Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Cheating husband

(42 Posts)
Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 13:09:24

Hello mummies,
I am a first time mother of a gorgeous 17 months old boy and been with my husband for almost 10 years, which of whom 5 in marriage.
Throughout the years we had troubles but it was never something so big that we would break out the relationship. However, there was once in our first year of marriage that he was flirting with coworker and I caught him ( he forgot to log off his Facebook on the home computer) and confronted him. After long arguments he reassured me that nothing has happened between them it was just a silly flirt and to honest I do and did believe in that. After that our relationship got much stronger and we decided to start trying for a baby. However, after 3 years of trying nothing happens. We both had very stressful jobs and my husband worked London 14-16 hours days. After these 3 years of trying we decided to give up and if it happens great...and...it did. We were both over the moon. He was the best husband you can ask for. Always with me (we both quit our jobs in order to release the stress) carting what I'm eating, drinking all the time. When my little boy was born we had a bit of a difficulty so had to stay in hospital for 7 days. He stayed with us 25/7. He didn't shower, eat rubbish from the vending machine and slept on a arm chair the whole time. Once the baby was born, I know lots of you mummies can relate to this, I didn't think about anything else then my son. Been so caught up in the role of being a mummy, thriving to be the best as possible, that I forgot about him, my husband. Due to this we haven't been intimate for over a year, which I agree it's a long period. During all of this time he wasn't working, but when the time came for me to go back to work we decided that it may be a good thing for me. However I was missing my son so much that my husband said he will start looking for work so I can leave and stay at home with my son. All of this time he was brilliant, loving, caring. So few months ago he started a new job and things started to go down. He got back working the long days and having only one day off. I let him be in hope that once he gets established he'll sort his hours and spend time with us. The other day I was trying to move some photos from my phone onto the Mac and his I cloud account was logged in so I went through his photos, to find photos of two girls that he's working with. He stalked them and n FB and saved some sassy photos of them on his phone. The horrible thing is that one of them is a girlfriend of another coworker that works closely with my husband and the other one is only 18(my husbands 37). I went crazy, even writing this now makes my hand shake. I confronted him straight away on which at first instance he shouted back saying there's nothing happening, and then he admitted that he was sexually attracted to them and saved the photos...why? He doesn't know...but he realised straightaway that that's wrong and deleted them from his phone (I did find the pictures in deleted items). We argued for so long and he said that he wants to be with us and he thinks he needs counselling to help him out. I do love him and I agreed to the counselling but still can't forgive nor forget and asked him to leave his job on which he agreed. As he has to give 2 weeks notice I'm still taking him and picking him up from work every day and my hart tears apart. He said that he'll do everything to get us back to at least some similar relationship if he can't bring the real thing that we had back. We went for the initial assessment at the counsellor and now waiting for regular visit dates. In the mean time I am very angry and trying to get him to talk to me in order for both to understand why is this happening but he's so difficult to talk. Whenever I ask him something about these girls, he first gets upset and then he says it was just a stupidity and there was nothing there. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but the main reason I want us together is because of my son-don't want him to grow up in split relationship.
I just don't understand how is he going to work now and spending the days with these girls. Is he still attracted to them? What's on his mind when he sees them there.
Since this happened, he communicates with me more often, phone calls, texts, pictures etc. But that still doesn't prove he's forgot that he was attracted to these girls.
I don't know...I'm so confused
Please help... I'll appreciate any honest advice.
Mx

timelytess Sun 25-Oct-15 13:23:22

First piece of honest advice - don't address people as 'mummies'. Thanks.

I'm not good at relationship advice but here goes.
People fancy each other. Even when they're married. Keeping photos of people you fancy, if you're married, is going too far.
Maybe he's sexually involved with these women, maybe not.
If he ever leaves your sight, there's a chance he'll be flirting with other people. The most unlikely people do it. I recently found out that someone I trusted completely has at least two extra-marital relationships going on.
You can't police people's thoughts.
You both seem to be quite blasé about leaving jobs.
Do you trust him? If he's telling the truth he hasn't done much wrong, so far. But how do you know he's telling the truth?

I don't know. It doesn't seem enough to leave him, yet I'm hesitant to say you're making too much of it.

No-one else has replied, I note.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 25-Oct-15 13:29:41

There's nothing to say he's cheated. Saving the photos is strange but he's acknowledged this, deleted them and agreed to counselling. What more can he do? Do you trust him?

loveyoutothemoon Sun 25-Oct-15 13:30:28

And mary we ARE mummies.

ISeeIt Sun 25-Oct-15 13:36:40

Agree - timely you might not like the terminology but we are mummies, no need to be harsh.

OP it doesn't sound like cheating to me. It sounds like your DH is pretty devoted - he shouldn't have saved the pics (I can guess why he did) but he sounds remorseful and keen to make things work. Did you ask him why he had the pics? How he's feeling? I appreciate you're feeling slighted and hurt but perhaps you need to have a look at how he's feeling, too?

tableanadchairs Sun 25-Oct-15 13:37:48

No we are not all "mummies" MNers yes but not "mummies"

loveyoutothemoon Sun 25-Oct-15 13:40:14

It's for parents, although some people aren't. It's not unreasonable to be called mummies. Yes MNers MUMSNET Flaming Nora!

Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 13:46:52

Thanks for your opinion.
First of all apologies to all "mums" out there. My post was too long that I just wanted to send it off and hopefully get some advice ASAP and didn't preview the post - It was the auto correct that instead of mums, called everyone mummies.
I totally agree that keeping photos it's very wrong, although like I've said I found them in deleted items as he said, apparently he realised straight away that that's wrong and deleted them.
I don't think he's sexually involved with them, as I'm taking him to work and picking him up every day. He doesn't go out with his mates as he doesn't have time for that either due to his working hours. But I'm sure there was some if not lots of flirting going on.
After this, at the moment I don't trust him but as he was willing to work on this I will do so too because I love him and because of my little boy.
Also to mention that we are not so blasé leaving jobs, but in our field we can find find jobs very easy wherever we are and also throughout the years we worked very hard and build up savings and investments. I only asked him to leave his job as I just can't bare that he's there with them every day.
You are totally right that we can't police anybody's thoughts, this is why I'm asking him for the truth but still not convinced I'm getting.
I am very sorry for your bad experience.I despise people that live life's like that( talking about the person you've trusted)
It's just not fair.
I just needed advice. Thank you for your honesty

AnneSansTete Sun 25-Oct-15 13:52:16

It sounds like he's been pretty stupid having the pictures on his phone but it doesn't seem like he's been cheating. He's deleted the pictures and agreed to counselling. Telling him to quit his job is bonkers, how are you going to pay for anything?!

He's been an idiot but I think you're hugely over reacting.

Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 14:17:54

Wow a small misspell and some take this so serious
Thank you all for taking time to write back.
Let's just clear one thing... We are not living on benefits street but we are ok with money and as I've said before, in our careers we do find jobs easy(proven) and also just before this all came up we are looking to start our own business too. That's another thing that scares me... When we get to employ people/girls should I always worry. I don't want to live like that. I've always gave him freedom with his jobs even he sometimes cared more about his job them me smile that's one of the things I liked about him-he's good at what he does and is so passionate about it.
I do think that he got so wrapped up in his job (as he admits)that suddenly the people there are more close to him then us.
He lost the track a bit, as he says, but he needs to do something and make sure this doesn't happen again. All he needed is to talk to me and tell me how he feels. I am very reasonable would understand.
I understand that possibly many people have someone at work or social places that they fancy, I did too years back, but never stalked him on social sites nor saved photos of him. I just thought he's cute and that if it wasn't for my hubby he would probably be my choice of man. I didn't flirt with him just had a good opinion about him.
It's really good to hear your opinions for the situation. What would you do? How would you feel if you taking your hubby to work for the whole day away with girls he finds attractive? How could you bring the trust back?
ISeelt - I think we probably thinking the same thing ?? but when I ask him why he saved the photos he says he doesn't know, stupidity - which I don't believe

RJnomaaaaaargh Sun 25-Oct-15 14:25:27

Ok I can cut through it all and answer you in one sentence. It doesn't matter what he has or hasn't done, if you can't trust him going forward your relationship is dead.

Would I worry about my dh working with other women? Would I hell and if I felt I had to due to either his conduct or my issues that would be that.

gamerchick Sun 25-Oct-15 14:29:24

You've made his quit his job because he's attracted to people he works with but isn't doing anything, really?

Massive overreaction and a smite controlling imo.

ISeeIt Sun 25-Oct-15 14:35:41

To be brutally honest I know some men who prefer to get their.. Ahem.. Solo jollies while fantasising about real life peers rather than looking at porn/fantasising without visual aids. I personally think it's a sad product of overuse/overavailability of porn that increases some people's threshold for sexual excitement (and might be talking some bollocks although there is some research in this area) - it's a new/different level of thrill using real images of real people. It's possible that's what happened here, you say you and your husband have had a bit of a dry spell (which is normal) and it might be he saved the pics for these purposes and was too embarrassed to admit that to you. A LOT of speculation there, and not lovely to think about your OH getting his jollies that way I'm sure, but better that it's all fantasy than the alternative.

True - we're not all mums. I still think there's no need for the harshness

Vixxfacee Sun 25-Oct-15 14:40:06

You both quit your jobs as you got pregnant?

Axekick Sun 25-Oct-15 14:45:59

Honestly the relationship doesn't sound very healthy.

You both quit work to look after you while you were pg?

Even if you had loads of money saved up and didn't claim benefits, I find this strange.

He was a dick, he realised he was a dick and deleted the photos.

While I would be hurt, I think you are over reacting. He is leaving his job? What about when he starts a new one? You will suspicious of women there, surely.

Driving him to and from work? Are you going to do that forever?

Only employer ugly older women, or even only men when you own your own business.

He has offered to go for counselling. There isn't more he can do at this stage.

I think you need some counselling too to deal with this.

But honestly you can't live like this forever and if you know you can't let this go, ever. The relationship is over.

When someone betrays their partner, it takes time to move past. However, it can't be something that is held against the offender for all time. If it does it destroys both people.

Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 15:51:45

True RJnomaaaaaargh but this is why I don't know what to do and how to pass through this. I love his soo much and don't want to get divorced but at the same time feel angry and let down.

Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 15:59:23

gamerchick - I am a bit of a control freak but only now as I've been let down and don't know how to deal with that. Normally very laid back and apparently this is one of the qualities my husband liked in me. Job situation- I can't bother to explained this situation anymore. We work because we like working with people and keep us busy, but we both have made some very clever decisions for investments few years ago that has paid off very well. Neither one of us is stupid to make our little boy suffer because of our problems. We tried very hard to get him and now we have him he's our world (well at least mine)Wondering if you've been in a situation like this?

Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 16:01:16

ISeeIt - that's exactly what I thought but just can't understand why now when is all out he doesn't admit that. I really appreciate your comment

Mary261078 Sun 25-Oct-15 16:06:11

Don't understand your need for harshness. Some people have no problems getting pregnant but some do and they desperately want a family unfortunately. So as our money situation gives us the freedom not to work for some time, to avoid the stress that our 18 hours jobs demand we decided to leave our jobs. If this is jealousy that makes you react like that so be it... We are not snobs but as we can afford it we did it

Enoughalreadyyou Sun 25-Oct-15 16:15:07

You have admitted you ignored your husband who sounds devoted to you. You are exaggerating what he has done. He is remorseful so why don't you move on and give him what he wants? You sound very controlling and a bit spoilt to be honest.
Being a good mother is part of life not the whole damn thing. Most of us are good mothers it doesn't make us special. In fact devoting yourself so much is not a good thing at all.

Enoughalreadyyou Sun 25-Oct-15 16:16:19

Also I am surprised you can't paragraph your writing.

ILiveAtTheBeach Sun 25-Oct-15 16:16:42

I will no doubt get flamed for saying this, but, if me and my DH hadn't had sex for a whole year, I would not be totally shocked if he got tempted by a very attractive female at work. It's kind of obvious what the problem is. hmm

BitchPeas Sun 25-Oct-15 16:29:40

He sounds very devoted to you and IMO just had a moment of stupidity. Why were you looking in his deleted file anyway??

It all sounds very intense. Being a mother shouldn't have taken over your whole life the way it has. It's not healthy.

Could you both work part time, 2 or 3 days a week if you don't need the money. Just so your lives are a bit more balanced?

And not being intimate for a year is bad. It's the thing that bonds you together as a couple. Have you discussed it?

Axekick Sun 25-Oct-15 17:26:12

It not about not working.

It's about the intensity of your relationship, that's not healthy.

It's sounds very intense. Which is probably why you are struggling.

Fratelli Sun 25-Oct-15 18:01:30

Regardless of your financial situation it is so unhealthy to be with each other 24/7. You sound extremely controlling and paranoid. You both need counselling, separately and together.

Why were you looking at his deleted items? He shouldn't have saved the pictures, that was wrong. But your reaction is way over the top. Driving him to and from work and making him quit?

Look op my oh cheated with someone from work. It was awful but we are fine now. I won't go into detail as we'll be here all day but when I decided to forgive him it meant I stop bringing it up and trust him. I never drove him to work and didn't ask him to quit, not that we could have afforded for him to anyway. If I felt like that I wouldn't be with him. We have a great relationship now and I have no regrets.

Can I also say, not paying attention to anything or anyone other than your child doesn't make you a superior parent to anyone else. In fact, it sounds a little umhealthy. You don't want your child to grow up in separate homes but it is better than him growing up thinking this relationship is healthy.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now