No sex!

[Coppanob]

Hi guys I'm new to this and have never spoken to anyone about this so be kind! Been with my Hubby for 9 yrs married for nearly 3 love him with all my heart and he says he loves me..... But our sex life is absolutely rubbish we haven't had sex for 12 mths and it's driving me insane I've tried to talk to him about it but it always comes out wrong and sounds like I'm having a go and so he just shuts the conversation dead. It's destroying me inside. He's a heavy cannabis smoker which is part of the reason ( l think?) why he can't be bothered. He seems to prefer diy to porn than go near me which I don't think he does often but chooses that over doing anything with me. I'm not hideous I get plenty of attention from other men (which I could careless about). He's not gay I've seen the stuff he's watched and it's all woman. He's has said on the rare occasion that I need to be more sexy! And I need to make the first move. But very difficult wen u don't have any self confidence left and he's got his back tome in bed. I don't want to leave I just want to sort this out. I find it so embarrassing and humiliating!! And makes me so angry. HELP!!

[pocketsaviour]

Do you have children?

How long has this been going on? Presumably there was a time before marriage when sex was regular and satisfying for you both? Has the decrease in sex coincided with an increase in smoking weed?

[Coppanob]

Hi. We do have kids but all from previous relationships my second marriage his first. And all grown up bar one still at home. The frequency has never been fantastic once twice a week. And yes I do think it's got worse with how much he smokes. He knows he needs to give up and has tried but is truly addicted to the stuff. He did get help and started to really cut down and then decided he could do it on his own. Big mistake. He really enjoys it and at the moment has no intention of giving up. He is smoking more than ever. He dosnt like it when I tell him he needs to give up thinks I'm just nagging him or being miserable. I'm a very happy person but this is making me feel very hurt all of the time.

[lavenderhoney]

You can't sort it out on your own though, can you?

He needs to stop smoking weed - which must affect all parts of his life tbh, and you can't do that for him.

He shuts you down when you want to talk about sex, which means he just wants you to put up and shut up.

What are you doing whilst he's smoking and watching porn? Not ironing his shirts and cleaning? Or working?

[Friendlystories]

Weed will make him lazy and unmotivated (I speak as an ex addict myself) so it may well be that, I also think it suppresses your natural feelings including libido. How's your relationship otherwise? Putting the responsibility on you to take the initiative or 'be more sexy' could just be to cover the fact that he can't be bothered because he's stoned or it could be indicative of other issues in your relationship, hard to say without knowing how things are generally between you. Does he work OP? If not and he's smoking all day and being unproductive he could be knackering his own self esteem or even suffering with depression, either as a result of the weed or maybe using weed to self medicate because he's depressed, that one can be a chicken and egg situation tbh. It's really hard to say without knowing the ins and outs of your lives and relationship but, if you haven't already, you need to really examine your relationship and his behaviours if you want to get to the bottom of it. Ideally he needs to stop smoking as it masks so much, it can be done, I'm 2 years clean of a 22 year habit, feel free to PM me if you want to chat about that but be aware he has to want to stop.

[Coppanob]

Yes he does want me to just shut up and ignore it. And no I'm not ironing! He usually as far as I know will watch porn if I'm away for the night which is not often. We both work. He's an overgrown kid really and needs to grow up. All he enjoys now is smoking and playing games. He plays games in bed too in his phone I've asked him loads of times not to but he just ignores my requests! He's a selfish asshole really!!

[Coppanob]

Fern25 u are exactly right. He's got a long standing habit and does work. He does suffer from depression and anxiety which he takes medication for. Our relationship otherwise in all other areas is great we get on and have a laugh together we only argue when I go on about the lack of sex or him playing games on his phone. I do realise it's only him that can give this up and only if he truly wants to. I know he's had a rough past and does this to mask how he feels. I'm just at a loss. I'm going to suggest that maybe we go to couples counselling but he probably won't agree to that.

[Friendlystories]

It's a difficult situation because really your only options are to wait it out in the hope he eventually decides he's had enough of being an addict (and even if he gives up the problem with your sex life may not improve without counselling and/or serious effort on his part because not having sex will have become 'normal') or decide you can't live without sex however good the rest of your relationship is and issue him with an ultimatum, trouble with that is you have to be prepared to see it through. It might be enough to kick him into action and make him sort himself and your sex life out or he might decide it's too hard and call your bluff. I don't see that it can hurt to try talking to him in a non confrontational way, try and explain how hurt and unwanted it makes you feel without it sounding like an accusation and let him know that you're really happy with other aspects of your relationship but that this is really getting you down. By all means suggest counselling but I think you have to really want to do it for it to have a chance of working.

[unicornspooprainbows]

The antidepressants won't be helping his libido either OP.

[Coppanob]

Thanku all especially fern25 u obviously know wot ur talking about and speak a lot of sense. Thanku

[Friendlystories]

I wish I wasn't speaking from experience Coppa, I wasted a lot of years smoking weed, hope your DH gets his wake up call soon and gets clean

[FredaMayor]

Sorry to say, OP, but IME weed habit + porn addiction + AD meds + displacement activities (online gaming) = very little change likely. If OH does nothing the address the sex famine, and I think he won't from how you describe him, this will eat away at you until one of you quits the relationship. It's the most lousy thing to endure, and none of it is your fault, you are just with the wrong person.

[HustleRussell]

On drugs? Yep I would just have an affair.