thought porn problem was history & he proposed - now feel stuck

[MadameLeBean]

My partner and I have been together five years. Long story short a year ago I found out about his unhealthy habit (at the start of our relationship I was quite "open minded" about porn - until it started to affect our relationship) and all of the lying (well most of it). We stayed together I forgave him & he promised it was no longer an issue, had a brief stint of therapy. It turns out I had no idea how bad it was even "when it all came out". Worst thing is that our relationship has been mostly fantastic since then & he proposed to me. I was over the moon & not 5wks later I discovered him wanking at the computer, he says he was able to separate it so completely from our relationship but I don't know if I can even accept that. He knew it was not okay, he knew he had issues that he had not been completely honest with me about and he failed to come and speak to me when they returned. I thought we were so close and could share everything - even difficult things. Now all our family and friends are expecting a wedding date to be set in the next couple of weeks (we were days away from booking the venue when I found out). My engagement ring looks meaningless to me, before it was the most precious thing and made me so happy. He lied to me about other stuff as well, little things but just so that he would not have to face any criticism or conflict of interest - he wanted to do what he wanted in spite of our relationship, despite me being open and generous to him having his own time and own interests. I'm so confused and hurt, he was my best friend. He is now in therapy in earnest - he knows it requires deep psychological change. I know I cannot change him but I believe it's possible for people to change themselves. He's always hidden problems from himself and others as a way of coping, avoiding intimacy & keeping part of himself separate in order to not feel vulnerable. Do I just cut my losses and leave? I hate that he has made this decision so much more binary by us getting engaged.

[MadameLeBean]

I have less than a week to decide

[MadameLeBean]

We own a house together & I have a child from a previous relationship who loves him dearly, she is 9. So it isn't very easy to "just leave"

[hauntedbytheghost]

Tbh I don't really see why wanking over porn while in a relationship is a problem, but maybe I'm just weird?

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

Most men look at Porn. Especially now that it's so accessible on the internet. You could leave him if you really hate it, but I'm afraid that your next BF will probably also look at porn. If everything else is ok, I'd try to get past this. It's not cheating. It's just sexual gratification when he can't have sex with you. If he starts wanting porn instead of you - well, then you've got a problem.

[Epilepsyhelp]

I would be seriously considering getting out based on the lying. I was with someone for four years who was a compulsive liar, in his mind to avoid conflict or criticism but of course it leads to so much more of both than there ever would have been for the original issue.

I didn't realise how bad it was until my next relationship, the relief of not wondering whether everything he said was truth or lies..

[CremeBrulee]

Honestly? Unless you want to spend the rest your life not knowing if your other half is sneaking about using porn behind your back, I think you should cut your losses and run for the hills.

It's easier said than done I know, but if you don't have any DCs with him, then move on.

[hauntedbytheghost]

"He lied to me about other stuff as well, little things but just so that he would not have to face any criticism or conflict of interest"

What kind of things?

[pocketsaviour]

Why do you only have a week to decide? You mean before you need to pay a deposit on a venue?

If you want to give him another chance and stay, then do that, but put wedding plans on hold. If you don't want to tell family about it (I would, although not the intimate details, just say you found out he'd been lying about stuff) then just say you want to have a bit longer to save up, or that you can't agree on a venue yet.

You know him and we don't, so you are in the best position to say whether he can and will change. What would concern me is that he's only entered therapy when it's got to breaking point, rather than him realising he has a problem and seeking help.

I thought we were so close and could share everything - even difficult things.
You now know this isn't the case. You've been open to him, but he hasn't with you. Only you can decide whether this means he's not the man you thought he was at all.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

It might not be easy to just leave but it isn't hard to put marriage-plans on hold. I'd put them on hold indefinitely. What you cannot do, or must not do is just go ahead hoping that this counselling or whatever therapy he's undergoing will "fix" him and his nasty, solitary pursuits. Once you've tied the knot he'll possibly have no reason or motivation to address his problems and you could be facing a life-time of the same old shit

[pocketsaviour]

Also meant to add, I assume that you mean he has been wanking to porn compulsively, and turning down sex with you. If he's just having the occasional one off the wrist when you're not there or don't feel like it, I wouldn't have a problem with that. But lying is a problem, and I really hate it when someone does it to avoid conflict. It's just bloody cowardly.

[Joysmum]

I'm not anti porn but I am anti anything that impacts negatively on a relationship.
Mid this has and and his therapy and knowing your feelings on this haven't helped then you can't ever expect things to be any different and would marry him knowing the porn and lies is what you'd get.

[MadameLeBean]

Wow I can't believe some people are saying most men use porn, get over it. I wouldn't be posting this if his usage was the occasional wank when we weren't having sex or I was away, etc. Or even if it was more frequent but he was open about it! I'm talking about years of secretive behaviour &lying about it, I only started to have an issue with it when I realised he was doing it far more than we had sex, and turning down sex with me. I got to the point where I found it a threat because it WAS a threat.

The little lies were things like: I was only in the pub for 1 drink (even though I'd have no issue if it was more), really stupid pointless stuff, not being upfront about what he really wanted & then resenting it, etc

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

Ah. That is a problem then. And at this stage you should be in the honeymoon period. Yet to come are babies, sleepless nights, lack of sex....how will things escalate then? Oh dear, I just don't know what the answer is. Can you accept him the way he is? I doubt he'll change. So that's the 64 million dollar question. Do you love him enough to take him as he is, warts and all. And only you can answer that. Good luck x

[CremeBrulee]

Madame, what about you? What impact has his porn use /addiction and his lying had on your self esteem and on your relationship?

Can you live with this as a recurring pattern of behaviour? How will you feel next time you catch him?

[MadameLeBean]

I can't live with it, the lying made me terribly insecure & anxious. I had 8 months of therapy for self esteem issues, I learned to trust him again, I finally felt relaxed secure & confident again only to discover that he was still at it

[CremeBrulee]

I'm so sorry Madame.

You can't marry this man. Imagine 25+ years on this carousel of unhappiness. You will sacrifice your youth, happiness, self esteem and sanity in the end.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would be wanting to show my child a more positive example of a relationship tbh and it appears that you and he need to be apart.

Not all men use porn by any means and you do not have to accept this at all.

This is no firm basis to get married, this relationship is still really shaky. Porn, lies and now hes in yet more therapy. He still has massive problems with intimacy which likely predate you as well by many years. I think your DD also deserves a better example of a stepfather in her life.

[MissApple]

Oh God please don't do it! Imagine life in 10 years time...you'll be stuck as you will have accepted it by marrying him. Please think very carefully.

[kittybiscuits]

You have as long as you wish to make up your mind. Living with a porn wankaholic is no fun at all.

[MadameLeBean]

It's so hard to let go of 5 years of precious memories, our life as a family, bringing my daughter up. I don't feel strong enough. I still feel like I love him dearly.

[MadameLeBean]

You are right I worry about the future, life is stressful anyway ...

[PeopleLieActionsDont]

The lying is a serious problem. It's massively disrespectful to just say whatever is easiest, in order to avoid conflict. This will set the pattern for your life. And that's before you get onto the porn issue, which is a problem if you hate it and he won't give it up!

[Sweetsweetjane]

I lived with a porn addict, I was miserable. We're now divorced and share parenting. I'm much happier not constantly paranoid or checking.

[goddessofsmallthings]

It seems your '5 years of precious memories' are based on the shifting sands of his lies and, while you're not obliged to 'let go' of them, you are best advised to disabuse yourself of any notion that your fiance is marriage worthy.

As Attila has said, he is not a suitable role model for your dd and, if you are sufficiently weak willed to marry him, it won't be surprising if she finds herself where you are now in 20 or so years time.

It's highly unlkely that he'll to adhere to his marriage vows and you're best advised to continue your engagement until such time as he proves without doubt that he is worthy of you, and of your precious dd, or you are able to summons the strength of mind to end a relationship which has been based more on your wishful thinking than a realistic appraisal of his character and his suitability as a husband and stepfather.

This man has lied to you time and time again and there's no reason to suppose that he'll change his ways if you're stupid enough to marry him. You deserve a lot more - and so does your dd.

[MadameLeBean]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am not booking the venue, wedding plans are on hold indefinitely. I have told my mum everything and I'm going to see my therapist again (alone).
Partner is being the model boyfriend at the moment & he is in crisis personally but of course only now that he is at risk of losing everything that he previously took for granted. That's what worries me. Although he apparently had been thinking of speaking to me about it - but was not man enough to actually be honest and tell me.
Sometimes I think he's emotionally 13.