very early miscarriage - don't know whether to tell ex?

[hazzie56]

had an early miscarriage, only around 4 weeks. split up from September and had one night together since. baby was definitely his. hes been a bit of pig since and has ignored me and said we can't be friends, even though he said we could at first, i feel a bit weird keeping this to myself but i don't know if it would look like some mad attempt to get him back if i told him. i feel paranoid!

i feel weird not telling him, not sure why. don't know what to do.

any suggestions?

[PurpleDaisies]

Sorry for your loss.

Did he know you were pregnant? I don't think you need to tell him unless you particularly want to. Maybe it would help for you to talk through your feelings with someone (a close friend, a GP or a counsellor) and work out what to do for the best.

[Cabrinha]

I'm sorry to hear about the miscarriage

I would find a proper friend to talk to about it. He won't care, which will hurt you. Also - I'm sorry to say this, he may not believe you. I had a friend who was on and off with a girl. Three times they split and three times in the weeks after they split she discovered she was pregnant when she miscarried. He'll just think you want to manipulate him into talking to you.

Don't tell him, don't see him (he's not your friend) and don't sleep with him again.

[CMOTDibbler]

If you tell no one else, and can trust yourself that you'll never throw it in his face, then I can see not telling him.

But if you have told anyone else, then you need to tell him so he hears it from you - these things have a nasty habit of circling back.

[Joysmum]

You do what's best for you. If telling him is just going to lead to you being even upset because he'll be his usual horrible self then what would you get from telling him, other than more heartache.

[KinkyAfro]

Sorry for your loss

I agree with Cabrinha, he'll see it as an attempt to make contact. You've been split since September, are you hoping to get back together?

[hazzie56]

It was him who ended it and i have and still wanted to get back together. one moment he is fine and talking to me like normal, the next he says he cannot talk to me and we cannot be friends. i need to accept this so i think he will see me telling him this as a way to try and get him back? i haven't told anybody else about it yet.

they say everything happens for a reason :(

[PurpleDaisies]

I think you're right-he will see this as you trying to get back with him. It sounds like getting back in contact with him won't help you to move on, so take some time to get your head together, let the dust settle and then think about whether he to know. Look after yourself first.

[Snowglobe18]

I am sorry for your loss. I don't think that I would tell him.

[Daisychain5]

Do you mean 4 weeks or 8 weeks pregnant? You are officially 4 weeks by the time of your first missed period....I wouldn't bother telling him. As others have said, he won't be interested and won't care (by the sound of it), so you will only hurt yourself more. I'm not really sure why you feel the need to tell him, if it's not an attempt to get him back.

[hazzie56]

4 weeks pregnant, maybe 5 x

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Don't tell him. Lick your wounds, confide in a friend and for goodness sake stop shagging him.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I'm also not trying to be a bitch, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks (period 1 week late) and I was disappointed but he may not see it as a miscarriage even. In the days before sensitive early pregnancy tests it would have been a late period. I'm just trying to say this probably won't mean much to him at all especially as presumably you weren't trying.

[MummyC92]

I partially agree with Obsidian, it was very early so it is unlikely your ex will feel the same grief as you. Although it feels like he should know, it won't make much difference and if you don't get an ideal reaction from him it will likely make you feel worse, confide in a friend or family member and take care of yourself.

[goddessofsmallthings]

"i don't know if it would look like some mad attempt to get him back if i told him"

From his point of view that's exactly what it would look like as, at such an early stage and in the absence of any medical proof to the contrary, all that can be said is that you had a late period.

I hope you'll take steps to ensure you won't find yourself in this situation again as becoming pregnant by a man who doesn't want to know you will not give any dc you may have the best start in life.

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

The fact is that he probably wouldnt care and that would hurt you all over again.

As far as he is concerned you are not longer together, the miscarriage ended the pregnancy so there is nothing between you.

He very likely wont be sympathetic, wont give you comfort and support and may well accuse you a lying to try and get him back.

He is not a nice man and you are better off without him. I know its hard to see that now but the fact that he dumped you, then raised your hopes by using you for sex and them cut you off with barely a word does not show him in a very good light.

Take some time to heal, both from the end of your relationship and the end of the pregnancy. Be kind to yourself and stay away from him, he will only make you feel worse.

[Jessymessy]

I just found out i was pregnant a week ago when i went for my sonogram was told i was 5 weeks and 2 days last monday went for my dr apt found out i lost it what should i do should i tell my boyfriend which he never knew abt cuz i was waitimg on valentines day to tell him or just keep it a secret forever

[Rhian1999]

So a long story but here goes...

I’ve had an on/off relationship with my ex boyfriend for the past 3 years. We met at 17 and have been together (pretty much) since. It’s been rocky and toxic and jealous for most of the relationship. He’d constantly accuse me of cheating or lying without reason. I have had significant mental health issues over the last year, I’ve been hospitalised after numerous suicide attempts. I was studying midwifery but had to defer due to my illness, I’ll be returning shortly. I broke up with my now ex boyfriend just after Xmas, as I’d been unhappy for a while but he’d been quite abusive at times. I’d been on a night out with friends and when I came home we ended up arguing, I was annoying him when we got him- being the drunk annoying mess I am, and he ended up filming me annoying him whilst naked without me knowing. And he also ended up losing his shit with me and threw a little book at my head which cut my scalp. I didn’t break up with him then but asked for space. After we broke up I was seemingly okay, thinking that it was the right thing.

Just over 2 weeks after we split up I ended up having a natural miscarriage even though I hadn’t realised I was pregnant. I didn’t tell my ex as even though I missed him like hell I couldn’t say to him as it would have looked like I wanna had another motive. I reached out to him as I was feeling low and he told me to leave him alone. I ended up telling him in a big rant and he called me a liar. He said he didn’t believe me, and so the conversation ended quite badly with me saying that i was telling the truth but in no way did it change the situation we were in.

I’ve had a shit few weeks with everything. My MH, my uni stress, I’ve basically had to fight to get back onto my course and been delayed another 6 months due to admin errors and then with the breakup and miscarriage. It’s just shit, I haven’t told anyone apart from my work friend and my ex about it as I’m not really willing to discuss it.

I’ve had bleeding since it happened, and I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative. I am on the coil. I also haven’t seen any medical professionals because I’ve been burying my head in the sand. I’ve worked in the early pregnancy clinic as a student midwife and so I know that if your going through a natural miscarriage then there’s nothing the hospital can do. If I have any symptoms of retained products I’ll call the hospital.

Idk what to do, I’m feeling low and want him more than anything. But at the same time we can’t be together. I just need to speak to someone that isn’t a friend or family. I just need some reassurance I guess and any advice would be appreciated.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Move on from him. Don’t go back.