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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The older man thing

30 replies

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 09:23

Hi all,

I was hoping to hear your experiences and stories.

I'm in a new relationship with a guy in his mid forties (I'm late twenties) and honestly it's the happiest I've been in a relationship. Despite having his shit together he's a young soul so although he obviously brings more life experience to the table, we enjoy doing a lot of the same things.

I just feel very conscious of others' view of the relationship and wanted to hear from you. Have you ever been in a relationship with such a big age gap? Can it work in the long term? I really want it to.

OP posts:

Report

ifiwereuidhatemetoo · 10/10/2015 09:26

Yes it can. My friend is married with 3 children to a man almost 20 years older than her. They are a very happy family. Life can throw you lots of curve balls no matter what your age.

Ohjellybelly · 10/10/2015 09:44

I believe it can work. I'm in a relationship with a guy 16 years younger then me. We're honestly very happy and currently expecting our first child together.

Yes, we occasionally get the 'looks' but surprisingly there is little negativity. Once people see us together they realise that we are a great match.

If it works, it works no matter what the ages.

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 09:47

Jelly belly that's lovely to hear, congratulations. Nice to see it flipped around, too. I don't get the looks too often, but hate it when I do, as if I were some kind of dumb dollybird...

OP posts:

Aramynta · 10/10/2015 09:50

My DH is 11 years older than me (29 and 40). He is on the younger side of my preferences but I have always dated men between 10 and 25 years older than me. I only dated two people around my age and they were actually the rockiest of relationships i've had.

VocationalGoat · 10/10/2015 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scatterthenuns · 10/10/2015 10:03

It definitely can work. The only reservations I would have would be if the age gap was large enough to almost certainly guarantee being widowed with a long way to go myself.

squidzin · 10/10/2015 10:03

I have had three major relationships. (with many fun flings between lol!).
1st was with a boy same age as me through college/uni days. It was alright we were more like friends though and it got boring.

I left him in my twenties for a man of 48yo. He was like a God in my eyes! A real emperor. He was a rock star type musician and still handsome. We actually looked great together and I had the most fun adventures I'd ever known. He was full of experiences and knowledge. We lasted 4 years but ultimately he was too narcissistic and didn't treat me well. The age gap was noticeable but worked because we were compatible.

I am now with a man 15 years older than me. He is kind, wise, loving, financially secure and we now have a 10mo ds. He is the best person in the world, young at heart, well travelled, the age difference does not even register.

Our son will grow up with a much older father to his friends, but I am young so really it will have no significance.

Don't worry about it x

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 10/10/2015 10:05

Dh is 16 years older than me. We have been together almost 11 years now and have 6 dcs. It can work

squidzin · 10/10/2015 10:29

Wow 6dc ! Envious
I'm hoping for 3 but will settle for 2.

Donotknowhownottomind · 10/10/2015 10:34

Dh is 12 years older than me and with hindsight I probably would not have got into a relationship with someone who was already so established (I was 27 and he was 39 when we got together). He holds the balance of power refusing to do things like put the family home in joint names (which would make me feel more secure) despite the fact that we have been together 19 years and have 3 DC . I think age is a factor here as I got together with someone who was bitter about his divorce and determined to not trust anybody much it seems - and who was much further down the financially secure line than me as it were so all I did was fit into his system iyswim. Am now 46 to his 59 and the lack of financial control that I have (though not on a day to day basis) really grates.

Sex wise I am also finding that h seems to have completely lost interest (though he is stressed and exhausted) while I really haven't and sometimes feel asexual as we are so much like flatmates. Not saying that wouldn't happen with someone who is the same age but our age gap is a factor here too I think.

GrammarTool · 10/10/2015 10:50

My stbxh is 12 years older than me. The age gap was never, ever an issue, except for music choice on long car trips

We separated because of issues completely unrelated to age.

Donotknow- One big issue throughout a lot of our marriage was that HIS sex drive was always higher than MINE. I think this is a really individual thing as age never affected him this way.

He was 37 and I was 25 when we got together- 50 and 38 when we separated.

Currently dating a man 9 years older than me - so for me a really small age gap!!

squidzin · 10/10/2015 10:59

Donotknowhow, Yes I would say in my 1st relationship with a much older man, there definitely was an element of "I like a younger lady because I can control her easily / I can clearly dominate in this relationship".
So I ditched him.

DP (father to DS) who is 15 y older than me, has no intention to control or take the upper hand. He is supportive, generous, and we enrich each others lives.

I think it depends on the individual man. So OP do take care to watch out whether he sees you as an "easy" girlfriend, or an "equal" one.

peanutnutter · 10/10/2015 12:46

Dh is 18 years older than me and we've been happily married for 25 years. If he makes you happy just enjoy it

dippydeedoo · 10/10/2015 12:56

im in the most fantastic relationship with a man who is 20 plus years older then me -its fab i love it we have a great time and im happy.
i hada long term relationship with my childrens father and he was 17 years older than me.
i definitely think older men are just nicer lol x

CaptainSubtext · 10/10/2015 13:20

DH is 18 years older than me and we've been very happy for the 13 years since we met (13 years yesterday in fact). 2 DCs. We are very much equal so although I can see how controlling behaviour might be an issue, it isn't in our case at all :)

I'm actually closer to my DSCs' age than DH's but we all get on, it just 'works'. Some people have taken the piss and said it's weird, but... meh. I'm not trying to be another mum to them (they have a mum already!) I'm just CaptainSubtext IYSWIM but at the same time they know they can turn to me, and do. I'm really close to one of my DSCs in particular and in a way we're more like sisters (people often think we are as she's grown up quite similar to me, poor thing! :o) - we are going to London next week, just the two of us, as we share a geeky interest and it's 'our thing' (her words!).

Life has thrown us a few curveballs and that included me having to care for DH for a while as he got an injury, and that did cause a lot of stress. But if anything it just showed how anything can happen to anyone, at any time - I then got very ill myself and now have a disability, so he is more of a carer for me (he is now fighting fit again himself, off to another half marathon tomorrow :o) even though I'm the younger one. I'm glad I didn't walk away because of what 'could' happen - because I would have lost out on what did happen - a very happy, close, loving marriage and family :)

Elendon · 10/10/2015 13:39

I'm 54 and on the dating scene after a 20 year relationship. I cannot imagine dating someone who is 74 (they do exist). I'm setting my age limit to 10 years plus, but I very much want a sexual relationship (my older brothers tell me this won't happen). So far, so hopeless.

I can get all the younger men I want, but it would be one night stands or a few months of sex, at best - which is nice.

pieceofpurplesky · 10/10/2015 13:50

The only thing I would say op is that if he has children he may not want more. A friend found herself in a similar situation

scatterthenuns · 10/10/2015 14:15

This video speaks loudly and honestly about the impacts on a relationship that a larger age gap can have:

DiscoGoGo · 10/10/2015 14:19

Op I don't think that is an unusually massive age gap - sure it's not super-common but not remarkable either IYSWIM.

I would be more uncommon if it were the other way around I think.

Elendon what's wrong with younger men? If you're 54 and looking 10 years up, why not 10 years down too? I mean that's only down as far as 44 which is quite grown up isn't it - I mean it's older than me! - the way you talk about it is like most people would talk about 20yo! Or when you say younger do you mean 20yo?

Elendon · 10/10/2015 15:01

Disco, it's not that I don't want to meet men, but just I want men around my own age, five years either side.

To me that's equal, but men around my age want much younger women, and certainly not older.

Hotpatootietimewarp · 10/10/2015 15:54

My DH is 10 years older than me and I can honestly say that even though I'm only 27 we like all the same things are always having a laugh together and are always talking and our 2 DC have only made us stronger, he is also like a dad to my DD from a previous relationship. It may be because I act older than I am I don't know

Robotgirl · 10/10/2015 15:55

If it feels good, go with it

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DiscoGoGo · 10/10/2015 16:41

But Elendon you say you can get all the younger men you want and they aren't all going to be after a quick shag any more than the older men - and if all the older men are touting for much younger women then they don't sound much use either TBH!

Good luck I do hope you meet someone nice. My DH is younger (not loads! just 5 years) and I've always gone out with younger men so don't rule them out completely

CarriesBucketOfBlood · 10/10/2015 17:03

I don't think age necessarily matters, it is more about life stages.

As a student, it was weird to see someone who wasn't a student, even if they were the same age. We had completely different lifestyles and expectations.
Now, trying to get into a career, it would be weird to see someone who had no career ambition or had reached their peak of work.

If you are both at the same life stage, be it career, DC, second marriages, companions or just a fun and passionate relationship with nowhere to go, then I believe it has a good chance at working.

CPtart · 10/10/2015 17:14

I'm sure it can work, but biologically at least there's no getting away from the fact he is medically around 15 years older than you. Probably not an issue until for another 20 years or so, but I have known wives of older men feel incredibly frustrated and depressed as they become carers or indeed widows earlier than they may have anticipated. I know younger people can become ill etc, but that's much less likely.
20 years of good times is along time though.

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