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WWYD- Immigration- Useless father- Moving on- stop contact?

(17 Posts)
inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 18:10:33

This is going to be a long one, so I'm just going to go on ahead.

I have a 6 year old DD with her dad. We were together for about 4 years but broke up as I couldn't take his abusive ways.

When DD was around three, I was sick of the little amount of money he would bring to DD's up-bringing and this was the period that the first signs of abuse was happening. It was then that he admitted to me that he came to the UK on a family visa (I think) for 6 months when he was 10. But actually over stayed in the UK for 14 years. Due to this issue, he has not been able to get hold of a job, the reason why he has been sleeping at friends houses to and fro.

To cut long story short, DD's dad was becoming very very abusive around that period and I cut off the relationship. Quickly after that, DD's dad was put into an immigration centre, I would have the Home office writing me constant letters, to which I simply ignored as far as I was concerned I didn't want anything to do with him. When DD was around over 4, he was let out of the deportation centre and apparently his immigration had all been sorted out. Shortly after his release, the dad contacted social services to arrange supervised contact with DD (I insisted he should do this). This was all arranged and I was impressed that DD's dad was making an effort to see her, he showed up on time, he was never late and never missed his supervised contact days with her. On the last day of contact, the social worker told DD's dad how impress she was of him and they decided to that he could see DD unsupervised. I agreed with this also. The social worker oddly told him that she will tell immigration about the contact with DD. But I let this go.

For the first few months, he was really good, he was picking up DD on time from my house, giving me money, more involved. But after those months, the contact became irregular. He wasn't showing up on the days he was suppose to show up, he stopped giving me money. I will hear excuses "oh, his stress about not having a job yet", " His busy with work so will see DD when he can". The abusive ways started to show again, he would insult me on the phone, put me emotionally down. I tried to involve him into all aspects of DD's life, like parents evening, school pick ups, but he was too lazy, wouldn't pick up DD from school that he promised he would. When he calls me, often it's nothing to do about DD. It would be the women troubles his having, how his stress with life etc.

DD is now six, and he is still like this. I don't know what to do, apart of me wants to block all contact from him and DD. Block his number and just move on, though some people are telling me not to block him, but just to wait till he gets very un interested. Also, when I was visiting DD's dad family a couple pf months back, they asked me that immigration will most likely contact me early next year to see how his contact with DD is like, since his visa is expiring next June and he needs to renew it. I asked why was this? and they told me that the reason why DD's dad got his leave to remain visa was because he told immigration that he was seeing DD regularly and wanted to stay in the country because of her.

I was fuming, how dare he use his daughter to get stay in the country and he wasn't seeing DD regular like he proclaimed he was.

I don't know what to do anymore.

mum2mum99 Sun 15-Nov-15 18:28:47

Not sure if I would support my DD seeing an abusive father. Sounds like you have been used and so has your DD. Stop running around after him. He is not worth the effort. I know somewhere in your heart you want DD to have a father. What kind of a father is he?

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 18:36:09

He is a useless father mum2mum. Do you suggest I block him from all contact. Including blocking him from my phone, so DD and I could move on.

Alanna1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:12:32

Well... It is good for children to have contact with their parents. Even ones that are a bit useless. Can someone help you in RL talk through what your DD's best interests really are here? It may be that waving a stick at your ex is in fact in your DDs best interests. Hard to know.

In relation to your ex. He probably got a period of time - usually 2.5 years of what is called "discretionary leave" on the basis of his family life, including with your daughter. The policies have tightened since then and he may well get a sharp shock anyway. The idea, which I think is pretty sensible, is that people who get to stay here on the basis of auch relationships have to regularly re-prove to the home office that they are necessary for the child.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:19:32

Yes Alanna your right. I think it is "discretionary leave*. What do you mean by "..regularly re prove to the home office that they are necessary for the child?".

A huge amount of people are telling him to block him out of DD's life, lose all contact with him and to never speak to him.

LIZS Sun 15-Nov-15 19:21:45

If he wants to see dd tell him to arrange it through a contact centre. That way a 3rd party is involved and can confirm whether he bothers, or not. Presumably his name is on birth certificate and he has pr.

BrandNewAndImproved Sun 15-Nov-15 19:23:25

You basically played right into his hands by refusing to let him see her or bring her to the centre. The judge has granted him a court order and tada he can't be deported.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:26:15

He will bother Liz cause he knows it will be recorded and will use it as further evidence to show immigration. That's what he done last time.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:29:29

confused Brand I have NEVER refused him to see DD and the reason why I didn't bring her to the centre was because he recently physically abused me and my social worker at the time advised that DD and I should not have any contact with him whatsoever. Unless he arranges supervised contact, which is why I told DD's dad this. I don;t want him to be deported, but I don't want him to use DD as of means to stay in the country.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:52:46

Sounds to me like the only reason he got back in contact with your DD was to ensure he could stay in the UK rather than wanting to be part of her life.

My Ex-P also has an ongoing immigration case ( different to your ex) and in order to stay on the basis of having a family I had to write a statement describing what sort of father he was/how often he saw DS/how him leaving the UK would affect DS etc. If he asks you for one just tell it like it is - his contact is sporadic and he is uninterested when you try and discuss DD.

The one thing I was recently advised of by a solicitor is that of he has an ongoing case re:contact ( say if you were to stop contact and he goes to family court ) then the HO will not deport him until its resolved, so if he is detained again he will more than likely go down this route.

Just remain firm, be honest about him being useless and maybe do what LIZS said and make him go through a 3rd party for contact so they can let the HO know if he bothers with your DD.

mum2mum99 Sun 15-Nov-15 21:45:56

'he recently physically abused me and my social worker at the time advised that DD and I should not have any contact with him whatsoever.'

I can't see that this is going to benefit your daughter in any way. Not sure how the system works but the most I would agree to would be supervised contact and nothing else. What does DD say about her dad?

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:04:05

Hi mum2mum What do you mean by ^ I can't see that this is going to benefit your daughter in any way^.

I doubt they would offer another supervised contact due to funding , unless another incident of DV happening.

Haffdonga Sun 15-Nov-15 22:15:20

I think the only thing you can/should do is tell the truth if asked. So, continue to allow him only supervised access as advised and make a note if he turns up (or not). Then if he is deported it is his own fault. if he's not deported it's due to his own efforts.

Don't block all contact as he will then be able to blame you for the lack of contact but make sure he can only contact you in a non abusive or recordable way. e.g. through a third party or only via email not phone.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:22:58

Thanks Haffdonga, I have blocked him from my phone number, but told him that he should contact me via email, as he would be very abusive towards me on the phone.

He doesn't have supervised contact now, the social worker granted that he can now have unsupervised contact. So every three weeks, he would pick up DD from my house and take her out. Though he has not done this since September.

mum2mum99 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:40:26

inthechocolatefactory1 my concerns were whether your daughter was witnessing the abusive incidents or not.

inthechocolatefactory1 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:46:51

mum Unfortunately she has in the past.

mum2mum99 Sun 15-Nov-15 22:54:29

inthechocolatefactory1 it seems he may just loose interest in your DD. Emails are a great and can be used as evidence if he chooses to be abusive towards you. Best of luck flowers

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