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There is nothing I can say to her is there?

5 replies

Stampynono · 13/11/2015 15:21

My dsis is with a dick of a partner.

She has been with him roughly 4 yrs. She has two Dd's from a previous relationship that was also horrific!

Dick has cheated on her numerous times, he will only admit to what he has been directly caught out on, so for example he was caught with messages on his phone meeting a younger girl and is adamant they didn't have sex and only kissed ect ect, despite inviting girl to their house when my dsis was away.

They have split a few times and she had a good few months without him but ended up back with him, she says she finds it difficult to manage paying the bills without him, not that he contributes fairly but he does pay in some money.

So even though he has been caught cheating he still will not allow her access to his phone and is still off out most weekends. Last weeks she found a meal reservation on his email when he apparently had plans to go to a works leaving do. She confronted him about this and he said he was planning to take his mum [anger]

It's just so hard to be around her, I want to shake her and tell her how much better she can do. She has had some awful things happen in the past 6 yrs and has had a shitty childhood too and she needs some happiness.

Can I say anything to make her see? Do I just ignore it and continue to have to hear about how bad he treats her (she will only talk about this once every few months when every comes out, usually she is evasive)

OP posts:

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poorbuthappy · 13/11/2015 15:25

I don't think there is. Your role is to pick up the pieces.

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hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2015 15:47

I've so been here except with my DSis it was abuse.
And my DSis did NOT have a shitty childhood at all.
She did eventually come round and my ExH and I got her out of the awful situation. She moved in with us until she was back on her feet.

Can you suggest she move in with you and you help her out with bills etc..?

Could you also suggest she contact Womens Aid and do the Freedom Programme. Highly unlikely but worth a shot.

I just had to wait until she was ready to face it and leave. It was so hard to watch and I wanted to shake her and tell what a feckin' idiot she was being but I knew it would make no difference until she could see it for herself.

I often just told her all the GOOD things about my own relationship so she could compare and see how shitty her situation was in the end. That's what did it.

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Lozza1990 · 13/11/2015 15:49

I don't think there is! All you can do is be there for her when it falls apart, I would suggest trying to get through to her when that day comes. Suggest some counselling and maybe even go with her.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 13/11/2015 16:14

You can't make her see, no.

But you can keep asking her open questions in the hopes that this will trigger something for her. It's easier to listen to the truth when it pops out of your own mouth rather than someone else's, iyswim.

So you could ask her things like:

"How does it make you feel when he does x?"
"What would it take for you to have had enough?"
"Why do you think that x is ok?"
etc.

And if you can manage to balance the fine line between stating your disapproval and keeping the lines of communication open, feel free to tell her that you think she deserves better, but that you are there for her whatever she chooses.