Hello, I've changed my username to ask for your advice. So sorry for long post for any advice would be very much appreciated. I am a mum of four, the three eldest have left home and the youngest is 13. My husband has always been fairly verbally volatile and his flare ups aren't as often as they used to be but they still happen. He stopped being physically violent ten years ago but he is still verbally very horrible when he is angry.
I daren't ever challenge him on anything as he just loses his temper and shouts and screams for an hour or two. For example, he has been a house husband for 13 years while I work full time, only getting a part time manual labouring job with a friend recently (casual basis.) While he does clean a bit in the week if he is at home all day and not doing any work, he expects me to deep clean all weekend (bathroom, kitchen, hoover, clothes, etc) and cook when I come home during the week and do all the shopping. If he ever does 'cook' (oven chips) he expects to be thanked and made a big fuss of and his 'cleaning' is very light - washing cups from night before. If I ask him to do more or do some DIY, he simply screams at me and calls me ungrateful. I end up doing all DIY or it doesn't get done. He says that all I ever do is bring him down, which isn't true. I hardly ever dare mention what he hasn't done and end up praising him for any minor thing he does.
On top of that, he gets moody and just acts like he hates me some months. He will mutter under his breath about me if I say leave a cup on the kitchen side or kick off if he say has to let the dog out of the back door, saying he is 'going to stab it' if it wants it one more time and that it's 'my f**in dog'. I hate having my child listening to this. It doesn't just happen when he is in a bad mood. That is all the time actually. everything he says is littered with foul language.
Last night I did say to him while I was cooking dinner and trying to talk on phone to my dd after her own bf had dumped her that he was selfish for not dealing with something that happened while I was doing this. Our son needed a lift but as I was too busy I had forgotten. My son would not ask his father for a lift as he would have gone mad at him and instead walked two miles in the freezing cold and rain when my husband knew. I felt so upset that I said he was selfish. I probably shouldn't have but that sent him into overdrive, saying I was a b*tch, etc., and that he was 'sick of my mouth', pointing at me aggressively and saying 'come and say it closer to my face you coward.' He told me to pack my bags and get out of the house. He then started screaming that I'd threatened him with a knife (I was chopping chicken in the kitchen) for benefit of listeners. I obviously hadn't done this but he makes things up. My son (eldest) was listening now having arrived in the middle of the row and so was 13 year old. They just looked sad as they have heard it all before but in a strange way they never comfort me when he has gone to our room in his temper (slamming doors and swearing at me.) In fact they both treated me as if I'd done something wrong after - not talking to me etc.
I have learned to just get on with things quietly and that he will eventually calm down. He eventually did and I slept in spare room. we have not spoken today. However, I think I have finally come to the end of my patience. I really hate him but don't want to show it as it will ruin the kids Xmas and I don't have anywhere to go. The kids all have tiny accommodation and I won't be able to see them all tgether if I go. Plus my 13 yr old and I are very close. I can't leave her.
The other thing is that I have a full time professional job and if people knew what I was going through I'd be so embarrassed. I earn quite a bit, but because he has not worked all this time we ran up a lot of debt and most of my wages go on that. He knows I won't leave kids and that I'm terrified of work finding out about him. I know they wouldn't be very understanding about having time off to sort it.
I've paid for everything all these years but he says he wants the house and me out when we row. He has kept all the money he has earned (for Xmas but makes me beg for it if I do spend anything on kids) so he could actually use that to get a flat and move out.
What should I do? Is it me? Should I just take it until daughter is 16 and then leave? Don't know if I can do this though. But where do I start otherwise? So confused. He is not rational at all so it's no good saying talk to him.
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Advice please - I haven't a clue what to do
Vinci74 · 24/11/2015 17:48
but in a strange way they never comfort me when he has gone to our room in his temper
Why do you expect your dc to comfort you, and why are you surprised that they don't when they have spent the whole of their young lives watching you kowtow to their violent and verbally abusive lazy twunt of a father? Has it occurred to you that they may be terrified of attracting his wrath if they appear to be sympathetic to you?
I have a full time professional job It never ceases to amaze and depress me when otherwise intelligent and competent women are willing to demean and degrade themselves in relationships which are grossly dysfunctional. I don't have a problem with that being their choice, but I do have an issue when that choice is inflicted on dc who have no choice but to live in psychologically damaging environments.
I really am ridiculous It is ridiculous that anyone should contemplate living in the conditions you've described for a moment longer than necessary but, if it is your serious intention to end the nightmare that is your current home life, I will do whatever I can to assist you to.
That said, let's start with the marital home. How long have you lived in it? Is it rented or mortgaged and in whose name(s)? You say that he's been 'a house husband' for the past 13 years. Was this an agreement you reached when your 13yo dd was born and, if so, who cared for your older dc while you worked or were you a SAHM during their younger years? Did he care for dd full time when she was an infant and does he/did he do the school runs etc?
What input does he now have regarding 13yo dd's care? If this is minimal to non-existent, when did he cease attending to her needs? If he was working full time or you were living alone with her, how would she fare after school and during the holidays?
How old are your other dc and are any of them financially dependent on contributions from you, i.e. if they're at university or in further education?
With regard to the debts you've mentioned, whose name(s) are they in and would it be fair to say they've been racked up in part or in whole because your income has been insufficient to sustain a family of 2 adults and 4 dc?
During those years that he was physically abusive towards you did you at any time report him to the police? Were any injuries he may have inflicted on you treated by health professionals such as your GP and what, in your opinion, made him stop being violent?
I'm terrified of work finding out about him Is this because you feel your professional judgement may be called into question if any of your colleagues should discover the truth about your dysfunctional marriage and home life? Or is that you would feel embarrassed if the crap you've put up with became publicly known?
If you should need time off work to attend solicitors etc, is there any reason why you can't take this as annual leave rather than pulling a sickie or inventing hospital/doctor's appointments?
I hope you can appreciate that I'm not unsympathetic to your plight, but it will take a lot of straight talking and clear thinking to get him out of your home and you are going to need to grow a backbone and be willing to bite the bullet in order to belatedly give your dc the life they so desperately need and deserve.
I am very sorry for your loss. A greatly loved relative died in my arms and in my home and, many years later, I doubt that I will ever fully come to terms with losing them.
Courage Vinci you just need to take a small step towards freedom, then another one and another one. It all seems insurmountable from where you are standing now.
Six years ago I was in a position not too far from yours. I was unhappily married to a bully but as a pillar of the community I couldn't bear to admit the mess I was in. When I did leave him I was absolutely overwhelmed by the kindness I received from everybody. It was the talk of the town for a week then it all blew over.
Here we all are several years on and it has all settled down. Everybody accepted the new normal and I continue to work in a job I love with people who respect me. If it helps you, they all say I am much more approachable and easy to talk to now than when I was playing the role of perfect wife. And I am happy and settled and enjoying a whole new life 
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