disappointed, don't know if IABU

[wolfganghochart]

I’ve been disappointed by something today and I’m trying to work out if I am being rational or not. I will explain our set up and then I ‘ll explain how I feel today has made it worse.

DH and I have traditionally delineated duties at home. I take care of the DC (1 and 3) and do most of the housework and DH works and takes care of the finances. I used to work full time and sometimes still do work freelance around the DCs when I get a chance, but that is rare. The reason I take care of the DCs is because DH is completely against using childcare. He says that he does not like the idea of other people taking care of our children. That we had them to be with them, not to pass them off to someone else. As DH earned more than me, he was the one to stay at work, and I was the one to stay at home.

We currently live in a really urban area which is quite rough and very polluted. The DC can’t play outside and we are not in a good catchment area for schools and nurseries. I have no friends who are close by, and I know no other mothers. I am desperate to move away to a more rural area with a good community. We found a house six months ago that is perfect for us and DH agreed to us living there, however today was the day we were supposed to pay the first month’s rent and deposit and DH has changed his mind and pulled out.

He presented it as a necessaity and something I had no part in the decision of, because it is not my area. He says that I do not know our finances and the ten year plan he has set up for us (this includes various investments which he is waiting to come to fruition.) When I caused a fuss and made him go through the maths with me, he was right, it didn’t add up. But the only reason it didn’t add up is because we do not have the liquidity to pay rent for this new (slightly more expensive) house because DH has made investment decisions to tie our money up elsewhere. But I just feel so disappointed for thinking for so long that we were going to move and the realization that we are now stuck here feels very claustrophobic to me. I am extremely unhappy here.

DH said he let me believe we could move there for so long because he felt pressured by me to move there. And that I had emotionally blackmailed him by asking him repeatedly about it until he felt he had to give in. Although he didn't really give in - he just led me to believe that we would rent it and then pulled out. I had told everyone we were moving and everything.

I am feeling a sense of claustrophobia creep over me and I don’t know what it is. I feel like time is slipping away, the longer I take off work, the less likely it is I can get a job again – or at least the same job. I literally have no time considering my two DC who are so little, to do anything other than clear up after them, feed them, play with them, put them to bed. Meanwhile I feel like decisions are being made for me that I have no control over.

Things have been put into place now that I cannot change. I can’t remove this money from these investments to afford rent in a better place. DH seems to be all about the destination rather than the journey and he is focusing on some far away future goal where we are paying for the DC to go to great secondary schools and both have a good retirement. But I am 30 and I want a decent quality of life, where the DC can play outside and I can meet friends and I can work again at some point.

DH says that this will happen, but not yet. It is always “not yet.” If I say I want it to happen now, he tells me that I am all about “instant graitification.” But I want it to happen while I am young and capable of doing these things. Not when I am 50. Who IBU here? What is the issue? I can’t even put my finger on it I am so confused.

[springydaffs]

I think he is controlling you. He's the big guy who makes all the decisions and he has effectively got you a prisoner. You're the little woman who does all the drudge - he makes sure of that by refusing to pay for childcare. You are entirely dependent on him financially.

To pull out of this rental is a major headfuck. To lie to you all along then right at the last minute pull out is just....horrific. Then to blame you (for your own torture!) is beyond the pale. He sounds like bad news.

He's doing a number on you imo. Your immense confusion is, I think, an indicator that you are being controlled.

[beelover]

I am appalled at the way he is treating you. Totally controlling everything and lying about it too. I don't think I could ever trust him again. I would think long and hard about a future with someone who totally disregards your feelings like this.

[goddessofsmallthings]

DH said he let me believe we could move there for so long because he felt pressured by me to move there. And that I had emotionally blackmailed him by asking him repeatedly about it until he felt he had to give in. Although he didn't really give in - he just led me to believe that we would rent it and then pulled out. I had told everyone we were moving and everything.

This is the behaviour of a controlling and callous prick. Waiting until the day the deposit and first month's rent was due to be paid on the house you found six months ago to tell you it was not going to happen is no less than deliberate cruelty.

Were you consulted before he tied your disposable income up to the extent that you can't move for 10 years? What happens if you're given notice to quit on the property you are currently renting?

As for him saying that "he does not like the idea of other people taking care of our children. That we had them to be with them, not to pass them off to someone else" how much time does he spend with the dc? Is he a hands-on father who does baths/bedtime and takes them out and about or otherwise entertains them at weekends so that you have a break from being hands-on with them every weekday?

[CarpetDiem]

He's a control freak. You need to ease yourself out of his control, start by finding a local playgroup/ mothers n toddlers that you can take DC to. If it's a rough area they should have a sure start centre, if not phone your HV and ask.
Take a little bit of control of your own life back & then the rest will come.

[Wtfmummy]

I think your DH is being U. He is not including you in very significant and important aspects of your life so it's no wonder you feel claustrophobic! There has to be compromise and discussion in a relationship - you guys need to sit down and talk. I can't understand why you can't move it you are renting, you aren't tied into a mortgage etc so it'd be easier and may be cheaper to go from city to country.

How old are your DC? Surely when they get to preschool age and start to receive their government free hours (currently 15 at 3 I believe for working families) you can get more freedom and time back?

It really sounds bonkers that your DH is keeping important things away from you, I would be mightily pissed off.

Sending you

[Isetan]

Clearly delineated roles my arse, you're good for looking after the children and the domestic front and are not to worry your pretty little head STFU about anything else.

The uneasy feeling your feeling, is the realisation that you've sleepwalked into a 1950's set up and are in a dependent relationship, as opposed to a partnership.

The bullshit about him being pressured is genius because it makes you feel bad, whilst distracting you from his dishonesty.

The power you've surrendered to this man can be reclaimed but don't expect him to relinquish it easily.

[OkFuckityBye]

Oh dear it sounds like he's got you right where he wants you doesn't it? Stuck at home with two young children all day long, no access to money, no support network and absolutely no help. You are completely under his control and he calls the shots.

Has he always been like this? What was he like before DC came along? Did you have a good career you were happy with? What was he like with money, generous or tight? Has he ever treated you truly as an equal?

I'm sorry to say OP it sounds like he is treating you like a domestic appliance. Dangling the rental house 'carrot' in front of you and yanking it away at the last minute is the worst kind of cruelty. He kept you hanging on a thread of anticipation for 6 MONTHS and sabotaged your dream of happiness at the very last minute. Utter, utter bastard.

I couldn't live with someone who behaved this way towards me. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Wait until the DC start school (if you haven't gone nuts with boredom and isolation) he'll find some other dumbshit excuse as to why you shouldn't go out to work or he'll manipulate you into amalgamating your salary into his fucking '10 year investment plan' and you'll still be treated the way you are.

Men like him don't change.

LTB

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Run far away. Take your kids, find a good nursery and get a job. Rent yourself a little house in a nice area and claim child support from him and see how you blossom. Your husband is an awful controlling individual.

[category12]

Go back to work. (And then you will probably find you will have to ltb.) But currently he has all the power and he is abusing it.

[wannabestressfree]

I read your post and became more and more horrified..... YOU ring today about the house. Put things in place for you and your children. How dare he? You can do this and get your life back....

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

It's far too easy and far too common for people on MN to tell women that their partners are controlling.

In this case they'd be bang on. He's treating you like one of the children. I can see his point that he wants to work and save towards a better future, that's very laudible, but his plans for financial security cannot and should not trump your happiness and wellbeing now. You are not asking for the moon on a stick, just to be able to enjoy day to day life with your children in an environment that doesn't oppress and depress you and the children. If can't see that then he's an arse.

I am disgusted that he allowed you to believe you were moving then withdrew without consultation, that is an appalling thing to do.

First thing you need to do is insist on being more involved with the finances. Don't allow him to make decisions about money behind your back and keep an eye on incomings and outgoings so he can't gaslight you over money. If you are able to liquidate any of these investments without losing too much then insist on it, at least partially to enable you to move.

Do you think you could go back to work, at least part time and earn an amount of money that would be worthwhile after childcare? If so then do it, and don't give in to pressure from him. He doesn't get to make all the decisions, tell him if he's uncomfortable with childcare he's welcome to give up work and do it himself.

Put any money you earn in a separate account and save towards moving yourself. And if he continues treating you like a slightly dim child then at least you'll have some money of your own if you need to leave him.

[greenfolder]

So, now you have written all of that down and read it, what do you think op?

[TaintForTheLikesOfWe]

He lied to you - sod that!

[Walkacrossthesand]

Partnership in the SAHM role relies totally on the goodness and fairness of the breadwinner. By reneging on your agreement to move, he has forfeited any expectation that you can remain financially dependent on him, because you now know you can't trust him.
YANBU - if he felt 'pressured' into agreeing to move, it sounds like you feel 'pressured' into being a SAHM, so you can throw his own argument right back at him if he doesn't like you looking for work.

[CPtart]

I would confront him. Tell him you are not happy in the relationship and with his behaviour, and if you split because of his actions and attitudes, his Investments will be straight down the pan with 3.5 days of 24hr DC responsibility to manage (without using paid childcare!)

[AnyFucker]

This is why women should only be SAHM's when their partners are fair, transparent and reasonable people.

OP, go back to work. Everything else will fall into place.

[Joysmum]

Bloody hell.

I'm a SAHM and whilst I understand and agree with clearly delineated roles, there is a big difference between that and having equal rights and responsibilities in the partnership.

Your opinions don't matter to him and you are very vulnerable because you don't know how your life is being run for you. That's frightening, I'd never put myself in that position as a SAHM.

[wolfganghochart]

Thank you for your replies
They are making me feel very panicky.
I am writing him a letter with all the things I need from now on. That includes childcare, checking with me about every financial decision, a joint bank account.
I just know that he will use some of my boundaries here to accuse me of other things. Eg insisting I want childcare leads him to accuse me of not loving the DC enough. Wanting a joint bank account leads him to accuse me of wanting to take all the money and leave him. Wanting this house made him accuse me of wanting to show off or emotionally blackmailing him.
This apparently high moral stance he has about taking care of our lingterm future is always a stick he can beat me with, because anything I say that I want or need now gets subjugated by it.

[sylviassecrets]

Every single time he says those things turn them on their head, HE works so maybe he doesn't love the dc enough, He controls the money so maybe he doesn't trust you or want to stay with you etc etc. do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed. Also in reality I second everyone who says leave. I did and I never regretted it. I had no money, no job and no support but i survived and am so much happier.

[Joysmum]

Fucking hell, the more I read the more I think you're in an abussive relationship

Could somebody link to one of those online quizzes for the OP please?

OP your marriage isn't an equal partnership and I think you're the victim of a controlling and manipulative man.

I'm glad we were able to have the choice for me to stay at home but I'd have never told DH he didn't live our daughter enough for choosing to remain in a demanding career.

[MorrisZapp]

Was it always the plan that he'd work and you'd stay home? Did you agree to this before?

[DoreenLethal]

insisting I want childcare leads him to accuse me of not loving the DC enough. > but dear you go to work and yet you love your kids, don't you?

Wanting a joint bank account leads him to accuse me of wanting to take all the money and leave him.> But you aren't wanting to have all the money and leave me, or are you?

Wanting this house made him accuse me of wanting to show off or emotionally blackmailing him. > But you lied to me about the house so I can't trust that you have our best interests at heart.

As far as I can see, he had his chance to 'run' the house finances but he is abusing the situation. He is not going to relinquish control so will probably have a hissy fit now you are wanting changes. He will talk you round. You will probably have to leave in order to get a say in your own future.

[ravenmum]

"Instant gratification" because you can't wait ten years to live somewhere with a playground (i.e. until the children no longer want one)? That's not a high moral stance, it's nonsense.

"insisting I want childcare leads him to accuse me of not loving the DC enough. Wanting a joint bank account leads him to accuse me of wanting to take all the money and leave him. Wanting this house made him accuse me of wanting to show off or emotionally blackmailing him."

He's painting a picture of you as a complete bitch. Does someone with high morals do that?

[madmotherof2]

I honestly don't know what to say, apart from that he sounds like a total bastard.

[Penfold007]

OP you've had some excellent advice on this thread, please take heed. Your H is happy to use childcare but the unpaid sort - you. I would start an escape fund and hide it safely away your going to need it.
He is controlling, financially and emotionally abusive. He has also done an excellent job of isolation you bet you don't have much contact with your own family.

Start trying to expand the freelance work and get pain into your own account.