Not sure how to proceed

[ScaredyCat42]

I posted on here a while back when I realised I was living a life walking on egg shells as were (are?) our DC's as my DH was someone who lost his temper at the slightest thing and the DC's could do nothing right in his eyes alot of the time. Since then, we have spoken alot and he knows that I am at a point where I don't think I want to continue the relationship. However since the talks he has really changed, has not blamed me or the kids for the way he has behaved and acknowledged his temper was out of order and we should not have been living that way. He is helping out around the house, he is trying to show an interest in me and he is controlling his temper and he admits to being much happier for doing so. My problem is that I am struggling to love him again, I am still relieved when he is out of the house and I really don't enjoy being physically close to him. I struggle to have a relaxed conversation with him (not his fault) and I can't regain the feelings I used to have for him (although I have never really enjoyed being intimately close with him but always blamed contraception for feeling this way. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need to give it more time as it has only been a couple of months since his behaviour has changed (it was years of it before) or are these feelings I'm never going to get back? We spoke last night and he wants to know what I want to do because he says he is happy to continue with the changed behaviour if he knows there is light at the end of the tunnel but if I know in my heart I don't want to stay he wants to know now, which I suppose is fair enough but I don't know what I want in my heart, or maybe I do and just can't face it. He also said if we split I would be responsible for taking everything away from the dcs - nice house, all the things they want etc and I don't want to do that. The way he is at the moment, I know me deciding to split would be a completely selfish move and maybe if I can change my mindset then I can be happy... I am not even sure we can afford to split anyway! I'm sorry, this is a long ramble and I appreciate I am the only one who can come up with the final answer, I just needed to get it out there I suppose and see if anyone has any opinions. Thank you for your patience in reading.

[category12]

I would hope he realises the changed behaviour has to be permanent - I'm not liking the "happy to continue [..] if there's light at the end of the tunnel" - being nice should be normal not something he struggles to do.

Obviously he's been awful to you for years and it's no wonder you don't feel the same about him anymore or can't trust him. I would be very worried he would revert as soon as he believes he isn't about to lose you. It isn't selfish to split up after years of this, even if he's trying to change - because you've already given him chances. He's had years to be a decent partner. Sometimes it's too little, too late and that's unfortunate, but it doesn't make you the 'bad guy' when it's him that wore you down.

You deserve to be happy. Can you be?

[SunshineHQ]

I really didn't like the bit in your OP where you said he said that if you split, it would be you that waas responsible for taking everything away from the dcs. That's not right and that's not fair.

As regards the rest - well it sounds as though he is doing more than my Ex managed to do, to try to put things right, but I would also listen to your gut feel. I know what it is like to feel that you should be responding more positively when someone abusive starts to change their behaviour, but it is extremely difficult. I ended up on anti anxiety medication just trying to cope with the strain of all of it, and in the end we still split anyway.

Anyway, just to wish you all the best, and don't ignore your own 'gut feelings'. It may turn around OK, but you shouldn't feel under pressure to force yourself to feel something you don't at the moment, especially when it wasn't you causing the problem in the first place.

[LovelyFriend]

As Dolly Parton says "love is like a butterfly". Cheesy but it does illustrate that even if your H now manages to be Mr Perfect from now on, it doesn't mean his past behaviour hasn't destroyed your love for him.

Maybe your feelings will never recover from the damage living with Mr Angry has inflicted on them. And that is a fairly normal and natural response.

You are not to blame for falling out of love with someone who has been so difficult and destructive for so long.

[Handywoman]

This improved behaviour is an effort to sustain. He says he'll continue 'if there's light I at the end of the tunnel' so it's conditional. And he'll blame you for the split if it happens. Which indicates he really takes no responsibility for how he's made you and the dc feel.

He hasn't really changed at all, has he.

Perhaps you sense that. Or perhaps he killed the love with a thousand cuts.... by being an arse and making you a second class citizen in your own home.

You don't need anyone's approval to leave this abusive relationship. You can just leave. And have a better life, even if the finances are difficult. Just think if how it would be to live in peace in your own home- it's priceless really.

[Jan45]

So he doesn't blame you and the kids for him being a complete bastard, big of him.

Another one who is saying he is putting an act on then to reel you in again and then the shit behaviour starts up again.

He's just a thoroughly unpleasant person, simple as that.

He's also trying to make you feel guilty and selfish for not wanting to spend the rest of you life with a nasty piece of work, great example of a fucked up relationship for your children.

Really, do you have to ask?

[QuiteLikely5]

I'm afraid it is impossible for someone to switch characters like this overnight. Unfortunately it is just an act to keep you hooked.

He will not be able to keep it up for long and if he truly wanted too then he needs a qualified therapist.

I'm not surprised the love is gone from your side.