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My life feels wasted and I'm really struggling today. I've turned into a bitter person, please help me

(10 Posts)
sosad45 Sun 29-Nov-15 12:31:43

I'm 30 in a week and I've been single for the last year (almost to date, ended things with my ex a year ago yesterday).

I have a few very good friends, and quite a few acquaintances and my family are supportive.

I've been dating for months. I've taken all the advice I read on here to be open minded and give people a chance, and don't expect a spark straight away.

I've started thinking about life with my ex (i do NOT want him back, he had issues and it was a horrible relationship towards the end), but i think about our shared home and how cosy and loving it was, the cooked meals together at weekends and lazy sundays watching films, the support when you have an unexpected bil!l! someone to fill the hot water bottle and to get the door or run the bath when you feel poorly. I miss being there for someone, planning a nice evening as a surprise or giving a cuddle when your home from work. laughing with someone over something silly and having a warm bed with someone else in it. i miss ironing the bedding and leaving a fluffy towel on the towel rack all warm for when they get out of the shower.

I have enjoyed being single but i crave a family life so much more. i want to iron my kids bedding and be a mum, and i want to think about landscaping a garden with a significant other, or choose paint for the kitchen. i know that if i have these things i will look back and think 'hey that single life wasnt so bad!' BUT i also know that i will cherish my family so much more, because i would give up all the freedom i have now to have a warm, loving, people filled home.

I miss all these things with my ex so much and i feel i am getting older now and every night that goes by alone, i just wish it was different. i don't want to settle and i havent done, otherwise i would have carried on dating men who were keen to continue seeing me.

I have 2 weddings to go to in January and February and I have started to get intense feelings of jealousy and bitterness which just isnt like me. I feel bitter that i seem to be in the minority, everyone seems to have someone. i know not everyone does, but most people do by 30, and it makes it feel more isolating.

I don't know what i want from this post. i just feel utterly hopeless and alone. when i go into work i'm completely different - positive, dare i say it, funny!, enthusiastic, i go for lunch with my friends. but this internal sadness and fear is mounting every day that goes by.

Chottie Sun 29-Nov-15 12:48:18

I would say that just because you at this place of life at the moment, it does not mean you are there forever.

You sound like you need some fun in life. What do you like doing? whatever it is go and do it. You are so young, not even halfway through life, you have years ahead of you. Don't feel bitter about the forthcoming weddings, be happy for them and share their joy.

AkkerDemik Sun 29-Nov-15 12:50:03

I know this sounds trite, and I'll try to be along later to add some more constructive thoughts, but don't ignore your first sentence "I'm 30 in a week". You may or may not be aware of it, but a significant birthday can have some major emotional impacts.

Boozena Sun 29-Nov-15 12:51:22

OP flowers
Didn't want to read and run but your post made me sad. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and it sounds lonely. I really hope you find someone that you click with and you can share special times with- and even the mundane day to day stuff which is important to me too!
I think it's great that you won't settle either- I've witnessed this and it's almost sadder as I can see the upset that it will cause in the future.
In the meantime all I can suggest is that you take care of yourself and keep your options open. Have you tried taking up a new hobby? The more opportunities to meet someone special the better.
I don't often feel jealousy or bitterness especially for somebodies happy news- the weddings you mentioned- but I have in the past and it's hard to overcome. I find taking a mental but not physical step back helps. Try not to become over involved and do nice things for yourself to take your mind off it. cake and wine usually!

howtorebuild Sun 29-Nov-15 12:57:58

flowers for you.

I can identify with feeling bitter someone ruined my life, it's a horrid feeling to live through, a kind of grief process.

I struggle to understand why you can't be happy for those having a good life. They are taking nothing directly from you, they just want what you want.

You can become content on your own, give yourself a chance.

Terrifiedandregretful Sun 29-Nov-15 12:59:40

Most people I know didn't meet their partner till after 30. I am unusual in my group of friends because dp and I got together at 24, but now at 36 we're the ones splitting up and everyone else who got together when they were older and knew themselves better seem so much more solid. Don't despair. Also so much of what you want eg the house and garden you could do alone, even the children if you wanted.

I too feel bitter and twisted at weddings so I do understand that feeling. Don't beat yourself up about it, it doesn't mean you're not happy for your friends as well.

sosad45 Sun 29-Nov-15 13:09:51

thank you people for your posts, it means a lot.

i feel hopeless today and lonely.

i think a lot of the frustration comes from the fact that exDP destroyed what we had and i spent so lone building a home with him. it feels so unfair. and i know self-pitying wont get me anywhere, i am just having a very low day.

a few close friends from schooldays all got married at 25/26, so that is also a bit isolating, left out sort of feeling which i know on some levels is a bit stupid!

terrified im sorry to hear about your split. i hope you are ok.

TinyMonkey Sun 29-Nov-15 13:23:12

Been there, got the t-shirt. Dumped at 32 by my partner of eight years, just as pretty much everyone we knew was getting married and having babies. I yearned for motherhood.

I let the bitterness and grief in, let it take me to some very dark places, and it took me way longer to begin to feel better. Grieve by all means, but get out there and do the things you couldn't do if you were coupled up with dependants. Time spent dwelling on what could have been is time wasted, and life really is too short.

Your thirties can be amazing if you make the choice, make a list of places you'd like to go, skills you'd like to acquire (I learnt to sail, travelled solo for the first time, and took up knitting again).

I did meet someone else, at 37 after a few hideous years of online dating. By that point I was just about ok with the prospect of remaining partner and childfree indefinitely. At 41, we are still together and have a beautiful daughter. It's not how I would've planned things, but it's all the more precious for it.

TinyMonkey Sun 29-Nov-15 13:24:59

And be kind to yourself.

EternalSunshine820 Sun 29-Nov-15 13:53:35

sosad45 I was in a somewhat similar situation to you on/around 30th birthday. Single, young professional just splitting up with a partner of 4/5 years.. then I made the mistake of throwing myself into a rebound fling and out of that came single parenthood (100% sole custody, zero support and all the work is mine, style single parenthood).. fast forward to age 33 and here I am with a 2 year old.

If I could go back and give myself some advice, OMG there would be so much so say. Above all I'd tell myself that now, right now, you have an opportunity. You are single, free, you can go anywhere and do anything. You can work on your body, your mind, you can meet different people and go on a different date every night of the year until you meet the right guy that treats you well and wants beautiful children with you if that's what you want to do. You can go to events, you can travel. You can work on your career, and save money so that if you get to your mid-late thirties and 'mr right' doesn't materialise, you can buy your own house and have IVF and hopefully be a mother anyway, like a friend of mine did (she's ecstatically happy).

Now, I can't go anywhere without a 2 year old, I haven't been out after tea time in 2 years, the only adult conversations I get to have are about nappies and children's toys, and.. the list goes on. So I'm just saying, you have so much potential right now. Happy Birthday and good luck x

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