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what makes you end up with the same sort of man over and over?

(7 Posts)
makemesmiletoday Thu 26-Nov-15 13:48:38

I was chatting with a friend this morning and we are both late thirties and have both ended up with the same sort of man over and over again.

For her it's people who are "troubled" - they always seem normal but turn out to have big problems (debts, depression, no job, emotional issues) and with me it is always men who can't commit.

My last four relationships have all been very diferrent.

First one was 6 years long with a man who never truly committed to me. of course we got engaged and lived together but the wedding was always getting put off, he never got attached to my family, never put me as his next of kin on paperwork. I never realised until after the relationship was over that he treated me more like a girlfriend than true partner.

Second one was 1 year long and as he travelled for half the time on business it took me forever to realise he had multiple women on the go and was completely full of it. Next came the tears about mother issues and being afraid to commit and how so he was.

Third one was 6 months long. I was very careful this time to not pick one like the others. This one was very diferrent and instead of lot of intensity we just had a nice date once a week. I took it really slow. He phoned every morning and every night and took me to lovely places and was supprotive and thoughtful. Took sex slowly and didn't sleep over. On our very first "sleepover" when we discussed seeing each other more and taking things up a notch he dumped me and then came more tears about mother issues and fear of attachment. This one I am friends with now, and get on like a house on fire.

Fourth one was 7 months long. This time he said from the outset he did not want too serious a relationship due to his work/ kids and just wanted fun and romantic times. As soon as we got quite close about 4 months in, he started to sabotage intimacy and became distant. Next came the fear of intimacy and now he is alone, wants me back, but still can't offer "the full thing" and I think he is going to be messed up for years.

All four of these men had a bad broken heart once and just never got over it or able to fully connect with another person openly. Apart from man 2, they were nice men, that I am still friends with, but just could not hold down a relationship with me or anyone else.

I was just wondering, as a decade of my life passes me by....what is it that draws me to the same man over nd over and over? It seems like no matter what "type" I got for...all of them end up the same underneath?

If this something about me?

Translator1000 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:02:08

I don't know makesme but I have been wondering this too.

In my case dh is my only relationship (!) so I can 't comment about past relationships. After almost 20 years together he is not physically or verbally affectionate so it's not really a relationship any more IMO.

I have recently been vaguely (and from a distance) attracted to someone but am wondering why really as he exhibits a similar type of arrogance and "I know better on all subjects" ness as dh. Have been wondering why the hell I would even idly daydream about someone who more than likely would talk down to me rather than actually to me as a person confused.

Do these things stem from childhood and never get sorted unless we get therapy, hence our endlessly playing out the same scenarios in order to deal with our ishoos?

mum2mum99 Thu 26-Nov-15 14:15:45

You seem to have a bit of a pattern, unavailable men in some way! We learn through our parents modelling relationships. What were your parents like?

makemesmiletoday Thu 26-Nov-15 14:32:15

Mum and Dad are still married but highly dysfunctional. Dad can be quite cold, volatile, unkind at times. Mum is a bit narcissistic. They hate each other a lot of the time but deep down don't.

If if helps. Before man 1 I had fantastic relationships with two great men who were very available and loving!

Since man 1 it's all I attract no matter how hard I try

makemesmiletoday Thu 26-Nov-15 14:33:42

Important to say also all four of these men act completely different but have the same underlying problem. If you met them they could not be more varied!!

ricketytickety Thu 26-Nov-15 14:38:40

your friend sounds like a caretaker - someone who likes to fix people (which is impossible because only they can fix themselves). She might have grown up looking after her parent in some way (illness/mental health issue)

You sound like you don't really know what a good man is and this probably came from your models of relationships in childhood. You need to write down a list of 5 things you want in a man and stick to it. If you want him to be committed but he is a player and has had lots of gf's, then pass him by. If you want a man who looks after himself but he lives with his parents/wants to move in straight away with you then say goodbye.

makemesmiletoday Thu 26-Nov-15 15:09:33

Thanks Rickety. I am a bit baffled because the one thing I most go for is someone reliable, consistent, honest. No emotional messes. No crazy exes. No womaniser. It's do strange that I can't seem to see wood for trees!!!

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