When I first met dp and was about to meet his parents, he warned me about mil, saying she comes a cross as lovely but not to be taken in, as sooner or later she will turn on me and I won't know why. I told him he was mean, but when I was pregnant that's exactly what happened. She told dp I was a gold digger planning to steal his money, that the baby was a trap, that I was making up my sod for sympathy, and all sorts. She was Yen mean to me after he birth, and made a nasty comment about ds name when we called to tell her he was born.
It all blew over and everything was fine and we all seemed to be getting on well.
Fast forward a year and Long story short, MIL has fallen out with us. She has a pattern of doing this and we never really find out why. Normally we just keep going round and ignoring the frosty reception and it also blows over.
This time however she has been making it I possible to sort out. DP will call her asking when we can come round to see her and she will let it go through to voicemail and never return the call. When he calls again asking if she got the message, she will say yes, but she was busy hanging out the washing (which doesn't explain why she doesn't call back). One week he phoned 5 times and left 5 voicemails. She didn't return one. We went round at the weekend and she was obviously looking for an argument as she kept making snippy remarks, then said "you don't care, you haven't even called this week".
I couldn't listen to it anymore when I see how she treats do and how it affects him, and I snapped and told her that I could see exactly what she is doing, picked up our ds and walked out. She has subsequently banned me from her house.
Dp has tried to call her numerous times which always results in her screaming at him.
We have since found out that she has bee going around telling everyone that she doesn't see dp or our ideas"his sons partner has made sure of that, she is a masterpiece of work" which is obviously Not true. She helps at the playgroup where do and I are moving to, and I was hoping to be able to meet other mums, and has apparently been spreading all these lies befoe I even get there. We found this out as I saw one of her friends discussing it on Facebook, and apparently she has been saying this for months, way before she fell out wish us.
Since the falling out, she has been referred for tests as they have found da Mass on an ultrasound, which could be cancer. See is using that as a reason to not speak to dp saying she isn't coping well with her cancer scare and he should just get on with his life. But we know she has also told people she has to go through it alone as I stop him speaking to her. He tried to go to a hospital appointment with her so she wasn't alone and she screamed in front of everyone in the waiting room and said that I was an embarrassment.
She has told him tonight that he has made his choice by being with me and choosing me over his own mother.
I don't know what to do,the stress of it is making me feel I'll as I can't eat or sleep. I've not asked anyone to choose.there is no choice as far as I'm concerned, I want everyone to get on and ds to see his grandma.
The obvious answer would be to go NC, but we can't do that to someone having a cancer scare, and even if that turns out to be nothing, we will basically be doing what she has accused us of.I just don't know what to do.
Please help :(
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Relationships
How to fix this MIL problem? It's making me ill :(
MILhatesme · 20/10/2015 00:43
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. It's hurtful, of course it is. And somehow it's worse when they turn away their own child (I have similar problems with my ILs). Personally I feel that if they just didn't want to know me then I'd accept it, but it's the rejection of dh that hurts the most. No child should ever have to experience that.
Please don't think I'm being flippant when I say this, but there really isn't anything you can do. She's done this before and all you can really do is support your other half.
You can't change people. You can only change how you react to those people sadly 
She sounds like a classic narcissist. I have a parent with a narcissistic personality disorder. They don't change. They don't improve (although they may appear to at times, but it will all transpire to have been an elaborate manipulation). It's not personal. She doesn't hate you because you stole her son - she would hate any DIL or anyone who doesn't dance attendance on her. Nothing she says or does can be relied upon to be the truth, including, I'm sorry to say, this cancer scare. The best thing you could do for yourself and your family is to walk away, either formally going NC or just disentangling yourself from it all. At the very least, you need to train yourself not to take any of it to heart - she is acting out a personal psychodrama that began long before your Dh and his siblings were even born. It helps that your Dh and the rest of the family seem to totally have her number - the toughest situations are when the child of a parent like this keeps on having their chain yanked and running back to the toxic parent, which has a terrible effect on a wider family dynamics, marriages etc. (There was a terribly sad thread about exactly this a couple of weeks ago.) To answer your question, you can't fix this problem. All you can do is insulate yourself from it. 
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