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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

feel like im loosing my mind with this...

315 replies

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 00:43

Hi all .... where do i start?!
I am so head fucked by my boyfriends behaviour i cant think clearly anymore,
The relationship is so one sided and i make so much effort while he makes none and doesnt even really pretend he does its almost like i should feel priveledged that hes even bothered to talk to me so what am i moaning about.
We dont spend much time together tbh and theres not really a good reason why just that hes so busy ( doing nothing ) apparently.
I wish i could record our phone conversations just to play someone in the hope they will tell me im not going mad as they just get more and more bizarre, he goes from singing how much he loves me and stupid love songs to me down the phone which he says is romantic but just feels sarcastic to a couple of minutes later telling me he doesnt think i give a damn about him i should prove it and hes not sure he sees a future for us....this switch can happen bk n forth a good few times in every conversation then he laughs hysterically saying hes only joking i shouldnt take things so seriously etc etc.
God this all sounds so petty theres so much more weird things that i wish someone would explain to me why he does this as i feel like im loosing my mind atm
Im going through a really rough period of my life atm and i do really love this guy ( weve been together 2 years ) so its not as easy as just dump him although i know that may sound like the best plan.
My friends think he is emotionally abusive and that his behaviour is getting worse not better
Id love some impartial views or advice if anyone would like to chat
TIA

OP posts:

Report

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 14/10/2015 00:51

Your friends think he is EA for a reason.
He's fucking with your head.
He won't change.

Sorry to be blunt but either you need to decide that him naking no effort is what you want or you find someone better.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 14/10/2015 00:53

And if you want to know why he does it, try reading Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that'. It may all make sense.

And on no account have children with this man.

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 00:57

Thank you i will try google that book....just wondered if anyone had any personal experience of this, why people do it, how to deal with it or distance yourself from it or try to fight it regaining some sanity
I dont know if he is emotionally abusive im sat here in floods of tears as i dont even know up from down anymore so i dont trust my own judgement

OP posts:

Oneeyedbloke · 14/10/2015 01:53

What's he like when you're together, not just being weird down the phone?

Atenco · 14/10/2015 03:40

I know you feel you love him and don't want to leave him, but instead of feeling better when talking to him and being in his company you feel worse.

Really you need to think about what you love about him and what you love about yourself.

Phoenix69 · 14/10/2015 04:43

This article has a good few points from 'Why does he do this'

www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf

its not as easy as just dump him
It is - it's only going to get worse

although i know that may sound like the best plan.
That's because it is the best plan

Good luck

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 14/10/2015 05:16

It's TOTALLY as easy as just dumping him. He doesn't see you much and doesn't make you happy and he seems to enjoy dangling you from a thread like a cat with a plaything to be stroked one minute and tortured the next, for his pleasure.

Tell him it's over.

HellKitty · 14/10/2015 05:29

Stop trying to make excuses for his behaviour. This isn't going to get any better, you need to be strong, finish this and block. There have been many women (and men), including myself, who have been in EA relationships. They don't change. Ever.

DoreenLethal · 14/10/2015 06:24

I dont know if he is emotionally abusive im sat here in floods of tears as i dont even know up from down anymore so i dont trust my own judgement

That is a typical effect of an emotional abusive partner. That is the point, you dont trust your own judgement so much that thye can do what the fuck they like and you will never question it.

The only way to deal with a boyfriend who is making you miserable is to make that person into your ex boyfriend. Thats how it works.

Rozalia · 14/10/2015 07:06

Phoenix69 that's an excellent article, well worth reading. Please read it OP and then end this relationship. Block him, delete him, get rid.

You don't yet know the damage and pain such a man will cause you long term. Get out before you do. I learnt the hard way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2015 07:23

Were you in a low place yourself when you met this individual?.

He does this because he can. He has achieved his aim here by putting you in the state you are in now; that was his aim all along.

Have you also confused co-dependency with love?. He has made no effort whilst you have and probably over the entire relationship as well.

You need to end this so called relationship because this is only going one way for you and that is down. He is more than happy to drag you down with him and has dragged you down already. You need to walk away before you become further emotionally harmed at his hands.

Men like this individual as well take a considerable time to recover from; you need to heal yourself properly before embarking on another relationship. Reading Lundy Bancroft's book as well as enrolling on the Womens Aid Freedom Programme would be a very good start.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 14/10/2015 07:53

Yes I have personal experience of it.
I put up.with it for years. I tried ignoring it, fighting it, doing the same back, being nicer.

He got nastier.

I left him.

It got much better.

(Thank you Lundy Bancroft)

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/10/2015 08:11

just wondered if anyone had any personal experience of this

yes

why people do it

to gain power over you by keeping you destabilised

how to deal with it or distance yourself from it

by leaving this person

or try to fight it regaining some sanity

by getting some therapy once you are out of it, such as Freedom Programme or psychotherapy.

Joysmum · 14/10/2015 08:14

I think a more pertinent question is that why is it you haven't dumped him given you know he's a cunt?

You don't need to understand why he does it to dump him.

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 10:56

Thanks for the replies i guess i havent dumped him already as i do love him and enjoy the time we spend together when hes being nice plus had dreams of a future together with him
He is currently hassling me constantly to buy a house with him and says everything will be better when we move in together and that i cant moan about hardly seeing him when im not even serious enough about the relationship/ or dont love him enough to buy this house
Feel like im constantly having to prove to him by doing so much to show i love him whilst he does nothing but his get out clause to me moaning he makes no effort is always because he doesnt feel im serious about him as if i was id buy this house
It feels like blackmail tbh and ive told him that but he just gets angry and refuses to speak to me if i voice my worries that he doesnt care about me
He said last night on the phone that when we live together i will get to see him 3 days a week not the 2 i do currently as the other 4 he will spend with his mates then when i got upset he gets mad saying hes only joking and i cant take a joke!
Just to add this house he wants me to buy is not in my home town and would mean me uprooting and changing many things about my life while he changes none

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2015 11:08

Ask yourself this; what do I get out of this relationship with him?.

What needs of yours is he meeting?. Be honest with your own self here.

I think you have confused love with co-dependency. I also think your relationship boundaries are well messed up also leading to someone like this person latching onto you as well. The last thing you need currently is a relationship.

There are so many red flags in your last post that I have lost count.

Do you think that other relationships are conducted exactly like this?.

He is not a decent person to be at all involved with. He has seen something in you which he can and certainly has exploited; you were targeted by him. He knows that you will put up with him regardless of the crap he keeps throwing at you.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 14/10/2015 12:27

Is that man foreign?

He is, isn't he.

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 12:30

No hes not foreign...why do you say that?

OP posts:

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 14/10/2015 12:33

OK, never mind.

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 14/10/2015 12:41

Hi lost girl, just to echo the voices of others: he WILL NOT change & you WILL end up losing yourself/self-esteem & your confidence if you don't leave. I left a 'great guy' earlier this year because (being an avid MN reader!) I recognised the abuse I was suffering in the name of 'love' (which I now realise was in fact codependency). It hurt. I still think about him every day. I miss him. I yearn for him. BUT I know it was abusive & that he would have ended up controlling my life (to the detriment of my DC). PLEASE consider this. Be brave!

pocketsaviour · 14/10/2015 12:58

I take it he couldn't afford to buy a place on his own? That's why he's keeping you on the string OP, to enable him to get on the housing ladder.

DO NOT MAKE ANY FINANCIAL COMMITTMENT WITH THIS MAN.

He is emotionally blackmailing you to get you to do what he wants. He wants a house, and you're his route to that. He doesn't give a shiny shit about your well-being.

Do have a read of the Lundy book. It's available on Kindle.

lostgirl83 · 14/10/2015 12:58

@pheonix69....ive just read the article ... he does most of the things on it
I just feel so lost

OP posts:

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petalsandstars · 14/10/2015 13:05

Listen to your friends - they have the measure of him. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy and waste more years on him. Bin him and you'll feel so much better after the initial shock probably

VivaHate · 14/10/2015 13:14

You are not losing your mind at all.

The man is choosing to control you emotionally, financially and through isolation as well (trying to make you move away from your home town, and support network).

Please call your local Women's Aid, they can help you.

Stay safe in the meantime and if you are in danger please call 999.

WorkingClassHeroine · 14/10/2015 13:32

His behaviour is, if not abusive (I'm not totally sure it is actual abuse but it doesn't sound good), it's very erratic and flaky. He sounds like a pretty crappy boyfriend.

Apologies if I've missed something, but if you don't already live together and you don't have children with him then it really is as easy as just saying goodbye.

You have no obligations to each other so you really can just drop him like a hot rock. I would.

Flip

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