Cried all the way home tonight and just see a life of loneliness ahead

[feelingroughlove]

I don't want to bleat on in self-pity...but I am feeling pretty low tonight.

I know it's been said before by many others, but the one thing missing from my life is a relationship. I'm 30. I've had long-term relationships in the past. I don't feel unable to be in a relationship. I have friends. I enjoy my job. I'm busy 90% of the time either meeting a friend, doing my own thing, seeing family or online dating. When I'm on dates they (so far!) have all requested a second date, and I enjoy the company, but there's nobody I want to commit to. What I'm trying to say is that I put myself out there as much as I can (aside from the classic 'take up a hobby' advice - I genuinely don't have a particular hobby and when I'm not with other people I'm watching my soaps, reading or shopping).

But I'm lonely. And tonight I cried all the way back from work because despite being around people the majority of my waking hours, despite having lots and lots to do, and great connections with friends, I am lonely. I am, dare I say it, happier and content in a relationship than I am when I'm alone.

I am starting to resent the advice I often see on here about 'embrace this time of your life' etc, because I HAVE done that. Yes, my life is great in mnay many ways. I'm aware of that and I appreciate aspects of it usually. But sometimes the lonliness is too much. At the end of a night everyone goes home to someone. They cook for someone else. They put their kids to bed. They have 'family days.' They are building relationships with a husband that hopefully last for life. All the while, I am just doing things 'for me.' That has no feeling of deep fulfillment in the same way as a relationship.

I don't know why I am left on the shelf...(maybe a bit dramatic but I feel sad tonight). I've never cheated and I'm independent but also crave that connection with someone again. I don't think I'm particularly unusual, so why can't I have what everyone else seems to have.

I'm terrified this is it for me now.

[Tomfoolerywot]

You need a good shag. Trust me on this.

[lighteningirl]

I have no advice that you won't have heard before just wanted to send you sympathy i was single for 15 years some great some awful but it can change in a heartbeat keep going

[mellowyellow1]

You can be lonely in a relationship too. I often feel lonely even though I have a partner

Haha a good shag is an option too!

[FanSpamTastic]

You say that guys have asked for a second date? Have you gone - or have you decided after one date that they are not for you? It sounds like you have written them off after one date as not being one you want to commit to? I think you just have to keep putting yourself out there and hope that one of these dates will one day start a spark?

[feelingroughlove]

thanks, i've had some good shags, but that's not really the answer. if it was i wouldn't be posting...

i have been on some of the second dates. i just don't feel that excitement about anyone, i suppose...

[feelingroughlove]

thanks for the replies x

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I know exactly how you feel. I didn't go out with my family on Saturday to watch the rugby down the pub as I'd be yet again the sad single. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm a good 7/10 with a awesome personality but I don't feel the spark very often.

Mine is also down to being attracted to emotionally unavailable men but I've really been putting the work in with online dating and it feels empty and hollow now. No sparks after any of the numerous dates.

I'm 27 and I want that special person.

[Inexperiencedchick]

Don't cry :)

I'm going to be 38 in couple of months. Scared of that number. Up until today I have been alone. Tried to build something but as PP said I felt lonely while being next to that person. I cry nowadays too... and hope...

There will be someone out there, one day you will be amazed by meeting the right one. Please don't cry. Smile, life is really beautiful.

Best of luck

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP (and other posters). Sounds like you're taking all the good advice you've been given. The only thing that jumps out to me from your post (and similarly Brands) is expecting sparks, or knowing you want to commit to someone after only 1-2 dates - hope I read that right! Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and them, to find/be the one? Have you tried giving the dates you meet a bit longer to get to know them, and see what might develop in time?

I remember what it's like to hope that every new man will turn out to be "the one" and the crushing disappointment when they aren't. And then it gets harder not to get even more hopeful about the next one....
You sound like a great catch - be kind to yourself, keep persevering and one day Mr/Ms Right will blindside you

[feelingroughlove]

orange thanks for your post. i think expecting the spark is a bit of a problem...

i think it's the people who say 'you just know' that has given me this idea that there needs to be sparks straight away.

also with my 2 serious exs, there was spark from day 1.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think orange is absolutely 100% spot on.

I think you need to unclench a bit about whether you are excited / feel a spark / see a longterm future with someone after a couple of hours

Just date them again. Just for fun. Because they suggest a really good date idea / they look like they might be great in bed / you're bored / he made you laugh, whatever.

I'm not saying go out with any old dregs. Of course not. But the guy who seemed like he might be a laugh for a couple of months of fun, could so easily develop into something more

Good luck OP - it made me so sad to think about you crying

[CalonDu]

This isn't your life forever, though. I was in a long relationship in my 30s which I should have got out of much earlier then had a few years on my own, during which time I did secretly wonder if this was it. But then I met someone new, aged 39, and I am much, much happier than I've ever been.

There's no rule that you have to meet The One between the ages of 25-29. You might simply not come into the orbit of the right bloke until you're 37, or 47, or 57. Or older! Don't waste energy comparing yourself with friends who look, from the outside, as if they're sorted for life - as is often said on here, you have no idea what private misery they're dealing with behind closed doors. Just have a look at some of the threads around yours...

I found getting a dog helped with the sense of connection to a living creature - not just looking after her and knowing she loved me unconditionally (sad but true), but saying hello to people while out walking, always having a topic of conversation with strangers, etc. If you can't have your own dog and quite like animals, have you thought about volunteering for something like the Cinnamon Trust, which matches volunteer walkers with housebound elderly owners? You can commit as much time as you can happily spare. Online dating depressed the hell out of me - I really think the secret to finding someone is just to meet as many people as you can, and let Fate take over the numbers game.

[BitOutOfPractice]

"also with my 2 serious exs, there was spark from day 1"

And look where that lead you - they are exes!

What I'm saying is that the OMG knee trembly starts are only one way of starting. Sometimes the best things start with a slower burn

[feelingroughlove]

bitoutofpractice thank you so much for your reply...made me feel more positive :) :)

[feelingroughlove]

calondu thank you!!! really helpful post!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Good - I'm glad it made you feel better

I am nearly three years into a relationship with a man I met online. It is the best, most complete, most lovely relationship I've ever had. But after date one I thought "Hmmm...not exactly sexual fireworks there was there?" But I tell you what, he made me laugh like a drain so I thought I'd give him a go (so to speak) and here we are and it turns out that the sexual fireworks were there after all!

[mrstweefromtweesville]

I understand about 'lonely'. I recognise most of the things you say, though my own experience was as a single parent after my marriage broke up when I was 27.

I also understand about 30. It feels old but its actually the very start of the best decades (plural) of your life. You are in an absolutely ace position.

Get a counsellor. Talk through your loneliness, fears, aspirations. I'm not suggesting you are ill or have issues. Just that it is fabulous to 'talk it through' and it will help you to tap into your inner optimism.

Good luck. You're going to have a wonderful life. Believe it.

[feelingroughlove]

bitoutofpractice i recently met someone that makes me laugh alot but the one thing missing is the sexual fireworks! maybe i'll agree to a second date after all, you never know :)

[CalonDu]

sorry, lots of x-posts! And now my reply sounds really prescriptive.

My experience of online dating was that it set up a dynamic of disappointment from the start - when I found a man who fitted with all my tick boxes, I'd be so keyed up for the date which couldn't fail, right? Because we had so much in common, right?? But then when we didn't click, it'd be twice as disappointing as going to a party, chatting with a few blokes, trying to make natural connections but nothing coming of it, because I suppose I blamed myself and wondered what it was about me that was wrong, because on paper, etc, etc.

Be kind to yourself, don't put yourself under such pressure. You're not the only person out there looking for someone to love - someone is looking for you too...

[RandomMess]

Problem with the instant spark that it is based on something that isn't necessarily healthy.

Slow burners are far better.

[BertieBotts]

This is good - and the blog in general is fab. Recommended also for the MNer who keeps finding herself attracted to emotionally unavailable men :)

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-is-a-discovery-phase-where-you/

I was not attracted to DH when I first met him. It took a while to notice. Once we got together I felt very soon that it was "different" but TBH, looking back I'd felt the same way about other blokes who were not, at all, "different".

Do the discovery thing and treat early dates more like a sussing out or even a job interview kind of thing.

[PeopleLieActionsDont]

Do you have children?
This may be crap advice, but if it is family that you want, are you set on waiting to meet the right man first or would you consider having your family now and hopefully meeting a partner in the future?

[BertieBotts]

Oh hang on sorry, this was the article I wanted to link: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dating-is-a-discovery-phase-to-work-out-if-you-want-a-relationship/

[birdsdestiny]

Personally I think all this talk of the spark is a load of rubbish, and sets people up to fail. I felt a bit meh after my first meeting with DP, although I still accidentally shagged him ... Sex was OK but nothing startling and I am sure he felt the same but a few weeks later and there was a small fire never mind a spark. Not advising my haphazard approach but sometimes its worth waiting for the slow burners.

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

Agree with all above. All my "sparks" fizzled quickly or ended in disaster! I knew DH for 6 months in a professional capacity before he asked me out, and never once had I thought of him in a romantic or tear-each-others'-clothes-off kind of way.