Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Compromise and being realistic. Please help

(32 Posts)
misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 08:13:36

Please bear with me, it's nothing compared with some of the problems here but it is hurting me. I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly 3 years (about 4 hours away) seeing a kind and good man. I'm mid-late thirties and had been single or in a run of awful flings/dates that really destroyed my self confidence from my late twenties. We were introduced by a friend. We have build something special with lots of common interests but, and here is what hurts so much, I don't really fancy him. I enjoy being with him, cuddling etc but kissing and sex are harder to deal with. I have kept trying and it's ok. It's a small price to pay for someone who loves me and is so good to me. We share values and want children.

Recently my head was turned by a colleague. I am attracted to him very much but wouldn't act on it. He is single but after a long messy relationship. I then heard he had slept his way around a lot and I feel a fool.

So this is selfish and it's horrible. I have talked to my other half over the years, he knows I struggle with the attraction but that I care for him and want us to work. He wants to be with me and amazingly (to me) can cope with me. He offers everything; I trust him, I care about him, I think we would be good parents and I have never so secure in someone. On a good day I think, I've had my time for passion, in a few years these feelings fade anyway and we'll still have our solid base. On a bad day I feel irritated and hate the person I am because something is missing.

It's my last realistic chance for children.

Work colleague has just confirmed to me, depressingly, there are few good guys (single) out there...reality check..

There are so many "I" s in that OP. It's about him too of course and I feel it'd be unfair to him, he doesn't. He believes we have so much more than just sex. For context I should say, we see each other a few times a month and then it is all day all night for weekends etc. Few longer spells together too

Sorry so long. Please advise/share your experiences but trust me when I say, I have only been hurt by the few single guys I've met in my thirties and I think you can't have everything in life

Georgethesecond Sat 31-Oct-15 08:19:06

I agree you can't have everything in iLife. But I suspect the things you don't like about this relationship are tolerable now in a LDR but would be much much less so in a living together situation.

Georgethesecond Sat 31-Oct-15 08:19:34

iLife? Bloody iPad, I don't even know what that is!

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 08:23:35

Thanks iGeorge wink. That's one argument, the other is it is better when we are together. It becomes a reality, I'm not phrasing that well. I think the all or nothing from a LDR doesn't help and with both of us in rather specific jobs, it'll be a couple of years before we can live nearer. That's a whole other gamble, waiting to see, waiting for a couple more years for kids... if not then it really is game over . Oh dear

Georgethesecond Sat 31-Oct-15 08:41:43

grin

Kids put pressure on a relationship too. Life's just not bloody easy is it. I am separated after a 20 year relationship/ marriage. I'd rather be separated with kids than have no kids....

category12 Sat 31-Oct-15 08:45:44

You'll be so very unhappy trying to live with and have a sex life with someone you're not attracted to. And I don't understand how he could be happy to have sex with someone who doesn't want him.

Have you thought about going it alone, having a child on your own?

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 13:22:57

Thanks category12. Yes. It would be very hard. Leaving him would take away a huge support and I feel absolutely gutted thinking about breaking up. I have tried to leave him before but we were both so upset, it didn't last. We would both be devastated. But yes. Having sex with someone you don't really fancy is not easy. Sometimes it feels a small price to pay and it feels so desperately unfair, because everything else about "us" works so well. I can't help thinking it must be a common issue but no one seems to talk about it.

Wtfmummy Sat 31-Oct-15 13:38:31

That's a tricky one. The guy you describe and the relationship you have sounds lovely and it has potential to be pretty serious. I do think it is almost impossible to tick all the boxes in a relationship and maybe sex isn't so important if he is ticking everything rlse. I guess it depends on how important sex is to both of you - I know for sure that me and my hubby have massively differing libidos but I do fancy him. How does he feel about it?

Oysterbabe Sat 31-Oct-15 13:43:34

I had an ex that I didn't fancy. I stayed with him for 4 years hoping that I'd be able to just get past it as he was such a good partner in many other ways. Sex was the main problem and just got worse and worse. By the end I'd cringe away if he tried so much as to lay a hand on me. It was so, so unfair on him. He deserved to be with someone who desired him and wanted to be kissed and cuddled by him. I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore and walked out.

I understand the issue re kids but this will not end well.

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 13:55:37

Why is it taking you both so long to be together? Does he already have children?

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 13:59:45

Tricky to answer without giving too much away. No children. It's a rather specific job related issue, I don't want to go into too much more detail but you'll have to believe me options are almost nil for moving at this point (it's not an excuse wink). I have thought about becoming pregnant and living with him during maternity, buy which point we would be approaching more flexibility.

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 14:02:21

The fact of it is that if you don't like kissing him you really, really shouldn't be thinking of a future with him.

You do need to act fast, given your age, so I think you should end that relationship and start to look around (but don't look in your colleague's direction!)

Georgethesecond Sat 31-Oct-15 14:12:17

It is a common issue and people do talk about it. Look at all the sexless marriage threads on here. They usually end sadly.

Fratelli Sat 31-Oct-15 15:57:38

I've been there op. We were only together a year but I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. I felt as though I had to sleep with him and I hated it. I just couldn't do it in the end, it got to the point where I didn't want him to touch me.

As pp said it depends how important sex is to you both. Don't think you've had your time for passion. In the right relationship passion never dies.

MyCircusMyMonkeys Sat 31-Oct-15 16:12:54

Honestly, I don't think it's a very common issue. I've known much older women (70+) to have relationships because they feel comfortable and safe without really fancying their partner sexually, but not women in their 20s-50s.

Most people really do fancy the arse off their partner in the beginning. Things may change later as stresses and pressures build up in the relationship, but if you don't have that Grrr feeling in the beginning I don't think it bodes well.

I think it won't be long before your DP is frustrated, you're feeling mithered for sex, and you both resent the hell out of each other.

Ponytailandquiff Sat 31-Oct-15 16:34:16

I do think it's common to lose attraction for your partner or for one of you to feel less passion than the other. Some people settle for that if the rest is good.

For me, when the attraction hasn't really been there at the start it hasn't improved. It colours the whole relationship and I couldn't live like that.

When it gets to the stage where you can't bear to be touched, it is fairer to the other party to call it a day.

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 16:34:43

Thanks all for the thoughts. I just go round in circles. I feel a bit ick about the sex but it's not a huge part of our relationship tbh. I don't know how he copes knowing that I don't feel massive desire but I guess he thinks I feel enough. It's awful really, the only relationship that I feel really cared for and have so much in common and this bloody spanner in the works. I've been trying to fake it till I make it and just keep hoping. I wish it wasn't like this.

RandomMess Sat 31-Oct-15 16:41:12

Is he actually any good at sex? I mean technically "good" - is he able to get you in the mood quickly even if you don't fancy him?

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 16:42:27

Um not really but it's so bound up in attraction for me, difficult to separate out

ivykaty44 Sat 31-Oct-15 16:47:37

The difference between friends and lovers is sexual intimacy, without it you are friends.

For years this may survive but eventually one of you will not tolerate the lack of intimacy and then what will happen?

JeepersMcoy Sat 31-Oct-15 16:55:21

I have to agree with ivy, what you describe is a really great and awesome friendship but it is not a get married and have kids relationship. I know that a friend like this can seem safe and perfect after a string of bad relationships, but trying to make it something it is not risks you both resenting each other in the end.

I also wonder how you are planning on TTC when you hate having sex with him. You might be lucky and get pregnant after a couple of goes but more likely it will take months if not years of having to have very regular sex. It can be pretty trying when you find the other person seriously sexy. I can't imagine how grim its going to be if you can hardly bring yourself to kiss him.

lavenderhoney Sat 31-Oct-15 17:04:41

Why is he settling? That's a long way to drive when the person at the other end doesn't want to see you naked.

I would be concerned he would go straight to DC without living together p.

Have you ever considered living together first? If you have DC and get married you'll presumably want to be in the same house. If the thought of living with him makes you cringe then it's time to let him go.

If you don't fancy him, sharing a life and listening to him munch cornflakes, clean the loo after him and pretend to go to bed early and fall asleep all very wearing. And when he comes into the bathroom and sees you naked in the bath and you both know you don't want that.

He sounds very much in love with you, but from a distance.

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 17:29:39

Thanks all for your honesty and taking the time to write down your thoughts. A lot to think about. I appreciate it.

qumquat Sat 31-Oct-15 19:20:01

I've been in exactly your position. I really feel for you. I will be back when I have more time to say more.

misslemonsfilingcabinet Sat 31-Oct-15 19:37:18

Thanks Qum. I guess part of me still clinging to the idea that I can fake it till I make it. Marriages have to be based on far worse than I have. Including arranged marriages. But. I can't shake the missing part or I wouldn't be on here and feeling so blue. Losing him and losing the idea of a family because my stupid pheromones won't respond is crap. Humph.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now