Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Messy situation with exdp

(33 Posts)
Canigetanythingright Thu 05-Nov-15 22:21:26

I need help as I don't have a clue what to do anymore.
I broke up with exdp a couple of years ago as he was cheating on me he is now living with the ow.
he's not the greatest dad infact far from it he always puts others and going out drinking with friends than spending time with them. We have no formal access in place he usually comes to see them at mine and when I ask if he can have them it turns into ww3 like they are an inconvenience to him and his new life.
Atm the dcs are really feeling it especially eldest ds who keeps saying he has no family because his daddy doesn't live with him as much as I try and reassure him that he has a family it's hard for him to understand.

We are constantly fighting and when we're not we are sleeping together which I know is wrong and I need to stop as its not only hurting me bit making it hard for me to move on because o do still care about him.
He now wants the ow in the kids lives but I am reluctant as I feel he doesn't want to see them unless she is involved and o didn't have children to hand them over to someone else.
He is coming round tomorrow to I suppose finally sort out arrangements for the dcs as we have had yet another row and I don't know what to say or do got the best anymore.

Please help.

summerwinterton Fri 06-Nov-15 00:12:49

stop letting him over the threshold and stop sleeping with him. And rowing in front of the kids - stop that too. You need to formalise contact and maintenance asap.

DrMorbius Fri 06-Nov-15 07:42:14

He was cheating on me
He's not the greatest dad infact far from it he always puts others and going out drinking with friends than spending time with them
When I ask if he can have them it turns into ww3 like they are an inconvenience to him and his new life
We are constantly fighting and when we're not we are sleeping together

You need to sit down and take a long cold hard look at yourself. Your selfworth, your dignity, your future. You must have read enough threads on here previously to know what you should do.

The very least is to stop being his booty call, you have become the OW. Thats how far you have sunk. That is a choice you have made. Now you have to take control of your life.

Write down what you want to happen and then either discuss it with him and/or give him the letter. Access to DC's by appointment, no appointment no access. Be strong on this point your exdp has to learn you are not at his beck and call (as you are now). Access to DC's not at your house. Handover outside your house (not inside).

Its terribly sad that your exdp is not a good Father, but you can not make him a good Father. You can not make a "happy nuclear family" on your own. Stop trying and make the best of what you control.

You always have the threat of telling his partner you are the OW if he kicks off (as he almost certainly will if you challenge his authority)

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 08:20:47

dr you really don't have to tell me how much self respect I've lost, I know I've let myself and my dcs down by sleeping with him.
I have struggled for so long with my feelings towards him that it's hard to le

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 08:24:57

Posted too soon..
Let go as I don't have a lot of friends or family around I do rely on him and feel as though he isn't doing what I need him to do so its holding me back.
I don't go out anymore because I have to no babysitter only him or his dm who always complains about looking after dcs so much so I feel bad asking either of them to look after them.

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 08:26:18

I also doubt his gf would even believe me if I did tell her and it would cause so much trouble for me that I feel as though there would be no point

DrMorbius Fri 06-Nov-15 08:48:28

Canigetanythingright you sound as if you are just floating along (some times sinking).
I am a big believer in making plans and executing. Obviously the plans will change (ala the first casualty of war) but that is OK (adapt).

For example (obviously there is a ton of underlying detail): --
- Stop having sex with someone else's partner - Dont let him in the house.
- Arrange DC access - Make appointment to discuss this with exdp somewhere neutral (be rigid and show you are serious)
- Get a child minder - advertise in local shop / ask friends (children).
- Look at social societies for a night out - .......

If people complain about looking after their DC's/DGC's stop asking them. If they want access make it formal, not adhoc at their wim.

I didn't say "tell the OW", I said its a threat you have if exdp kicks off. BTW never make a threat you woul dnot carry through.

ivykaty44 Fri 06-Nov-15 09:03:25

Blackmail won't be the way to go

Please look and really ask your self why you are trying to hang on to this man and ehy you think you care about him.

Then think about why your life will be do much better if he never steps foot in your house again and you meet on neutral ground to sort out access

Ehy your life will be calm without the rows and being treated like shit

Your life is in your hands and you can choose whether it is good

Samaritan1 Fri 06-Nov-15 09:12:05

Can you write down a list of conditions - i.e the way things are going to be from now on and give him the list as a starting point

Eg

1. Set times to see the dcs - agreed in advance
2. Children handed over at the door, he no longer comes into the house
etc

It sounds "formal" but I think these discussions can easily be derailed, if you have a clear, concise list of things to concentrate on you can make sure that he fully understands the situation and t will help you focus. Just an idea, but I find it really helps me when I have difficult conversations.

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 10:09:03

I've tried, a few months ago I made arrangements with him to have them one day on a weekend I was willing to Meet him at a half way point between both of our houses so it would be fair on both of us but he only done it for two weeks because he goes out and cannot get up on time to collect them.
I am not allowed to know where he lives to even go round and drop them there and I'm constantly on what feels like a Wild goose chase, he doesn't stick to anything.

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 10:12:56

We are going to meet after he has finished work today so I do need to think about what I am going to say to him but he just isn't willing to budge on anything.
He can't have them overnight aa he only lives in a room with his gf he barely helps me financially and I am struggling to just her by.

Joysmum Fri 06-Nov-15 10:14:37

I agree with the others, take control of your lives and take steps to become self sufficient. Everyone is saying the same thing, stop drifting and make your own life.

Hard emotionally but at least work out the steps and start.

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 10:54:16

joys
I don't disagree with any of you,
It has literally come to breaking point for me I know What I need to do I just have to kick myself up the arse and do it.

I've also just seen a thread on here referencing limerence.
I saw it when the op first started it and I recongised that I had some of the characteristics of it which is why I feel as though I cannot tell you why I care or feel the way I do about him.

DrMorbius Fri 06-Nov-15 11:14:10

Canigetanythingright this t**t is the cause of you being at breaking point. I have no idea what you need to do to recognise this, but you need to stop caring about him. He has you dangling on a string (causing your distress)

Take control. Write down terms and conditions and most important, stick to them. Tell him the world has changed. Its important to tell him things have changed.

As an aside - I am not allowed to know where he lives personally no one (including the other parent) would wonder off with my kids if I didn't know where they lived (but thats up to you).

feels like a Wild goose chase of course it does..so stop chasing.

Arrange a pick-up time and write it down (tell him he has 10 miuntes grace to be late), after that you will leave and your phone will be off. Then if he is late, leave and turn your phone off. End of, no more discussion.

Also if he misses one meet, he has to email you and arrange next meet.

Start to lay solid ground rules and stick to them. Stop him playing games and having the upper hand.

As I said above, its sad but you cannot create a good Father, no matter how much you acquiece.

DrMorbius Fri 06-Nov-15 11:14:38

*acquiesce

RedMapleLeaf Fri 06-Nov-15 11:44:46

How many new rules would you be able to manage today?

I think no coming past your front door would be my first.

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 12:35:26

I would like everything set in place now
But I know that's not going to happen. He will agree to some things do it for a little while then stop and blame me for being a bitch as an excuse for him not doing something.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 06-Nov-15 13:03:16

What are your "everything"s? smile

I would have your list written, run it by people here, and if possible take a friend with you.

As for this, He will agree to some things do it for a little while then stop and blame me for being a bitch then that's that. You can't control him and you can't make his choices. But you you can choose how you will behave. And so what if he calls you a bitch? You shrug your shoulders and think, "par for the course with him".

summerwinterton Fri 06-Nov-15 13:09:41

Don't give him the opportunity to blame you for anything. Contact should only be about DC and nothing else. You need to detach and then detach some more. Businesslike handovers on the doorstep only. And if he doesn't show up keep a record and then go out. Access is normally EOW so you should use that as a starting point. He can't just turn up as and when he feels like it. And then you giving him sex if he fancies that too and then he will be horrid and cause a row.

Does he pay maintenance?

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 13:12:47

Ok here's my list.

•pick up dcs At mutual meeting point on a Sunday.. I work weekends so that day is best for all of us.

•no more sleeping together.

•set up a standing order for maintenance

•maybe collect dcs from school one day a week have dinner then bring them home

That's all I have so far what else needs to be on there?

BolshierAryaStark Fri 06-Nov-15 13:13:47

Wait-you don't know where he lives?!
There is no way I'd let the fucker have the DC if that's the case, how can you not know where they are & be happy with it?

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 13:30:51

bolshier I'm not happy about it that another reason why my dcs do not go to his house and tbh I honest I think it has more to do with the ow than him as every time I ask he tells me it's not my business.
That's ok if he doesn't want the kids to go there but he does and I am not backing down on that.
A little while ago before he moved I dropped the dcs off to him for their first over night visit thinking he was living at one address when I got there he told me he had moved later that night I found out he went out and I didn't know who or where my dcs were with so I decided that that was not going to happen again.

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 13:31:36

He expects me to just be ok with it. Because he has a life

summerwinterton Fri 06-Nov-15 13:34:13

Why don't you claim maintenance via the CMS?

Canigetanythingright Fri 06-Nov-15 13:39:16

It's not worth it he doesn't get paid enough we would both end up having more taken in fees

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now