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Had enough, getting out! Lies, rage, debt, porn, secret email, POF account and escorts

(32 Posts)
Newstart2016 Sat 10-Oct-15 13:56:35

Trouble is, how do I go about ending this....? DC 15 months oldsmile The house is mine we're not married but without his contribution to the bills I would really struggle. We moved here together nearly three years ago, but he struggled to sell, so in my name only and I paid large deposit on it, no contribution from him. I would need to sell up, so plan to get this process started before chucking him out. I work full time and so does OH. I know for a fact he won't give me much in the way of money to help out. How did others do it? I'm fortunate I'm probably in a better position than most, still daunting.

pocketsaviour Sat 10-Oct-15 14:03:31

It's excellent news that the house is in your name and you're not married. Unless he has contributed large sums of money for improvements since he moved in, he shouldn't have a claim on any of the value.

I'd suggest ringing round solicitors on Monday, get a free half hour appointment with one (or several - get a range of advice) and ask them how to proceed, how to get him out, etc. My understanding is that you can legally just ask him to go, but have to give him "reasonable" notice. "Reasonable" is not defined but 4 weeks should be more than fair.

He will be required to pay maintenance for his child until the age of 18. You can see how much this should be here: Child Maintenance calculator

When you see the solicitor, ask if it's worth getting a formal separation agreement done with the maintenance figure set down. However, be aware that these can only be enforced for 12 months after agreement, and then you'd be back tor relying on the CSA.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 10-Oct-15 14:21:45

Why not just chuck him out now and find yourself a lodger to help towards the household expenses, and then sell later once the dust has settled? If the mortgage cannot be afforded in the short-term speak to your lender as they may agree to you going interest-only until you can sell up. This could depend on how much equity you have, the amount of the deposit, and how much of the mortgage-loan you have paid off. Honestly, all is not lost and I know showing him the door would be infinitely preferable than being shackled to this effing loser for the foreseeable.

He could have a claim on some of the equity if that's increased since you bought the property IF he made an equal contribution towards the mortgage-payments and can prove it BUT he'd likely have to take you to court to enforce it. The expense of doing this could be greater than any "share" he might have acquired. You'll have agents fees, conveyancing costs and moving expenses if you're forced to move and I'd make it clear 100% of them would be coming out of his hypothetical share, as it's his vile behaviour that would be forcing it. Why should you be out of pocket because he's a lying and betraying cunt?

ILiveAtTheBeach Sat 10-Oct-15 14:24:16

Yes, he will HAVE to pay child maintenance. If he doesn't, the CSA can pursue payment, via an attachment of earnings order. They can also suspend his driving licence. They can also put him in jail. So, when doing your sums, count what you're due.

Your Council Tax will now reduce by 25%, as you are the sole adult occupier.

You may qualify for Tax Credits. Here is the calculator.

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Child Benefit is paid to the mother also, so you'll get that.

Regarding your debts, you may qualify for an IVA (England) or Trust Deed (Scotland). Basically, all of your debts (not including mortgage) are added up to calculate your total debt. You work out how much you can pay per month and that amount is divided between all your creditors. This can be substantially less than what you would be paying monthly at the moment. After 3 years, any debt still outstanding is written off and you are debt free.

If you are struggling to pay the mortgage, obviously you could move to a cheaper house, but, if you don't want to do this, there is a Government scheme. Not sure what its called. CAB would help. I think you pay 25% of the interest only, for 2 years. By then you're expected to back on your feet.

Hope this helps! x

Verypissedoffwife Sat 10-Oct-15 14:24:39

Are you sure you couldn't afford to live there on your own? You must have passed the affordability checks if you bought it in your own name.

Would you be entitled to any tax credits? He'd have to pay child support too. Would you consider a lodger?

Newstart2016 Sat 10-Oct-15 14:31:53

Thanks pocketsaviour, He contributes less than he should for his daughter, but I guess that's up to her Mum to pursue, although I have pointed this out to him in the past, as for his teenage son, who's lived with my OHs Mum (his Gran)for the past 7 years he contributes nothing! I'd be lucky to get minimum... He's contributed, financially nothing to the house. My question is, I can't afford the bills without him here, although would like to ask him to leave as soon as possible. How do people make ends meet till in a more stable smaller home...? I need to sell this place first.

Newstart2016 Sat 10-Oct-15 14:52:08

Wow thanks guys, food for thought. I never considered a lodger. Although the thought makes me a bit nervous with my 15 month old in the house. It would have to be a well vetted person I would think, even then you never really know who you're going to get.
He really would have no stake on the house, I'm pretty sure of that, I've paid off 12 k of his debt, I have no debt, but the process of doing that, supporting my own Mat leave and putting a sizeable deposit down on this house means I have no extra funds left, or he'd have been out yesterday.... I couldn't afford to live here on my own as I'd have sizeable childcare costs as OH is threatening to change jobs which means losing the daddycare (2 days) we currently have. And I'm due back 5 days in the New Year.

mayhew Sat 10-Oct-15 15:02:14

I know several single parents who have lodgers. Some become great friends and occasional baby sitters. I have a student lodger after leaving my job unexpectedly. This works well for us.

The income is tax free!

brokenhearted55a Sat 10-Oct-15 15:09:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newstart2016 Sat 10-Oct-15 15:11:11

Hmmm, now that's got me thinking. A lodger would really help with the bills in the short term anyway, until I move. Thanks guys

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 10-Oct-15 15:27:18

Income from a lodger: it used to be 4250 per annum before you had to declare it for income-tax purposes. Under recent legislation it's either been increased to 7500 or is about to be.

Really, despite having a lodger causing a loss of some privacy I would find it infinitely more preferable than giving house-room to this bloody twat.

Depending on where you're located, there are loads of people looking for Monday-to-Friday lodgings for work, who then go home to their families at the weekends.

Verypissedoffwife Sat 10-Oct-15 15:59:40

I bet when you tot up all you've spent on subsidising him over the years you may not be much worse off on your own. You'll get a council tax discount, cheaper grocery bills, utilities will go down if he's been off work.

whateverloser Sat 10-Oct-15 16:38:25

I had a very similar situation with the behaviour of my exh. My tax credits increased considerably because his income wasn't taken into account and I was paying childcare. Contact them straight away- I wasted weeks and shouldn't have. Mine has avoided child maintenance for 18 months- it is going to court next month. I have five dcs, pay child care and work full time. We manage because we have to. We sold stuff to make ends meet. Anything is better than living with a liar.

Newstart2016 Sat 10-Oct-15 18:41:20

He's just not the person I thought he was, stupidly there were signs early on, it's amazing what I'll forgive, or believe for a short time anyway, but enough is enough I'm so angry with myself for being so stupid! Only good thing to come out of this is my beautiful wee boy....

Your comments have been great, I've had a look at our joint account ( house account) and really when split up his debt payment comes off and other child support I can just about manage if I had a lodger, so I'm going to look into that. A professional person working in the city 5 days would be ideal!

Whateverloser sounds like you can relate then. I've looked into tax credits before and wasn't eligible for them, is there an income cut off or would an increase in childcare costs mean I get some tax relief?
Verypissedoffwife you're so right it would be cheaper when shot of him.

whateverloser Sat 10-Oct-15 18:54:42

If you are paying full time nursery costs on one income, you may well get help. I have 5dcs though, so financially would be screwed without tax credits- I'd have to give up work which would devastate me. I'm a year and a half on. I didn't think I'd manage, but we have and we do ok. I am very careful with food shopping- we don't waste anything and I am very careful how much I spend. We were very wasteful previously, which I didn't really realise. It can be done, just have to be brave x

mrstweefromtweesville Sat 10-Oct-15 19:01:31

Do see a solicitor, and get financial advice.

[aside: I almost clicked on the 'Child Maintenance Calculator', then remembered that the ex died this year and the dd is 33 blush ...]

Newstart2016 Sat 10-Oct-15 19:46:07

You're right whateverloser I'm sure if I accounted a bit more for the pennies and budgeted I could do this, just psyching myself up for the day I tell him to go, need this info for confidence to follow through sooner rather than later. So fed up with him. Mrstwee shock your ex died at 33 yrs or your daughter is 33?!...

Verypissedoffwife Sat 10-Oct-15 21:42:06

I'm not sure what the cut off is for tax credits but there are online calculators - it used to be called turn2us so try googling that.

If you're not elegible could you get childcare vouchers through work? I think your can get 243 per month which come off gross income so are "tax free"

Hope you get sorted wine

Thefutureisbright2017 Sun 13-Nov-16 13:30:16

Update- one year on. I left they lying bastard. Put all my eggs into one basket and got a place of my own. Sooo much better, happy to be rid. Just sorry i have to stay in touch for ds sake... he is entirely unreasonable and difficult at times but hesitate to say a bit better than he was.

SarcasmMode Sun 13-Nov-16 13:45:38

So glad to hear it!

Hope he pays maintenance too -

Best of luck to you and DS.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 13-Nov-16 14:15:15

The future really is brighter! Good for you, I'm so happy you bit the bullet. No-one needs a lying, debt-ridden scumbag in their life.

Lelloteddy Sun 13-Nov-16 14:25:34

You can check out your eligibility for tax credits on Entitledto.com

fruitbats Sun 13-Nov-16 14:29:34

I'm glad things are looking up for you OP. You are well rid of him.

SleepingTiger Sun 13-Nov-16 15:57:54

Leaving the mortgage aside, household bills are normally manageable. The mortgage you may be able to remortgage at under 2% which will soften the blow until your earnings rise and you can pay off more or save.

Forget him contributing anything, his dick has high expectations, expensive ones. Wanks would be cheaper, but he is entitled. He will put those expenses first.

Get a lodger - it's 7,500 per annum tax free now.

Don't play victim and move out to a smaller house. That will be wholly your choice not his. Circumstance is yours, not a god to fear.

Ride The Wave.

Atenco Sun 13-Nov-16 16:05:02

Apart from interviewing the lodger and deciding whether they are compatible or not, how much do you think you should vet them?

How much would you vet a babysitter or an au pair, who would be left alone with your child?

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