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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So the cheater got played

89 replies

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 15:50

Hey,
I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my unfortunate discovery that my H had been having an affair.
I slung him out, I've had ups, downs, all the emotions and have wanted him back some days.
Today he came round to see our DS and went out with him. Whilst gone I looked on his computer and he had left himself logged into FB. I read his conversations between him and OW (rotten of me I know)
And it would seem that she proclaimed her love for him and he said he loves her and now that he has left our home and found a place to live she isn't interested! The messages got a bit heated, he was clearly upset and angry at her.
I know I shouldn't but I am taking great joy out of his pain. She obviously wanted a fling with a married man and used him. Now he has nothing.
I think he deserves this. In the messages he spoke about me and how I changed after having PND and he didn't love me anymore.
I'm 19 weeks pregnant, I'm scared and anxious about the future but this had made it a little brighter.
Am I a bitch??

OP posts:

Report

DragonsCanHop · 07/10/2015 15:55

No you are not a bitch and now you can fully anticipate him trying to crawl back to you now he "realises his mistake"

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 15:57

Oh yes. One part of the conversation went something like 'So, I've lost everything...'

Yes, yes you have!

OP posts:

ihatethecold · 07/10/2015 15:59

Stay strong op.
You deserve to be happy.

spanisharmada · 07/10/2015 16:01

Nope definitely not a bitch, what a fool he was.

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 16:02

Thank you x

OP posts:

Figgygal · 07/10/2015 16:03

No way are you a both you are vindicated!!

Has he started creeping round you yet trying to find a way back in?

shutupanddance · 07/10/2015 16:03

Nope not a bitch. Karma my friend.

AdoraBell · 07/10/2015 16:04

He didn't lose anything. He threw "everything" away because he thought he had a better toy to play with.

Oops.

And no, you are most definitely not a bitch.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 07/10/2015 16:05

Yep, I had this. Ex telling me how he had no friends, no money, was unhappy. My response? It's not my problem. You made your choices, live with them.

I can't say I took much joy in it, as it was pretty clear that I was the "fall-back" position. Fuck that. I'm nobody's back up position, thank you very much. It was that thought that kept me strong ... that he wouldn't have considered trying to get back with me if his sparkly little plans hadn't gone spectacularly to shit. Never forget that.

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 16:06

He was here longer than we planned today. Being jokey and happy. Not expected since the last few messages have been me calling him an arsehole.
Not sure if it's the start of him trying to come back.
If he tries I am going to wind him up and get him to admit she doesn't want him. I want to see the pain in his eyes.

OP posts:

fishcake84 · 07/10/2015 16:09

Awesome, OP. I can't see any problem with you taking a bit of joy out of his misery. What a cock.

nilbyname · 07/10/2015 16:14

Take the high road! Feel brighter for sure and joy in his pain. But don't play games, don't wind him up.

But yeah, what a tosser!

Cherrybakewells1 · 07/10/2015 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 07/10/2015 16:18

Another vote for karmas the bitch, not you.

RedMapleLeaf · 07/10/2015 16:21

Tell him you've come to terms with his decision and are wondering when they'll be moving in together.

tableanadchairs · 07/10/2015 16:28

I love Karma . She is awesome

just watch you don't fall for his charm OP. You have been forewarned-what you do with this information is for you to decide (and have some fun with)

goddessofsmallthings · 07/10/2015 16:29

Tell him that you want to crack on with a divorce so that he's free to marry the love of his life and you're free to take up with a lovely guy who's expressed an interest in you find a man who takes his marriage vows seriously.

QueenofallIsee · 07/10/2015 16:33

You are human, I think that there are very very few people that would not get some satisfaction from his wankish behavior blowing up in his face. Do not be shocked if he decided that he has made a mistake and wants you back - he will use the baby to try and force your hand. You deserve better OP

BabyGanoush · 07/10/2015 16:34

how nice, the bastard, don't feel bad!

mulranna · 07/10/2015 16:34

Yes - tell him that you would like to be civil and move forward in a positive and constructive way - so you would like to meet up with her so that you can clarify their access arrangements with your DS.

....but they might get back together....

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 16:35

I am a bit anxious about this. It's still very raw, I'm hurt and I hate it but I still love him. And there is our DS and baby.
But I want to stay strong. I won't ever trust him again. Before this happened I was ignored by him for months (unless he wanted sex), I did all the housework, cooking, looking after our DS as well as working. I don't want that again.
I'm sure he'd make promises of change but would later slide back into old routines.
I'm not ready to meet someone else and won't be for a very long time but I know I will. I want to feel loved and appreciated. I want to have fun with my partner and trust them to look after me and my DC. I want to feel attractive and wanted.

OP posts:

Cherrybakewells1 · 07/10/2015 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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mulranna · 07/10/2015 16:51

Think carefully what you want in the long term.

You might not know what that is right now and it may or may not be even possible. And it might change over time.

He might not want to come back, he might not be able to change, you might not be able to accept him or live with trust issues, he might do it again, she might have him back (once he is back with you)

You have had one almighty shock - you have been badly injured and you need to heal yourself.

I am 6 months on post affair - we are together, we have worked very hard thru CC and he has jumped through hoops to make and sustain changes. I have remained open minded through out to see if it would work again.

There is a really good book about "rebuilding" - the onus is all on him to do all 15 steps - I will try to find the link for you.

But there is no rush to get back together - it is a slow process.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2015 16:57

OP, I am delighted for you. I firmly believe what goes around comes around and I have trod this same utterly shit path.

Put yourself and your DC's first. You are not his "fallback". He made his choice, the grass was not greener and he's a dick. He gets everything he deserves in my opinion.

I am slowly rebuilding my life, it takes time and effort, but it can be done. I am now glad my ex-h has gone. You will be too given time to heal. You are worth way more than this

rockabillyruby82 · 07/10/2015 16:59

Thank you mulranna that's good advice. It's not just about me, it's what's best for my DC.
I am most certainly not ready to talk about forgiveness. I need time and he needs to be on his own. And I imagine once I've healed I'll be happy without him, I'm a fairly independent woman, I have amazing friends.
I can't think further than 2-3 days ahead right now.

OP posts:

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