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Confused. Pregnant. Husbands emotional affair.

(18 Posts)
Marcher Thu 15-Oct-15 03:29:20

I need some help.
I posted before about my husbands emotional affair.
I know I need to end our marriage.
But I'm finding it so so hard. I love him.
How do you find the strength?

Friendlystories Thu 15-Oct-15 04:23:25

I wish I had an answer for you, I don't but know what it's like to need someone to reply in the middle of the night! I guess you have to weigh up what feels most awful, taking this huge step to end your marriage or living with the knowledge of what he's done and the fear he may do it (or worse) again and that feeling that you may be second best. How have things been since your original post? Is he making an effort to own what he's done and understand what it's done to you? Where did you get to with the counselling idea?

Marcher Thu 15-Oct-15 04:31:54

He understands that he has totally, completely and utterly stuffed up.
Things are up and down. One minute I love him and next minute I hate him.
We have counselling booked in for next week.

Friendlystories Thu 15-Oct-15 04:44:03

Your feelings sound pretty normal to me, if nothing else the counselling may help you make sense of things. When you say you know you need to end the marriage is that because you're sure that's how you feel or because you think that's how you should feel iyswim?

Marcher Thu 15-Oct-15 05:17:01

That's a good question and I honestly don't know the answer to it.
I feel like he has no respect for me. If he would cheat on his pregnant wife, what wouldn't he do confused

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Thu 15-Oct-15 05:56:00

Quite.

I have no advice; my feelings switched off and I kicked him out as soon as I got wind of his behaviour.

You need to get angry. Take care x

justnippingin Thu 15-Oct-15 05:56:59

The long and short of it is can you trust him, can you trust him to be loyal to both you and your baby? Can you trust him to be a loyal father, loyal to the happiness of your family?

If the answer is no then, difficult as it is, I know I've done it, you have to get things sorted out for you. It will be so much harder when you have a baby.

Malamutes Thu 15-Oct-15 06:46:40

I posted on your original thread as someone who is currently trying to leave their husband. I think go to counselling, they can be excellent at cutting through the bullshit and helping you to think clearly about what you want to happen.

I have stopped feeling guilty, almost, about leaving my DH, he keeps saying I'm being selfish re. The kids BUT it was his terrible actions that got US in this position.

I cannot regain trust or love for him. But you might be able to.......counselling and talking to plenty of people on RL will help.

Good luck, I'm off to work but will check in later and see how you are.

Marcher Thu 15-Oct-15 06:51:30

We have two kids, so it's already hard. sad
I have only spoken to a couple of people in real life as it's hard to bring up.

Malamute, how long did it take you to officially end the marriage?

Malamutes Thu 15-Oct-15 16:34:01

Hi Marcher, just back from work so sorry for big gap in posts. I am trying to make him understand at the moment. I have got a thread in relationships were I have tried to explained what is going on. I am getting plenty support in RL and certainly wouldn't be this calm without it. Every now and again I feel guilty about how this will upset children but friends have told me that it is much worse for kids to live with unhappy parents and we are both unhappy. Him because I want to leave him, me because I no longer trust him and have found, I hope, the strength to leave, finally!

lavenderhoney Thu 15-Oct-15 21:54:27

My ex dh also continues to harangue me I am selfish and have ruined the DC lives by not accepting his bullshit and affairs, emotional and otherwise.

Maybe I am. Mine and the DC lives are very different now. But I don't miss him and I am glad I don't have to live the emotional roller coaster anymore.

Counselling is good. Takes ages and makes you think, but thinking takes time. And you don't have an obligation to put up with his stuff, and being pregnant makes it harder. I'm impressed you're even thinking about dropping him, and not hiding under the duvet.

Marcher Thu 15-Oct-15 22:12:22

I feel like I need to make a complete decision one way or the other right now. I don't want to still be yoyo-ing when I have a newborn.
As much as I'm against "staying together for the kids", it does add another element about it. I know my son will be absolutely heartbroken. And I'm so angry at my husband for putting his family in this situation.

DragonsCanHop Thu 15-Oct-15 22:36:38

What is he saying about it all?

It is so hard, stay and let it eat you away in some cases or leave and start all over again. Ask him to leave and have some space? I'm in no position to advice.

Marcher Thu 15-Oct-15 22:39:31

We can't afford for him to stay in a hotel long term.
He is very remorseful, apologetic and knows he totally stuffed up. But it's a case of too little, too late for me.
He wants to make it work. But I have no idea how we can do that when it eats away at me every day (just like you said).

Phoenix69 Fri 16-Oct-15 05:58:57

I think you need to think about and see a counsellor about how you feel for him. Is it love you feel now? You say 'one minute you love him next minute you hate him' love underlies our feelings in a relationship. You might love and hate him that minute, but do you really love him now?

For me love is underpinned by trust and respect. He has lost that. What is left is maybe a need to stay with someone because ending the relationship is the harder option. If you didn't have kids, pregnancy and other ties - would you stay with him?

In your situation the love would be gone for me. Life is too short for a loveless, untrusting relationship. I would move on and find happiness on my own or with someone else in time.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 16-Oct-15 07:13:15

I'm so sorry you have a cheating husband. What struck me is you saying about staying for the children. In that scenario they may be happy, he would be happy but there is a good chance you would not. You've done nothing wrong. Don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of the children. It isn't fair to them. I wish you well.

Marcher Fri 16-Oct-15 07:38:06

I actually think as the shock of all this wears off, the love is disappearing. I looked at him today and didn't feel much at all.

Marcher Fri 16-Oct-15 14:36:01

I just want it to be over.

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