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DP and EA with OW - renewed contact

(155 Posts)
onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 19:20:59

Have NC as regular poster. Would really appreciate some simplistic and objective advice. I will try and keep this brief.

- DP had an EA a year ago or so which lasted a few short months before they fell out and he went NC with OW.
- OW bumped into DP a few weeks ago.
- She initiated contact via text to which he responded and they exchanged text dialogue. Maybe 10 or so text messages. She sent the last text, he hasn't responded.

My personal opinion is that he should not have responded at all to her text. DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped.

Am I right to be livid?

bigbumbrunette Wed 11-Nov-15 19:24:36

Yes, every right and for me would be the final nail. I'm sorry.

Dollius01 Wed 11-Nov-15 19:25:18

Er, yes, of course you are right to be livid. He didn't want to be rude??? What about how "rude" he is being to you by conversing with this woman??

AuntieStella Wed 11-Nov-15 19:29:08

Is he making excuses because he knows it was wrong, but is trying to minimise?

For the only correct response, in receiving a text from an OW, is not to think of being polite to her, but to put you first; for example by saying 'she's texted me. Do you want to see what she said? Shall I just delete it, or would you like to help me compose unmistakable ways to tell her to fuck off?'

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 19:36:13

I'd be interested in more info, onemore. Though in a simplistic sense, of course you are perfectly right to be cross and to be hurt. But it's not clear whether he came to you with the texts and told you all about it, or whether you discovered this and confronted him. that's really defining and important.

I also would be interested to know how the original affair was discovered and also what 'they fell out' means. It sounds almost like they are the primary relationship and only through their own arguing did it end, and that you are basically peripheral. If this dynamic has continued, then I'm not surprised you feel angry. do you feel everything was addressed to your satisfaction at the discovery of the affair? Or is stuff still under the carpet?

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 19:51:55

Thank you for all the responses.

He doesn't know it, but I have the password to his work phone so I can read his work texts. He did not volunteer this information, I found out myself.

The original affair was discovered as he was acting odd. Became a little distant and I felt like he was planning something. I confronted him and he admitted it. By the time I confronted him, he had already fallen out with the OW as she was making demands on him to leave me, which he didn't want to do.

ivykaty44 Wed 11-Nov-15 19:57:16

There is something wrong if he is responding to ow after this long NC so you can either stay and work out what is wrong - that's if he will be honest with you, or emotionally detach and work out how to finish your relationship.

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 19:59:24

Onemore, I'm sure that you don't want to look at all this, that's probably why you wanted only simplistic responses to begin with. But I think that's also because deep down you know there is a lot that's unresolved here.

You say "DP is saying he was just being polite, hence responded to a few, and then stopped." so you must have confronted him, if that's true? Or I wonder if you haven't actually confronted him, and are asking us to see if it is 'worth' giving away your secret?

you don't need me to tell you this isn't healthy or resolved. I think you know that deep down.

I am afraid I would ask you for more details on this discovery period because it isn't clear to me how you know any of this about the affair except what he told you which, statistically, is more likely to be untrue than true.

I also think it's highly unlikely that any woman would make demands on a man to leave his wife after an emotional affair of a few months. (Not entirely impossible, don't get me wrong, but again, generally and statistically, very unlikely).

I think there is a lot here that has never been addressed and that you and him were probably relieved to return to some sort of 'normality' without the full truth ever being uncovered. This is extremely common. But I think the fact that you check his messages and there is ongoing contact, however polite, shows that there is a problem here. And you may need to actually get everything out of the box again because otherwise your life is going to be this.

Here for you if you need it.

Homely1 Wed 11-Nov-15 20:00:03

Yes you can be livid. And should c

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 20:09:29

I won't deny, I am distraught. Confused. Lost.

We are not married, he is my DP.

I know more than he thinks I know due to having access to his password without him knowing. What he admitted to is less than what I am 99% sure happened during the EA period.

There was some physical contact during the EA, but no sex.

I don't understand why he had to respond to her text. Why didn't he just ignore it? Am sure he thought I would never find out, but why respond? Why would he respond?

NewLife4Me Wed 11-Nov-15 20:20:15

I'm finding it hard to understand why she would contact him when they fell out because she asked him to leave.
Usually people move on and certainly don't start texting after being given their marching orders.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, but it isn't adding up.
I also can't see how she would have asked him to leave you after a few months.
He's lying somewhere.

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 20:21:34

Onemore, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Of course you are distraught and you will be extremely upset. I bet you didn't deserve any of this. Step by step, of course he DIDn'T have to respond to her. He did so because he didn't think you'd ever know. And it's possible he was 'only being polite' etc etc. But this is bigger than that I'm afraid.

Whether there was sex or 'some physical contact' (and I am guessing you know these things as facts from secret text reading. If not I would sincerely question them) is really not the point. The point is the difference between what you have been told and what you know to be true. What 'base' they reached is really not relevant.

You are and have been for a long time feeling the need to check up on your partner and things are not okay. This has never been adequately resolved. And you're stuck in a pattern of dishonestly checking up on him, and he is dishonestly lying about those infidelitous events. Relationships are complicated but they're not THIS complicated.

if you want real help here it's going to get a bit messy cos you're going to need to tell more. There are many reasons he might have responded to her. I once checked up on an ex who had been unfaithful and he replied to an email from the OW, with kindness but total clarity. That made me actually feel much better. That's the man I wanted to be with, someone who was totally clear that he didn't want to see her or be in touch with her, because he had decided to be with me. But he was compassionate about saying so. That's actually the kind of man I wanted him to be. It's possible he cares about her and was trying to be kind. Which isn't a sin. But he put her needs before yours or his own before yours. I'm guessing there was some arrangement of NC between you.

Look, you know as well I do, checking up on his work messages is no way to live the rest of your life. I think the original affair is possibly in need of reclarification. You know what he said to you is a lie. And you have chosen to put up with that in exchange for monitoring him and still staying with him. It feels like power but it's a cage you're building yourself.

How is the rest of your relationship? And I'm still not clear what happened around your discovery of this affair. I think there's a lot of pushing under the rug going on, all over the place. And though that's short-term easier, it's never going to resolve until that's stopped.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 11-Nov-15 20:25:07

He responded because he was toying with the idea of taking up with her again of course. He likes her.

You say they "fell out" before you discovered the affair. Do you mean she dumped him because he wouldn't leave you for her? Or he dumped her because he realised he was making a big mistake?

What was the tone of the recent texts? Making up with each other?

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 20:40:29

From what I can see, the messages are friendly, nothing sinister or underlying. Just generic how are you type messages.

She sent the text as it appears they bumped into each other randomly after over a year of not seeing each other.

She 100% asked him to leave. But only after he said he would leave.

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 20:43:07

Oh, onemore. That must hurt a lot.

Why didn't he leave then?

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 21:16:19

I know I can't live my life like this. I gave him one chance. I didn't expect this.

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 21:18:06

I will never know why he didn't leave. From the messages it appears he wasn't ready to go. At the time, I convinced myself he chose me over her. That she was nothing.

But seeing the friendly nature of these new messages, I can't help but feel he genuinely feels something for her. He could have ignored her.

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 21:18:49

Let me put it this way. What do you know for an absolute fact about the affair? Because I would suggest that everything else may be a lie. And if you quietly know that, it makes total sense that you would be paranoid and suspicious to the point of checking up on him.

it's so clear from your posts that you are in pain and hiding. 'Simplistic' responses are what you want, 'A few short months...' etc. There's a lot of 'don't lift up the rug!' going on. That's totally your choice and understandable.

But okay,so, objectively, it is totally fine to stay with someone after an infidelity. It's even okay to choose to stay with someone after an infidelity which has been lied about. but if you then are checking their platonic communication and they are in touch with the former lover you can be hurt but hardly be surprised. That would seem to me, to be par for the course of a lie agreed upon.

It is almost like you are LOOKING for evidence to confront him, but need it to be ENOUGH. It's painfully reactive. But does it maybe cover a private wish to be active? What about what you want? What about how you have been treated? Why are so frightened of what HE is doing or thinking? Are YOU even happy in this relationship? Or is it a distraction from thinking about that?

Cos it feels like you are going to go away from this deciding to keep your powder dry, that it's not worth it, and you'd rather stick to the lie agreed upon, his affair and your checking, unless you discover something that's 'enough'.

You already have been wronged and you don't trust your partner. Do you know why he had this affair? Do you really understand the extent of it? You need to address the stuff truthfully and properly with him that has made you feel that way, rather than wait crouched, virtually, for him to act in a way that 'allows' you to confront him. You are trapped by your own covert spying which is the only thing you are holding onto as your power and sanity, but really it's going to trap you and drive you insane.

But I know all that is harder to face than trying to second guess him. It's you who is disempowered. You who are clenching every time you log in. You who are fixated on his life without thinking properly about your own. You who carries all the stress and burden of the affair and the lies of that now. You don't need our permission to be angry with him for responding to her. You need to work out how YOU feel about him now in a wider sense, and act on that. You can do it.

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 21:45:32

Absolute definite's re EA affair are;

- went on for 4 months
- kissing involved
- he asked to be with her in a relationship, she declined
- some time later, she asked him to leave me, he declined at which point he went NC

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 21:56:43

Okay, onemore, this is going to be a bit brutal but I think maybe it's important.

I would expect there was more than kissing involved is people were talking about leaving relationships and this spanned four months. Also, even if there was just kissing involved, that's not an 'EA', by definition. It was physical and romantic.

Questions
Why would you want to be in a relationship with him?

How have you convinced yourself that she was nothing when he outright propositioned her and she rejected him? Surely his subsequent rejection of her would have been more about that than you, logically?

I take it you confronted him without letting him know you could read all his messages? What terms were agreed upon afterwards? Why did you allow him to get away with lying to you? to protect your 'cover'? You know you're worth more than that, right?

How did he end things with her and did you see all of that?

How old are you?

onemorechance Wed 11-Nov-15 22:20:09

Definitely no sex, confirmed kissing, but I imagine a lot of touching to go alongside the kissing.

I have invested a lot into the relationship. I really do love him.

I think/hope he propositioned her in a moment of madness. At least I tell myself that to remain sane. I know he wanted her. Not sure what happened to make him change his mind.

When I confronted him initially he admitted everything I knew other than him asking her to be in a relationship, and his subsequent rejection and communicated reasoning behind rejecting her.

It ended when she asked him to leave me. He went NC after a feeble attempt at being platonic. He simply ignored her messages and avoided her in person.

I am 50.

Daisychain5 Wed 11-Nov-15 22:33:49

She wouldn't have asked him to leave you if they'd never even had sex. Sorry, but I just don't believe that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 11-Nov-15 22:50:22

I remember your thread.

You've built your house on someone else's sand. It's easier to forgive his affair if you tell yourself that it was a moment of madness, that she didn't mean anything, that he chose you. But his behaviour makes it crystal clear that they are untrue, so you're just waiting for the deceit to be uncovered.

It almost makes it worse if she means nothing - then he'd risk it all for nothing. Regardless of whether she means anything or not, the draw of her means more to him than you do. He didn't reply to be polite, he'd previously ignored her. He replied because he's tempted.

Don't let the sunk costs fallacy keep you in this relationship. It isn't working and you know that, really. You can't hide it. You can either take it apart yourself, or you can wait for it all to fall down, but there's no happy ending.

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 22:54:10

Ah okay, thank you. Yes of course I believe you about the sex.

I think it's way more important is that he propositioned her to be with her. That's not a moment of madness. Even if it was, it's enough passion or madness to be extremely meaningful. This isn't something you can shove down for sanity. It's a huge betrayal and the fact she refused him is only incidental. After that, it's likely any fantasy had been shattered and trust and ego with it so it would have been harder for him to leave.

I think it is a good sign that he admitted when confronted, even if he was not totally honest. Many men deny, almost all minimise.

I think you need to talk to him and find out what this was really about. It's possible he was very close to her personally or that he was going through a really lost, crisisy stage in life. Neither of those things will have just disappeared, and it's possible you will have felt similarly. You really need to build intimacy here to get to the bottom of what's going on. And I think you should do it with an open mind to what the outcome might be. I feel like you are operating from a place of fear and hurt about being left alone and don't want to face up to some of the size of this, which is understandable. But you are vulnerable here, even if you do nothing. So you may as well do something.

I would even go so far as to say you should consider telling him you have read his emails. I know this is difficult and that you probably won't but I feel like unless all this comes out in the open, it is never going to go away. You have roughly plastered over it so far and it's still running elements of your life and relationship. You are going to be trapped in spying and lying forever.

I would also suggest counselling where someone will stop you and your partner hiding and repressing which it sounds like you both find it easy to do.

BloodontheTracks Wed 11-Nov-15 23:06:28

Right, okay. Thankyou for background. Yes, Op, sorry but this doesn't look good. He told another woman he didn't love you. I think you need to accept he's not in it for the long term. I think he's using you as a rock until he meets someone he feels is better for him. I'm sorry.

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