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Why doesn't he like me? I don't want him as Godfather(101 Posts)
DH and i have been together for 10 happy years. DH has two BFFs from his childhood. Lets call them Man1 and Man2.
Man1 is a friend of mine. He actually fixed DH and i up on a blind date and we have been together ever since. Man2 is the problem.
When DH and i met, Man2 was in the Marines and so we didn't see much of him. He then left the Marines and so was around much more and i had the chance to get to know him as we all lived in London. But this has never gone well. He is i think a nice guy, quite alpha male. But for some reason he has never warmed to me. I always feel very uncomfortable around him. This is his doing, i try to chat but he never wants to interract with me. He never talks about his job for privacy reasons (specialist Police) so i can never say "hey how was work". He has very outdoorsey hobbies like rock climbing and sky diving which i know nothing about so i have always found it hard to strike up a conversation about that, but i do always try. He doesn't have a problem chatting up women, i have witnessed this on nights out. So he can talk but for some reason he doesn't like me and won't make the effort to talk to me other than very very basic conversation.
We now live abroad and Man2 has visited us over the years. I have always made an effort; lovely fresh bedding and flowers in the spare room, i cook nice home cooked meals, bake fresh bread and cakes etc etc, i think i do a good job as a hostess. He is polite when he is here but if for some reason he and i are alone, like when DH is at work and his flight back home is a couple of hours later, i always feel uncomfortable and our conversation is minimal and uncomfortable.
I have spoken to DH about this and he says he doesn't know why he is like this and it isn't something i have done. I always let Man2 and DH do their manly things together; they go off skiing, nights out etc. I am not the kind of wife to keep DH on a short lease. So i don't know why he has a problem with me. DH doesn't have an answer other than that Man2 is very alpha male and perhaps thinks we don't have a lot in common. He is right but Man1 is also very alpha and i have no problem talking to him, he is friendly and pleasant.
We made Man1 Godfather of DC1 and DC2 is due to be baptised soon. DH wants Man2 to be Godfather. For all the reasons mentioned, i do not. DH really wants Man2 to be godfather, as DH, Man1 and Man2 are BFFs for forever etc etc. DH knows why i have my reservations but still wants to go ahead. We will see Man2 at Christmas, it will be the first time we have seen him in almost a year. After 10 years of feeling uncomfortable around him i have had enough. I want to know what his problem is i just don't know how to do it.
Do you think Man2 will be a good God Parent and actually encourage your dc in their faith? That is really the criteria for being a God Parent...
Ask him? Perhaps a "Can I just ask, have I ever offended you or something because I kind of get the vibe you have an issue with me?"
If he is civil, pleasant enough and not snidey with you then I would guess you are just different people with not much in common. It doesn't mean he has a problem with you.
Could you have 2 Godfathers. 1 your choice and 1 your DH's (Man2).
I too would say you need to just ask him, plainly.
"Man2, DH really wants you to be Godfather, I would to, as you are his BF. But we obviously need to clear the air between us before that can happen - I couldn't leave my son's future to a man who isn't comfortable with me, as you clearly are not. So, what is wrong? Have I offended you somehow?"
If he blanks you, fobs you of just repeat, if you want to be godfather you need to talk to me...
And tell your DH the same thing. No mother would be comfortable making such an arrangement with someone who doesn't like her.
Man2 is a Christian. Infact out of all three guys, he has the strongest faith, i think that is perhaps due to his time in the armed forces. So i can't call his faith into question.
Why would your DH think it alright to ask him when he knows the history - I wouldn't want him either.
He's been pretty awful to you by all accounts, giving you the pleasure of one word answers when you are baking and putting flowers in his room - stop being so nice, it hasn't changed his attitude so just don't do it and don't agree to him being godfather, I think our DH needs a wake up call also.
Yes he is always civil. He has never been mean or said anything inappropriate. He just has no problem with long silences and pretending i am not there.
I think i have to have it out with him but i think christmas may not be the right time. I thought about sending him an email.
I don't think he has a problem with you at all. You've just got nothing in common.
There is nothing wrong with pleasant but distant. He has never been rude to you? So that means he doesn't have a problem as you would know by him making it obvious.
Unless he secretly fancies you and can't bear it like Lincolns character in Love Actually
Erm God Parents don't decide your dc future they are not their legal guardians it's all about support the dc in their faith.
Well you could use this as something to talk to man2 about - would he like to be a God Parent to dc2, does he feel that he'd want to build a relationship with him etc.? Could open the doorway to having some proper chats with him before he is actually asked IYSWIM.
I don't see what the problem is.
You say he is polite and not rude to you but that you just don't have anything in common other than DH.
He is bff with DH but that doesn't mean he has to be bff with you.
I doubt very much that he dislikes you but if you weren't married to his BF then he wouldn't spend time with you nor you him. You have different interests and that's ok.
If he would make a good god parent because of his beliefs and moral code plus actually likes your children then why does it matter if you and him have nothing more than polite conversation?
He is great with DC1, much more so than Man1, the actual Godfather. That is DH's rational.
He seems to get on well with Man1's girlfriend. They have only been together for 2 years, she is not that different to me. So it just massively bugs me what his problem is and i feel like insisting no Godfather partly to punish him. I know it is petty.
This is ridiculous, sorry!
If this man were making snide remarks, or rolling his eyes, or being disrespectful, then you would have a case.
But you just don't have a lot in common, and I don't think that you can always like who your friends choose as their life partner, I don't like at least one of my friends' husbands, although I am always polite and try to show an interest in them (even though I don't like them so much).
I think emailing him to say 'what's your problem' is completely out of order, and if my husband emailed my best friend in this manner it would cause serious problems.
I think the only sane thing to do is to not invest too much yourself when he comes to stay, so don'[t run around being the perfect hostess, he doesn't get on that well with you, leave him to your husband and just pop up to be polite at the beginning and the end.
As for being a godparent, he actually sounds like he would do a good job, so is there any way you can choose one of your friends as the other godparent?
If he is a christian and a good friend to DH then being godparent seems fine, unless the intention would also be for him to (separately from the godparent thing) be nominated as guardian should you and DH both die or something.
I disagree with PPs who say you're being oversensitive: he has clearly been rude and dismissive towards you and makes you uncomfortable.
What's with your "I don't keep DH on a short leash" and "manly activities" comments? Bit of internalised sexism there? Like you feel pressure to be cool with your DH doing things with this man who makes it clear he doesn't wish to be friends with you.
I wouldn't be putting much effort in if he visits again, just do what you normally would, not flowers, baking etc.
YABU. Just talk to him. Maybe he is just a bit awkward for whatever reason and you probably come across as reserved now too as you feel like you do.
Eek sorry this isn't AIBU!!! I do still think you should talk to him though. He can't dislike you as nothing has occurred between you to induce that, so he just must feel uncomfortable like you do. I really don't think you can cause such a rift as would happen if he wasn't made GF, it would be awful for DH and their friendship.
I'm kind of on the fence with this one. I agree with the others who say that if he has never been rude to you and is polite then why make a big deal out of it? He doesn't have to be your best bud just because he is with your DH.
But on the other hand...if you're both sitting in the same room alone and you are attempting to make conversation, why can't he at least try? In that situation it would be clear to me that you wanted to chat...and if I was the guest I would pitch in. But that's just the type of person I am...I like talking, meeting new people - I don't necessarily have to have things in common with that person to carry a conversation. So I get how you feel.
But honestly...I don't think this is worth turning into a big deal. As nice as it would be if he chose to engage with you in that way - I don't think he will and pointing out that this bothers you might just make it even more awkward than it has been. I don't think it will make you feel any better if he then starts trying to talk with you because he feels like he 'has to.'
If you genuinely think he has a problem with you because of this - then you should ask him if this is the case. If you think this is just the way he is but you're just not comfortable with the silences then I don't think there's much you can do except let it go and don't worry about it.
I thought maybe he just wasn't used to a lot of female company unless they were his family or his own girlfriend, but then he gets on well with Man1's girlfriend.
I think you need to have it out with him. I don't think I'd be sorting out nice accommodation for someone who couldn't even have a conversation with me.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
What i mean by i don't keep DH on a short leash is that DH and Man2 will go off skiing for a weekend together or sky diving and i am happy for him to go. We both have our interests outside of our marriage and it works well for us. But i have a friend who will often comment on that and say things like "DH skiing for a weekend, not without me there too" etc. i don' intrude on Man2's precious time alone with DH, so he can't not like me for that.
I like the guy though, i find him interesting and would like to get along with him. He had lead an interesting life. And it bothers me that he just doesn't give a fuck about me or try to be nice. Anyway, thanks for your perspectives
Is there any way this guy's interested in you? Sounds mad, I know.
If he is a strong christian he may be very uncomfortable when he is with women unchaperoned. it's stupid, but it is also something that many churches teach unfortunately (the idea that if you are a man alone with woman, you ARE going to end up tripping on something and landing cock first into their fanjo, so minimise your time alone with anyone you're not married to or related to by blood).
i'd put money on it being that.
you can't get along with everyone. let him be who he is, he sounds awkward and strange and that's not your fault, but at the same time you can't take it personally iyswim.
Not everyone knows how to interact with everyone.
I know people I feel uncomfortable around. I have no idea why.
I am polite and pleasant but uncomfortable. I don't mean to be it just happens.
This man is a Christian, a serious Christian. He is good with the kids, a good person and a good friend to your dh.
I think you should let him be godfather. Not everyone will be your best friend. He isn't rude to you, or nasty or even dislikes you by all account.
I also know people who are great at chatting up people. However don't really know how to be around someone who is attached to a friend.
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