her.
  

• They fought a lot, not horribly violent but certainly me cowering at the top of the stairs praying no one would kill the other one. Dad screaming your mother's a cunt" at me when I was really little.
  

• This was really how I rememeber my life from around age 5 to age 14 or so when I was able to have my own independence.
  

• Both parents are very loving to me in many ways now, would not hesitate to give me the shirt off their back. Would drive over now if I said I was ill and needed some paracetamol and both want the best for me -but even now at the age of 38 I couldn't go to either of them for an emotional problem or sense of security. Both can still get angry or ignore if you don't please them.
  

I left home very early and was more secure and stable on my own and got away as far as I could for a long time but found I lived quite a lonely life.

My first love was a healing relationship for me but when he left me after 5 years I found it very, very hard (abnormally so) to get over.

My second love provided me with deep stability, security but he did everything for me and I ceased to be an adult. He actually disappeared after several years which left me quite shaken as I'd thought he was my rock and struggled to cope.

Since then I find I have very secure relationships with friends, but just can't seem to get it right with men at all.

I know this all has to do with my childhood and I haven't just become a fully whole and happy individual but I can't afford therapy and want to just feel all right and be happy.

Any inight or experiences?

[pocketsaviour]

Hello OP,

Sorry you've had such a difficult time, and continue to have a difficult time.

It's not surprising that you've had problems forming healthy adult relationships when your earliest experience of an adult relationship was a horribly abusive, dysfunctional one.

I can't afford therapy

Can you afford not to have it? How much is your eventual happiness (whether with a partner or on your own) worth to you?

Lots of counsellors do sliding scale fees if you're on benefits or low income. You have to ask yourself if you're worth investing in your health. (Spoiler: You Are. :) )

[whiteghosts]

I literally was sat on the phone today with the council trying to see how long I've got before they give me a summons for not paying it :(

I'm also a financial mess after second love left. He did everything for me, I didn't work, and he quite literally disappeared. I didn't know he was gone until he was gone and went through homelessness briefly.

Back on my feet - ISH, but constant struggle still and really no cash for therapy.

I just want to sort my life out!

[whiteghosts]

Was it horribly abusive?

I have never realy seen it that way...

[Snowglobe18]

Good heavens you could have been writing about me. I'd highly recommend therapy.

[whiteghosts]

I know it's the best solution. Was just wondering if there are things ou can do for yourself.

Like I was readign about healing your inner child but not really sure what to do.

[pocketsaviour]

There is a book called Homecoming by John Bradshaw which has some lessons on inner child work. However, it's usually recommended to do these as part of one-to-one or group therapy sessions, because it can be very difficult and sometimes emotionally overwhelming.

Think about it - you're giving yourself permission to feel and express the fear and pain felt by yourself as a child. Those emotions can be really powerful and primal. Incredibly cleansing and healing, but also quite frightening if you haven't done any type of healing work before.

A better book to start with might be Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. And your parents certainly qualify!

Yes, their relationship was horribly abusive. This is what I mean when I say that you have no template for a normal, functional relationship. You normalised your parents' behaviour because as a child, it was all you knew. As an adult, you know it wasn't healthy, but you're not sure what is.

Come and visit us on the Stately Homes thread too :)

[whiteghosts]

Thank PocketSavior. That's really helpful. I do find it quite emotionally disruptive to even think about all this.

[PolarBearNecessity]

^Has anyone had any experience with growing up not quite able to feel secure in the world or "all right"?

Respectable middle clas family where I wanted for nothing.

• My Dad was very unavailable emotionally, was quite angry and dismissive^
  

I could have written this. And it's not really true that you wanted for nothing. Safety, security and loving attention are really important. Much more so than material things.

[Imbroglio]

I wasn't sure what you meant by emotional incest?