Am I being awful? Relationship with Granny (sorry, really long!)

[Stroan]

In the interests of not drip feeding, I'm going to try to include as much background as I can.

I've lived at least 2 hours away from home for 12 years, and out of necessity been very independent. I'm quite private - I speak to my parents & siblings often but I've never been the type to phone other family members for a regular chat etc. Nor have they!

Now, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and admittedly, I feel a bit smothered by the sudden interest in every aspect of our lives which may be clouding my judgement.

Most people have backed off but my granny is causing a bit of upset and I'm not sure if I'm perhaps being harsh?

We've never been at all close, she's generally quite mean and critical , always telling me how fat or useless I was. We had very little to do with her when we were kids - work, holidays and hobbies always came first. She forgot birthdays and visited when she wanted something. In my late teens, my uncle started a family. She gave up some work and a lot of her hobby time to look after his two girls. She was OBSESSED and frequently told us and others how much she loved being a granny for the first time.

Now, my cousins are older and don't want to spend much time with her. She's retired (although is still in her 60s) and has a lot more time on her hands so seem to have turned her attention to my siblings and I.

She was angry that I didn't let her announce my pregnancy on Facebook. I got daily messages telling me how heartbroken she was that she couldn't share HER good news, then she did it anyway.

Comments started about how she never heard from me. By text, by email, in conversation with others and most irritatingly, on random Facebook posts by other family or friends. For example, my Dad came to help with some DIY, posted about it and she commented that it would be nice to hear from me for a change.

I had the chance to get her some freebies through work in return for answering a few questions - not a favour to me but something I thought she might enjoy doing. I arranged free travel & took her for lunch - she spent the entire time complaining about my cousins. That night, I had a big bleed and had to go to hospital but called and thanked her for her help. She knew about the bleed & didn't acknowledge it. A week later, she was complaining to my sister (in front of several of her friends) that she had done me a favour and I still didn't get in touch with her. I've heard from various friends in that area that if she bumps into them in the street, she tells them how upset she is that she never hears from me,

She's right. I haven't been in touch, I've had a huge amount on this year - new house, high risk pregnancy, so much work pressure that I ended up being signed off. Plus, I rarely spoke to her anyway and only visit 4-5 times a year. I was disappointed that she was complaining so publicly so sent her a message explicity asking her to stop discussing me on social media, with family or with people in our local town. I explained that I was having a tough time and didn't appreciate being a topic of conversation.

She replied saying that she hadn't done anything wrong and was just stating facts, but was sorry that I had taken it the wrong way. I haven't replied, not wanting to continue a pointless argument with someone so stubborn.

She's continued with the Facebook comments and public conversations, including telling people that I have blocked her phone calls (not true, she hasn't called) and she's devastated/heartbroken. My brother has asked me to apologise JUST to get her off everyone else's back. Apologising won't be enough for her though and I don't think I've been unreasonable.

What she wants is for me to regularly call or visit - I've never had this type of relationship with her and don't particularly want to start it now just because I'm having a baby. In fact, especially because I'm having a baby and would really like to concentrate on that. I'm reluctant to start playing by her rules just for an easy life.

So, am I being too harsh? I just want to have an stress-free end to this pregnancy and enjoy my new baby. I don't want to become public property or feel that I have to constantly update family who have never had much involvement before.

(I know how pathetic it sounds to be having issues with a granny on Facebook. I'm more than happy to delete her to limit what hurt she can cause, but imagine that would cause even more trouble so it's a last resort.)

[ihatethecold]

Fuckin hell.
What a nightmare she is being.
She is loving being a victim to anyone who will listen!
That would really drive me nuts.
Op, Concentrate on yourself.
Just ignore the guilty comments.

[ihatethecold]

And do not apologise. You haven't done anything wrong.

[Husbanddoestheironing]

TBH she actually doesn't sound very nice or sound like she cares about you. I would block her on Facebook and do the minimum contact that you feel ok with and not rise to her baiting. If the rest of your family intervene I would say that you get fed up with listening to her moaning about them behind their back every time you see her and you find it too stressful which is obviously not good for you atm, so are cutting down on time with her. Alternatively you could just move 500 miles away....

[Outcomesthebunnyofdeath]

No, your not being to harsh. Its your life and my relationship with my mum has been similar to this.

Best thing i ever did was block her on facebook. As for the rest, ignore it, because without the satisfaction of your attention on facebook or on the phone it will quickly go qiuet and turn to silent bliss apart from the odd family occasion.

[fastdaytears]

What would you actually be apologising for?

[RandomMess]

Is she your Mum or Dad's mum?

I think I'd be asking them to have a serious word with her.

TBH I'd probably just block but then I'm a heartless cow with low tolerance for others' shit these days...

[OurBlanche]

Eugh! That sounds wholly unreasonable of her.

First tell your brother to grow a pair and tell her to back off himself, what a wuss!

As she has already told people you have you probably will feel better if you did block her from as much as possible. Tell your parents and siblings that you simply don't have the energy to deal with her and her selfish ways, ask them to show a united front.

And the LET IT GO! Enjoy your pregnancy and sod her!

[AlmaMartyr]

You're not being too harsh, she sounds like a nightmare.

If your brother wants her to stop going on at him he should tell her that he doesn't want to hear it.

[pocketsaviour]

She's an emotional vampire. The only way to stop these people sucking the life out of you is to get them out of your life. Block her on FB and ask other family members not to pass on any news about you or your baby as you don't want the spiteful old witch within 10 miles of you.

[pocketsaviour]

Meant to say as well:
We've never been at all close, she's generally quite mean and critical , always telling me how fat or useless I was.

And yet your parents didn't protect you from her verbal abuse :( That is disheartening. Please make sure you don't make the same mistake and expose your DD or DS to her toxic, bullying ways.

[BoskyCat]

No, she's being outrageous.

She has never liked you or bothered with you except to be rude and hurtful. Now she thinks you owe her some kind of special treatment simply because she wants to get her hands on your baby!

She doesn't care about you at all, she's just trying to use emotional blackmail and family pressure to get closer to you - because she's obsessed with babies. To this end she's been lying about you and slagging you off!

Very unpleasant and I would be keeping her at arm's length (or more). She would be getting deleted by me (not that I am on FB!) ands told exactly why. She would not be going near my baby either except perhaps to say hi at a family gathering.

This is the last thing you need - block, delete, tell your parents family to keep her off your back thanks very much, so you can do things your own way and in peace.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is this your maternal or paternal grandmother?. Regardless, you are not being at all harsh here, not in the least.

Do not get further sucked into her power and control games. Block her and ignore any of the "flying monkeys" who may now come into get you to make peace with this awful woman (like your brother for instance). They are only acting in their interests (again he wants you to do this to get her off his back) and certainly not yours.

I would keep her well away from your child too. Your role amongst many is to protect them from such toxic influences.

[pallasathena]

She's looking for a new role in life - great granny with bells on - she can spend her days telling anyone who will listen how important she is to you all.
Best not to respond. Silence eventually works but you have to keep it up regardless of pressure from others. Eventually she'll move on to her next target.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

She sounds fucking awful. Don't feed her. She gets off on the drama. Ignore it all. I will bet you that everybody she's bitching to knows exactly what she's like. Don't worry about some mad old bag, enjoy your pregnancy. And beef up your Facebook so that you've not actually blocked her (that'll feed her) but so she can't see your posts, you can't see hers, and she can't post on your wall.

[NumbBlaseCold]

She is a bully.

She has found a new way to bully you.

She will do the same to your child.

Your family know what she's like and instead of standing up to her they encourage the bullying by telling her victims to put up with it.

Your family sound very involved in keeping this dynamic going and it will perpetuate to your child.

Only you can stop it.

I would send her a fb message making it clear her bullying, belittlign and guilt making will not work.

That you will not be speaking to her until she starts respecting her.

Then block her.

Then I would paste to your own fb that you will not be enabling this bad behaviour or allowing a bully to upset you.

[FrancesNiadova]

Block her.
When flying monkeys call, tell them that she's bullying you & that they are now part of her bullying ammunition. Ask if they're happy to be used in this way.
You must NOT apologise. If you do, you are just prolonging the abuse.
If she won't stop, talk to your MW about the stress it is all causing you, (then put that out to a few well chosen gossips sources)

[Stroan]

Thank you everyone, I was worried I was being a bit irrational.

It's my paternal grandmother. My parents don't indulge this at all, they have little to do with her as well and are often on the receiving end. In their defence, they didn't know how mean she was when we were kids, she was quite clever about how she went about it.

My brother is also young and very naive - he just wants everyone to be happy and get along. He normally gets this MUCH worse than I do - he works away and she hunts out his girlfriend to complain about never seeing him. I was surprised that he asked me to apologise but I think she must have been getting to him - he would normally support me 100%.

I'm going to ask her again to back off and re-iterate my request that she stops discussing me in public. if she does, we can go back to the normal routine of us visiting several times a year. Nothing else is on offer. I'm going to also make it clear that this includes Facebook comments and then I'm going to unfriend her. I can't stop her commenting but I can stop her from seeing anything I do or tagging me. I'm also going to make it clear that I don't want her mentioning our baby on Facebook at all - she plays lots of games and so has a vast number of Facebook "friends" who she doesn't actually know and it makes me a bit nervous. She would share photos etc without considering privacy.

Thanks again, I feel much stronger and able to tackle this and hopefully sort it out.

[coconutpie]

Bloody hell, she sounds like a fucking nightmare. You've already asked her to stop once and she has ignored you. So I would block and de-friend her on fb. Do not post any photos on fb, it's not sensible anyway to post photos of children on social media. Regardless of your privacy settings, someone could screen grab your photo and share it on their (possibly) public page. And then just cut contact completely. She has been horrible to you your whole life, you are under no obligation to have a relationship with that woman. Don't expose your baby to that horrible toxic cow.

[NumbBlaseCold]

Good luck Stroan.

I sadly think you will need to get very firm before she concedes.

She will not concede with dignity.

I hope it goes well.

Stay strong.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I'm going to ask her again to back off and re-iterate my request that she stops discussing me in public. if she does, we can go back to the normal routine of us visiting several times a year".

"Normal" ways of dealing with familial relations do not apply at all here; the rule book gets thrown out when it comes to such dysfunction.
I very much doubt that she will at all accede to your request; she knows she has you upset already so further contact from you is a further reward for her. She has already ignored you once and will do so again; she wants you to contact her. Her apology was anything but.

Such disordered people like this woman can simply not be at all reasoned with so just block all means of her communicating with you. You certainly should not go back to the usual routine you write of either.

The only way forward with people like this woman is to completely disengage. Do not pick up the rope that is dropped in front of you.