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How to tell her she's a grandmother to an 8mo?

(55 Posts)
Atlantis90 Sat 10-Oct-15 21:39:21

Hi I'm in need of a bit of help! I have an 8mo and his father has nothing to do with him (his choice) and has never even asked how he is. I work to support my son and it can be a struggle but I'm blessed to have him and we get by. My ex lives with his mum and stepdad (he moved back in with them as soon as I told him I was pregnant after two years together). He doesn't work or claim benefits to avoid paying anything. I'm more bothered about the lack of contact though as my son will miss out.

My ex's family don't even know my son exists. I've been thinking about it a lot and I would want to know if I had a grandson and I'm sure his mum would. We never met but I looked her up and found an address. I'm thinking of sending a letter with some pictures. Do you wise people think it's a good idea? Would you want to know? Any advice on what to write? Thanks a lot!

mrstweefromtweesville Sat 10-Oct-15 22:55:48

First identify what you want out of this, for yourself and for your son.

usual Sat 10-Oct-15 22:59:23

Were you in contact with her for the two years you were together?

I think I would tell her, yes.

PenelopePitstops Sat 10-Oct-15 23:03:13

Think carefully about it. Can you cope with the rejection if she decides she doesn't want anything to do with you?

Be clear about what you want, do you want another grandma? A link with your child's father? Money? Support?

Bogeyface Sat 10-Oct-15 23:14:00

Is that you want your child to have contact with his other granparents?

Or are you hoping that his mother will give him a kick up the arse and insist that he sees your DS and pay towards his upkeep?

It wont happen. Firstly, if she is happy for him to live there with no money coming in (or at best, dodgy money) then she isnt going to be too bothered about his lack of financial support.

Also, ime, apples generally dont fall too far from the parental tree, so even if she did want to see DS it would be for her benefit not DSs and may actually make the whole situation worse.

Personally I would let sleeping dogs lie as you have no idea what will wake up.....

Zoeee88 Sun 11-Oct-15 00:49:01

Like the others have said, decide what you want from potential relationship.

At least if you get in contact, you have done everything possible on your side. And it may be that she is horrified by her sone behaviour (sometimes behaviour sudddenly becomes unacceptable when a grandchild is involved).

Prepare yourself for her to reject you and your child however, but at least you will have done what you feel is right.

Atenco Sun 11-Oct-15 04:17:10

Brilliant comments from all the other posts, but otherwise it would be great for your child to have contact with his paternal grandparents, if it works out.

RedButtonhole Sun 11-Oct-15 05:26:46

My DS is 6 now, his father has never met him and has no intention of having anything to do with him.

As a result, DS has never met his paternal grandparents or his half-brother either.

I wasn't sure what to do about this, but my mum explained that the involvement of his paternal family is his father's responsibility. It is not my place to go chasing him or them for contact, especially when he wants nothing to do with us himself.

I decided to leave it, I didn't want my son to be put in the middle of arguments and complicated relationships, court proceedings over payments, contact etc. Six years on, he has a wonderful relationship with my own family and close friends, hasn't missed out on anything that other children with two sets of grandparents have and is a happy content little boy.

If the other half of the family want to be invlved (don't even know if they know he exists) then I wouldn't block them off, but it's not my job to tell them about him. His father is responsible for his relationship with their family, even if he has shirked all other responsibilities to our child.

Atlantis90 Sun 11-Oct-15 06:16:30

Sorry everyone I fell asleep! Thanks for all the great advice. I think I just want her to know she has a grandson. I wouldn't expect anything back. They live a couple of hours away and I've never met her.

My ex's dad left when he was about 6 and they never saw him again so I thought maybe she might have some compassion. If I get a negative response it's no loss if I get a positive one then great.

Another concern is if grandparents have any rights? So could she take me to court for joint custody or anything like that?

Scarydinosaurs Sun 11-Oct-15 07:03:05

She might galvanise her son to get access to allow them to have joint custody- is this something you'd want?

You have no idea what she's like. I wouldn't risk it.

MagicAlwaysLeadsToTrouble Sun 11-Oct-15 07:12:33

Grandparents have no right to access though I agree with scarydinosaurs there is a chance she will insist her son does seeks contact (perhaps for herself to see your son) and that could impact you and your life considerably.

Leave it. It's up to him to tell her.

Atlantis90 Sun 11-Oct-15 07:12:36

Scarydinosaurs I hadn't thought of that. No it isn't as I wouldn't feel comfortable with my son being there without me. It's far, I still breastfeed and as you say I don't know what she is like. My ex wasn't the nicest sometimes and I would hate to think he would act that way towards my son. I think I just felt bad because I can't imagine having a granchild out there and never knowing.

WildStallions Sun 11-Oct-15 07:16:26

While you were in the relationship you never met her - then don't contact her now.

They're just not a 'play happy families' type of a family.

Also, you think she'd want to know. But you do t owe her anything. Not even this knowledge.

Atlantis90 Sun 11-Oct-15 07:19:09

Wildstallions you're right I don't owe her anything. My son does have plenty of love in his life. I just want to do the best for him

Headofthehive55 Sun 11-Oct-15 07:41:50

It is absolutely right that you tell her. It is your DSs right that he has the opportunity to have other grandparents in his life.

I have a cousin that we were prevented from seeing, by his mum, as my uncle didn't want to know. However, we wanted to know him! He eventually found an old address and traced his grandparents. Sadly one had died and he was ever so sad he had not known them.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 11-Oct-15 07:50:47

Hive, this is not about 'preventing' contact. If paternal grandma finds out about her grandson through her son, the OP would be delighted to support contact. But as it is, the child's father doesn't want to know, and hasn't seen fit to tell his own mother (about whom the OP knows absolutely nothing) that he's a father. It's not OP's call to do anything other than leave the door open.

Atlantis90 Sun 11-Oct-15 07:51:31

Thanks headofthehive, this is why I'm so torn as to what the right thing to do is. I'm just very scared of things turning nasty.

Atlantis90 Sun 11-Oct-15 07:54:53

Walkacross - you're right I wouldn't prevent contact. I have left the door open and asked my ex if he would like updates and photos etc but he said no. He managed a "congratulations" when I told him my son had been born a month premature. That's all he said, no concern for him at all.

happyending14 Sun 11-Oct-15 07:59:13

A friend of mine had a letter out of the blue telling her that she was a grandmother. She was over the moon. Her son hadn't wanted anything to do with the child but she built up a relationship with her grandson and saw him every weekend.

captainproton Sun 11-Oct-15 08:01:24

How do you know your ex has no income? Have you pursued him for maintenance. I think if it were me I would ask CMS to take a look, he's bound to earn something in the next 18 years.

If you do pursue him for CMS he will probably tell his parents. You might have a difficult start with them but unless your ex is named on birth certificate he's not going to get joint custody. He has gone some big legal hoops to jump through first. And no one is going to award 50:50 contact if they live far away.

Unless you think the ex is violent/abusive or you are rolling in money I would pursue maintenance, and agree to some contact for sake of your child.

Mehitabel6 Sun 11-Oct-15 08:11:20

I am grandmother age and would feel really cheated if I had a grandchild that I didn't know existed. The child also has a right to know more than half his family history.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Sun 11-Oct-15 08:55:43

Mehitabel6 you may feel cheated but surely you'd blame the arse that was your son.
I also agree with the apple not falling far from the tree.

Atlantis90 Sun 11-Oct-15 09:25:26

Captainproton - because he does cash in hand work. I am going to start a cms claim and I'm considering reporting it to the hmrc. He's not named on the bc, he wouldn't come when i registered ds. Thanks, I didn't know how easy/hard it would be for someone to pursue custody.

Mehitabel - I know but I can't force my ex to have contact. I can only tell my son everything I know about his dad. He's had ample opportunity to tell his family and have contact. I'm already bringing up my son and supporting him in every way so I thought he would at least do that. I am not trying to cheat anyone and am considering telling her hence this post.

diddl Sun 11-Oct-15 09:36:01

I think that because you haven't met her then I'd leave it.

Two years with him & you nevermet his mum?

Is that odd?

I agree that it's up to him to tell his mum.

starlight2007 Sun 11-Oct-15 09:46:47

I think you could create a whole mess you don't want..Firstly you don't know G parents don't know. He should of told them.

If you didn't meet in 2 years they don't sound like a close loving family.

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