Husband Popped out and didn't come back

[Justdisappointed]

I received a call several hours later to say he'd left me and needed time away. We have a 5 year old DD who is bewildered. He says he's going to return and "sleep" in the family home next week "while we decide what to do with it" this was by text and nothing since last week. I don't think there's an OW. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to lose my home. Do men ever come to their senses and return to the marriage?
Neither of us has been happy for months in fairness.

[donajimena]

You might want to ask for this to be moved to relationships

[TooSassy]

Yup. Ask to move thread (or start a new one) in relationships

[ouryve]

Definitely need to be moved to relationships.

In what ways have neither of you been happy?

[StealthPolarBear]

What a coward
When did this happen?
Presumably he's assuming that you'll care for dd, does this cause any problems?

[ladybird69]

been there done that got the tshirt. he was texting me about coming home fixing our family, I love you kiss kiss you're my soulmate my rock...........
with his second hidden phone he was promising her to move into marital home once he could 'fuck' my mind up enough to get rid of me stay strong and look after yourself.

[StealthPolarBear]

Are you there op?

[Justdisappointed]

Hi yes I am here - this was last week. I imagine that yes, he's assuming I;ll care for DD, I'm not a SAHM so this does cause problems yes, the stress has been intense this week. Happy to move this to relationships but not sure how as this is my first post. I put it here because knowing my DH's intransigence I imagine this is where it needs to be. I think DH imagines that we'll sell the home, take a 50/50 equity split and I will somehow provide a home for DD. We live in London and to stay in this area we'd end up in a 1 bedroom flat with what I could afford. I was brought up by a single mum and although she did a fantastic job I just didn't want that for my own DD and it breaks my heart. Ouryve we argue a lot - he disappears off to the pub and comes back aggressive, I nag and complain constantly, so not a good place really.

[Squeegle]

Oh dear. It sounds like he has taken the cowards way out, but also sounds like you would be happy to split despite not wanting to be a single mum. My XP was a drinker, always off to the pub and argumentative when he came back. I'm really much better without him, and hopefully you will be too.
First step is to understand your rights with a solicitor? Then at least you know what you have to consider. Sorry you are going through this.

[Morganly]

Yes, definitely see a solicitor because if you are going to be the primary carer you'll get more than 50-50 of the house equity.

[Justdisappointed]

Hi Morganly - can you explain a bit more how that might work? He does have an extremely good pension and I was wondering if that could be offset against the property if it comes to that? I've got the name of a solicitor but have held off contacting him until I hear what DH has to say

[Chippednailvarnish]

Lawyer up asap and dig in for a fight, he's clearly only interested in himself.

-Take out half of any money in any joint bank accounts.
-Document everything.

Even if the split is temporary you will sleep better at night being prepared.

[wickedwaterwitch]

Definitely get a lawyer, protect your assets and make sure you documnet pay, savings, etc. Good luck.

[MidnightVelvetthe4th]

Sorry to hear this OP.

If he's decided he wants a divorce then there's not much you can do although I have to say you don't sound very happy in this relationship either. Where is he staying now? Are you sure there's no other woman involved who has given him some sort of ultimatum? Sorry to speculate but it sounds to me as if there is someone else/ he has been unhappy for ages & things have come to a head/he is having some mental health difficulties. Men in happy marriages do not behave like this! No matter what his reasons though the outcome is the same & I'm fucking outraged that he is dictating what will happen to your & your DD's lives now!

OK detach from him, get angry if you want. It sounds as though he has decided what will happen & assumes that you have to go along with it. You most certainly do not! Get yourself a solicitor or an appt with the CAB & see what the options are around your joint assets & your home. If you know what can happen then you are in control. Get a bank account in your name only. Look into any benefits you are eligible for, cancel the joint tax credits claim & begin a new sole parent one in the next couple of weeks.

He has brought the world crashing down around your ears & affected your life & his daughter's life in a major way & he cannot waltz back & dictate what happens next! Tell your DD that he is away on business or something, you need to deal with this yourself before you can explain it to her & she's young enough to not really cotton on yet so you have some time.

In your heart, are you sure you want this relationship to continue? Remember that in time you will find somebody else so you may not be a single parent until DD's adult life...just take a breath & stop & ask yourself if he were to come back now & declare he was wrong, would you want him back? Are you happy being with him? Take back some control & be assertive!

(I've asked MNHQ to move this to Relationships)

[StealthPolarBear]

Are you at work at the moment or are you signed off?

[Justdisappointed]

I am working, more or less full time, and I've been through all our household expenses and can afford to run things on my own, without maintenance from him but not if I have to pay his share of the equity. We have a joint account but my salary goes into my own. I have started to wonder if things would be better without him - if he does want to make a go of things then we would have to have some type of counselling I imagine. I have told DD he is away working but she's aware there's something going on and has had several really angry outbursts this week which is not really like her.

[Justdisappointed]

Not saying finances wouldn't be extremely tight though - good job I don't feel like eating at the moment!

[juneau]

Do you need to stay in that area? I realise your DD is probably at school nearby, but if you moved to another area you'd probably be able to afford a 2-3 bed house for the price of a 1-bed flat in London.

I agree that your DH sounds like a coward. Definitely get legal advice immediately - knowledge is power.

[Justdisappointed]

I've thought of that but I can't see how I could commute to work in London and do all the drop offs and pick ups etc. This is where my life and friends are as well as my DD;s so we'd both be ripped out of our lives.

[fastdaytears]

I really wouldn't wait until you hear from him to see the lawyer. Don't leave it in his court- why should he be in control when he's done this? You need to start protecting yourself and your DD.

[Llareggub]

I agree with the earlier advice to see a lawyer. From a practical point of view, when I was in your situation I found it helpful to make a list of the things I needed to do and tackle them one by one. It was too much to do it all in one go.

If you have a close friend, confide in that person. My friend was a really rock and I could not have done it without her.

I'm on my own with two primary aged boys and I work full time in a job with regional travel. Somehow I make it work and still get the boys to swimming lessons and things. I just needed an employer that was willing to be as flexible as I needed but I very open about my circumstances and what I need to get my job done.

I didn't want to be a lone parent but three years on I think we are all happier. Certainly more stable without the unhappiness of living with someone that wasn't right for me.

Good luck, and keep posting. Mumsnet was also a great source of support for me.

[IonaMumsnet]

Hi there OP. Sorry to hear about all this, but pleased to see you're already getting some really useful advice here. There's no problem at all with moving this over to Relationships. You'll likely get even more help and support over there. We'll move it over in just a moment.

[jackanora]

Sorry to hear this OP. My partner of many years did this to me. Also only sent me a text message to tell me. Unlike your situation we had been very happy (as far as I knew!) and actually planning our wedding excitedly, so it was a big shock and I wanted to come in here and tell you I know how it feels for someone to behave so appalingly.

I think the very important message here is this:

There are, say for example, steps to divorce or separation from a serious relationsionship or marriage where you share a home and family.

The first of those might be notifying your partner you are unhappy
Second might be to think of solutions
Third might be to work at it a bit
Fourth might be to seek outside help
Fifth might be to discuss mutually that there is no hope
Sixth might be to spend some time back and forth
Seventh might be to have "the talk" when one or both or you decided it;s time to give up
Eigth might be to decide how best to do that, work out practicalities and the kids
Ningth might be to bite the bullet and separate
Tenth might be to start selling the house / splitting assets and sorting the nitty gritty
Eleventh might be getting to the point where your lives are now separate and you are no longer an "us".

In a "normal" divorce most of these steps have generally taken many, many months if not years to get to and there is time for both parties to adjust. Even if you don't want the divorce..at least you KNOW..at least you get the stages and at least your partner acts like the marriage has some value.

In my case my partner skipped all 12 steps and went right for the finish line. I literally had no clue he was unhappy - he said the opposite. In your case he went through the first one and maybe the second and skipped all the rest.

So what i am saying is that you've been deprived of due process. It's therefore a shock. A trauma. I KNOW how you feel..I have been there with DS asking me where Daddy was and me not knowing what the fuck to say because I thought it was a joke.

What is really key here is to understand that regardless of motive, of whether he has someone else, of whether he comes back or not....you have to understand how monumentally cowardly, selfish and fucked in the head it is to skip those steps. Chances are he has probably been through 5 or 6 of them and his own and has given himself a chance to take it in but not you.

Translate that to the very real reality that your DH, no matter how great he once was, might well have ceased to give a shit about you. I can't tell you if he will come back or why he has done this but I can tell you it's abnormal and indicative that he has decided to take a rout where your self protection will be paramount.

Chances are he will now turn on you. Become financially difficult. Devalue you to make himself appear the victim. Probably lie to family and friends because he is a coward and will be scared of being thought badly of. Probably use DD against you. Try and make you feel crazy.

these are are the things the man I loved most in the world did to me, and I sit here years later still unable to believe WTAF happenned or how or why he did that to me.

The fact was, the moment he missed those 12 steps he showed me who he was and how he was going to handle things when the going got tough.

I took him back three times, and my the end of it was suferring from PTSD. I can't stress eough what a wonderful partner / father he was before this.

Yes, some men do come back and people reconcile. HE might only be gone 2 - 3 weeks. Whatever the case is though....you need to do what I failed to do and realise the behavior is a symptom of something else and get into a position where you look after yourself and at least temporarily protect yourself from him.

I have another thread on here tonight aout difficulties with my new partner, which all stemmed from the living hell my "sweet" and "loving" xDP put me through when he randomly decided to fuck off. It's hell on earth...please stay here and talk to people because situation like this make you forget what is normal and what is not.

[Morganly]

Sorry to be so long coming back to your question. If your child is living with you most of the time then it would be normal for you to get more of the equity in the house so that you can house her properly. This doesn't mean that you would necessarily be able to stay in your current home as the non resident parent is entitled to some of the equity too in order to put a deposit down or pay rent on a smaller property for themselves and visits from the child. But you would get a higher percentage of the equity because the needs of the child come first. You may well be entitled to a share of the pension too. All this is up for negotiation and you will have to go to mediation if you divorce so it would all be thrashed out then. But as several PP have said, you need to get legal advice before you start negotiations or mediation so that you know what is reasonable to ask for/settle for even if you then do all negotiations yourself rather than pay ongoing legal costs.

[Cassawooff]

Great post jackanora
Sorry you are going through this just
I didn't get the 12 steps jackanora mentions above either, and it's a shock. Look after your DD and yourself.

There may be someone else involved. My H swore no-one else was involved and I believed him despite many people on MN saying there would be. In fact I was quite annoyed, thinking I knew my H better than posters did. But I found out a year later that they were right and I was wrong. I'm sorry that probably doesn't help, and actually doesn't change much, as if they want to go, they want to go, but although you feel devastated see if you can take steps to protect yourself as suggested above. Thinking of you.

[jackanora]

Thanks Cassa, I think when we are in shock of any sort we lose the ability to think clearly and see facts for facts. We wonder why we are feeling so bewildered and it's honestly the case that in these shock departures ir sudden, viscious divorces or where people depart marriages or relationship due to an affair that we have ultimately been deprived of the natural and healthy steps that can and should be expected to terminate a mental, emotional, financial atachment of the biggest magnitude we will experience in our lifetimes.

Try and imagine the shock of a parent disappearing, or a best friend even in this way and you can see more objectively that it causes a trauma response during which you lose sight of the ability to see anything objectively, to look after yourself or to even properly feel angry at your attacker.

Sadly this plays into their hands perfectly. While you are so busy staring at the wall trying to figure out which way is up or down, they have spent time planning, they are busy hatching plots to make themselves look like the victim and they are busy telling themselves in their own head that what they have done is understandable (because people need to justify themselves).

It's really key to remember proportional response.

You say your DH and you have been fighting for a while and things have not ben good. Fine. Marriages are tough and it might be yours is over, BUT, the point is whether you nag or not - his response is innapropriate. Unless you are physicall abusing he has done wrong by abandoning. There ight be reaosns he wanted to go, but there was 10 other options he could have taken that would have been more mature, caring or responsible.

As an example of what I mean, if DD spilled a drink and you broke her arm as a punishment; you could say the arm breaking is a reponse to her spilling the drink and how careless she always is and how angry this makes you - but although DD has been part of the problem, the response is not appropriate. It is more appropriate to give her a time out or make her use a sucky cup or sit at the table.

What I am saying is you can't behave appalingly and then try and act like it was someone else's fault. Your arguments with DH are not the cause of him bugerring off with a text message.

The real cause of that is his own selfishness.