Our sex life is shit. Both to blame.

[bullbythehorn]

I have been with dh 12 years. When we first got together he had problems with getting a full erection and also with ejaculating inside me. I found this frustrating but we didn't talk much about it and things gradually improved so he could get and maintain an erection and come inside me. Very rarely now he has episodes where he struggles to get a full erection but with persistence manages. This has basically killed any sense of adventure sexually in me as I worry it will put DH off and he won't be able to perform. I have become boring and lazy in bed because we do things the same way and I have lost confidence too. Generally as soon as DH has an erection he wants to have sex as I am sure he is worried about loosing it. Luckily he is able to keep going for a while so it is normally satisfying but I am saddened by the lack of variety and spontaneity and our inability to talk about sex. I'd like to change things but not destroy it altogether. Where do I start?

[BolshierAryaStark]

By talking, sorry. You are married & have been having sex for 12 years, a conversation about it shouldn't be difficult. Have you considered a sex therapist?

[Friendlystories]

I agree you need to find a way to talk, me and DH have struggled with this in the past and found it easier by email/text/letter than face to face when things were particularly difficult, is that something that might work for you? Sex therapy may well be necessary but can seem a scary prospect if communication is already poor so working up to that by messaging might be a good first step. Wording is very important (which is why messaging can work rather than talking, it means you have time to consider how you put your feelings across rather than blurting stuff out) take care not to apportion blame for the issues and make it clear you see this as a mutual problem you would like to solve together rather than making him feel it's all his fault and potentially making the problem worse. Me and DH have some fairly complex issues with sex, not the same as what you're experiencing but have been struggling with them for a long time and tried lots of different ways to improve things so feel free to message me if you think it might help. If you have an otherwise good relationship and want to find a way through your problems it's worth putting the work in but it has to come from both of you so your first job has to be to find out if your DH is willing to try, that's why I've suggested the messaging idea.