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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I really could do with some support

268 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 13:55

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

OP posts:

Report

Silky8220 · 25/10/2015 14:04

I feel for you. It's so hard because they make you believe it's all your fault. I was married a month before we split. I'm now pregnant and the emotional abuse has been terrible. I can see from your message the my child will likely be used as a tool in his abuse game. I really feel for you and you are doing the right thing. I won't get better with him, it never does.

sofato5miles · 25/10/2015 14:08

Get a hot chocolate for the kids and a tea for you and plan something nice. Distract them and yourself.

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 14:11

My nerves are really on edge- the kids are fine, well they seem fine, but I just know he'll come back later to cry/
Beg/ rant at me, I just can't take anymore of his shit, it's making me ill

OP posts:

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 14:12

Sorry you're going through this too silky xx

OP posts:

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 25/10/2015 14:12

Get a friend or relative round to back you up if he returns.

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 14:13

Sorry you're going through this too silky xx

OP posts:

Muddlewitch · 25/10/2015 14:16

You have done the right thing op, stay strong.

This is what many abusers do, they feel they are losing the control they need so badly, and so resort to different tactics to try and get it back.

Are you safe if he returns?

Try and find something to keep yourself and the DC distracted and keep posting on here if it helps.

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 14:31

Thanks muddle, it does help to hear that I'm doing the right thing, I'm feeling so weak and worn down :-(

OP posts:

Muddlewitch · 25/10/2015 17:58

Has he come back? This is the difficult bit but you will look back in the future and be amazed at how much better your life can be.

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 18:15

No he's not come back yet, he probably will though, in the past when we've argued, he's stormed off then came back to give me the guilt trip.
How did my life end up like this? What the hell did I do to deserve this?

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Muddlewitch · 25/10/2015 19:31

No one deserves it, and it's nothing you did, though I can remember feeling that way. It's not thing or event though people like that kind of 'creep in' and you don't see it happening then when you realise you wonder how on earth you ended up somewhere you would never have imagined. That's how it was for me anyway.

Do you know where he has gone?

Muddlewitch · 25/10/2015 19:31

*not one thing...

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 19:39

He said he was going to London (I'm in east anglia), he's done this before though, and I'm expecting him to come back at any time.
I'm so worn out and fed up with all this, I have four children , I have to be strong for them, but I'm really struggling :-(

OP posts:

Muddlewitch · 25/10/2015 20:05

It gets easier, I promise.

For now just concentrate on the basics for you and the DC. Sleep, eat and plenty of cuddles. You don't have to have it all worked out now. You must be exhausted and emotionally drained. I have four children too, it's relentless at the best of times let alone when you have all this going on. But it is better, so much better, than being with my ex ever was. You will get there, one day at a time.

Do any of your friends or family know what's going on?

MarchMummy1992 · 25/10/2015 20:11

You need to do what's best for you && the children as hard as it is now it will only get harder if you allow his behaviour to continue I was the child in this position many years ago and my mum fought for us to be happy and away from the grief and it was the best thing she could of done now she's happily remarried so is my dad && there both much happier x

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 22:37

I have some friends that I've now told about this situation... Luckily they're all very supportive, I haven't the strength to tell my parents... My dad warned me when he first met him that he would drag me down.
The kids seems ok, but he's hurt them a lot - he called my son a horrible name a few weeks ago, That was the icing on the cake for me

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/10/2015 22:41

Tell your parents, make it final

If you don't, he will have his feet back under your table within days just like he always has

If you mean it this time, show that by your actions

Slobberdobber · 25/10/2015 22:41

Poor you, OP. What a manipulative situation.

None of this is your fault

It sounds like you need to listen to some inner strength music. Anything that can help make you feel strong.

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 22:42

I have 3 children from a previous relationship, and we have a son together. Plus he has a daughter from a previous relationship, who also lives with us- he has full custody, she is here with me- he said he'd take her with him earlier, but she's had enough upheaval in her life.

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dinkywinky · 25/10/2015 22:44

I'm so sorry you and you children have had to go through this.
I'm sure everyone is rooting for you. Be strong and make sure the cowardly fucker knows he's not welcome in you're household anymore. It's become a safe haven and abusers aren't welcome xx

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 22:45

Anyfucker, this is the first time I've told anyone about my situation, it feels final enough.
When we've argued before, I've kept it to myself, this time, I've told people, cos I've had enough, I'm sick of feeling like this.

OP posts:

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 22:52

How the fuck did I end up in this shitty relationship? I should've ended it earlier, I've been so stupid and naive.

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Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 22:58

Thanks everyone for the support- it helps a lot, I'm feeling so weak. :-(

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Homely1 · 25/10/2015 23:14

You've done the right thing and better for DS in the long run not to see mummy abused. You are giving a very strong message to DS that EA is not ok. Amazing that despite abuse, the victim hides it!

It's really easy in hindsight that it should have ended earlier (I did that too). Hugs with your DS with help ??

Homely1 · 25/10/2015 23:15

Sorry I meant to send flowers at the end not 2 question marks!

I'll try again....

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