Does anyone remember me?

[doesnayoneremember]

I am not sure if anyone remembers me. I had a thread about 19 or 20 months ago because my Fiance disappeared and wouldn't explain why. He just changed overnight and went from being lovely to being horrible and he left me in a hotel room with my sick child.

I asked for my thread to be deleted back then because I was so upset and in so much shock I gave away too much personal information and someone pm'd me to say they had found me online, but back then everyone was so great and helped me so much. I remember mathanxiety and garlic and sorry to anyone else (my memory has not worked so well since all this).

So I am a while on from all of this but I just feel like giving up. I am so tired of fighting so hard for so long and just want to curl up and go to sleep. I would never hurt myself (could not do that to my family) but I sometimes sit for hours staring at a knife or a busy road and the idea of it all just being gone in a second seems so peaceful. I don't want anyone to worry for me, I would never do it. I just feel that lost.

I do try. I do everyhting. I went to counselling for a year and a half. It got me through. I generally put on a happy face and sometimes even feel happy but there is just this black empty space inside that I can;t ever seem to escape from.

I miss him. I never properly understood why he did what he did. We did get back together once or twice but only for a few days and he never went back to who he was or ever gained normalcy. It was like he just lost all his love for me in one day and he could never explain.

There was never another woman and his life did not get happier after what he did. He actually became a heavy drinker at first and seems to go off the rails a bit. He's now skinny, lives a quiet life and is on anti depressants.

The last conversation I had with him he told me he just stopped loving me but he could not say when or why or why he had to leave in such a ball of flames and cause so much destruction on the way out the door.

I had to live with him being so viscious. He turned people against me and told me it was all my fault.

He'd always been the big love of my life and the person I loved and trusted the most. I never throught he would or could ever harm me, he was so protective of me and kind, so I struggle in my midn with it all.

I think the day he stopped loving me and decided to harm me, was the day I stopped loving myself and absolutely nothing can ever regain that.

I'm not asking for advice I suppose. Just feel so tired. I thought time would bring me answers and it never did.

[doesnayoneremember]

Also, I know people will say "he didn't stop loving you in a day". But he really did. Even now when I talk to him, he knows he made a choice that day which changed our lives forever.

Our family was in a big crisis (financial) and for whatever reason he just decided that day to escape it and run away to save his own arse. He left me and my sick child homeless and then he hated himself so turrned to the bottle and got depressed and spread lies about me to make himself look better.

And I can see, it's plainly obvious, that he destroyed himself too when h did what he did. I know, deep down, he loved me and caused himself as much pain as he did me but I can't understand why I wasn't able to stop it or what I should have done or could have done

I can't trust anyone again.

The betrayal is so awful and stings me, but seeing him as nothing and is lost himself makes me feel like life has become a bad dream. I don't feel safe in the world at all.

[doesnayoneremember]

Thank you thirtyfive xxx

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Hi does I don't really frequent Relationships much but you sound like you've been through thr wringer and then some

[doesnayoneremember]

I'm just so tired and afraid it is never going to go away.

I would love to love someone and be loved, but I don't value myself anymore - so no one else does either. I get treated so badly by men and forgot how to even stick up for myself.

[doesnayoneremember]

I can't remember anything anyore. I don't do thing I am supposed to. Like I don't open my mail. I just can't cope with things anymore. I find work still so hard. I am not depressed, just lost.

[doesnayoneremember]

I feel like I am a bad Mum. I know I am okay in some ways but not like I used to be. Nothing about me is as good as it used to be.

[mummytime]

You sound dreadfully depressed, actually.
Have you tried talking to your GP? Maybe show them this thread.

You definitely need some counselling to be able to move on.

[doesnayoneremember]

I'm not depressed. I have had a lot of counselling. Spent all my money on it but nothing makes it better really.

Someone said to me those 18 months ago that he saw the titanic was sinking and jumped ship and then someone else said that what he'd actually done was to see the ship was sinking and told his wife and kids to wait in steerage and he'd be right back and then taken the space on the lifeboat.

They were right.

He did it for money. After all those years and all the ups and downs I had been there for him through; we had money problems and he fucked off and left me with a sick child with pneumonia. Then he stood there and told me it was all my fault, and told everyone else and he watched as I took the fall for it.

I don't even hate him. I loved him so it's hard. I sometimes feel like the only way I will ever feel better is if I do hate him, but then I am not sure who I am anymore.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

I know this sounds flippant but it really it isn't but do you ever have time for 'you', do you get to have time to have fun and enjoy yourself to take a mental 'break' from thinking about it all?

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

And no you're not a bad mother, you love your children and are there for them, of course you feel different you've been through a life changing situation.

Sometimes if I feel overwhelmed or done in and the thought of getting through it seems impossible. I do what I read on MN, I take baby steps, I focus on getting through the first hour, the afternoon, the day, etc and ok it's not a plan but it gets me through and I'm alright and that's fine.

[doesnayoneremember]

Oh yes. I have a normal life. I do things for myself. I buy myself little treats. I have date nights. I enjoy simple things like a nice clean set of sheets or a good book. I sometimes sit and stare out the window and feel peaceful. I go out with friends. I have an amazing family. My friends are a life support. I love my son. I date.

It's difficult to explain. Small things happen and I collapse and feel right back there. I sometimes struggle just to do anything and I don;t tel anyone.

I feel like I am play acting my life and just waiting for it to be over.

I lost a fair bit of weight after he left. Got my hair done. New wardrobe. Have never looked better and get asked out all the time and seemingly always seem to have someone on the go.

People look at me and say "oh she is so much happier and better after fiance left" but inside there is deadness.

None of the men really care about me.

When they don't...I am not even suprised because why would they? If he didn't and I don't why would anyone else?

At the same time I can't be alone. I always have to be dating someone in some way shape or form because when it's quiet I just feel sad and alone.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Could it be that, like me, you mistook pain for love?

It is definitely possible to be depressed without feeling depressed iyswim. After all, with everything turned to shit, anyone would feel down, right? Trouble is, depression warps one's perception. A short course of ADs might well be of benefit - in my case they helped me see things clearer and leave a crap marriage. Worth a try?

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Tbh I'm not surprised you feel this way, definitely keep talking though, on here to friends in RL, it's like you're grieving - there isn't an actual time frame to be 'over it'.

[doesnayoneremember]

I don't really know what mistaking pain for love means.

Our relationship was never painful. We were happy and loved each other. I never doubted that for a day. If anything I always thought he loved me more; not because I didn't love him enough or as much as i could; but because I felt like he saw me in a way no one else ever had. The ay he looked at me was just with such love all the time. Hard to explain.

I loved him every day for the things he was, the partner he was, Dad he was and all the little things in between. I miss talking to him more than i miss anything. I miss sharing parenting with him. DS is being bullied and it's so hard to cope with it without him. He always knew just what to say.

I just miss him all the time.

the hardest part of getting through all of it is knowing he is the one who did it to me.

I will never quite fully believe that.

It's still a bit like living like through a pane of glass.

He was a very weak man. One of the many things i loved about him actually was that gentleness and the way he bent so easily but in the end his backbone wasn;t strong enough to stand by us when rough seas came.

I can still honestly never understand how cruelly he did it.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

It sounds like what you had was quite different to my relationship, even in its earliest days. I was likely projecting re pain/love.

Still think ADs might be worth a try.

[whatsagoodusername]

I remember you. I'm so sorry things haven't improved for you You still sound so shell-shocked. Did you have ADs with your counselling?

[Trooperslane]

Second ad's/more counselling.

Sounds like you're putting on your happy mask, seeming like all is ok whilst feeling dead inside.

Did it for years, op. (Different reason, but still went on waaayyyyy too long).

Much counselling and citalopram and I'm a different woman. Not 100%, but doing so much better.

I feel for you. You've been let down badly, but that mask of happy person is exhausting and is so hard to keep up.

Lots of hugs X

[doesnayoneremember]

I am still shell shocked.

Its funny, I thought that would go away eventually but it never did.

No, I didnt ever take anti depressants. He is on them and they turned him into an even worse zombie and I've gone quite anti drugs.

I'm exhausted from counselling to be honest. So much of it and it's like going in circles. I don't ever honestly feel like anyone understands and so that makes me feel alone. Even when I talk about it, which is very rare, I feel like I am the only person in the world who could ever know. It makes me lonely.

It is exhausting to keep up the mask. 2 - 3 days a month I just have cry days, where i cry all day and get it out. the rest of the time I make an effort.

I was trying to think of ways to feel some direction or some future for me.

What I always wanted was the husband and the kids and the family and it didn't work out that way and can't figure any situation where I would be a person anyone would want to marry (too many demons) or where I could trust someone if they ever did anyway.

So maybe need to think of something new, a new dream and a new direction for myself to give me a purpose.

I feel like I failed at life.

[manandbeast]

I don't post often, but something in your pain spoke to me.

You will get through this.

Despite the immeasurable pain he has caused you, you bravely keep on going. For now, it feels like a charade - putting one foot in front of the next, socialising, dating. But you're doing it.

And after a while, once the pain and shock and hurt start to heal, you will start to feel again.

You are numb with pain right now but, really, life is so, so long people can live many lives in one life and I promise you that this will pass and you will get better.

[doesnayoneremember]

thank you x

[TheSilveryPussycat]

The right meds shouldn't make you into a zombie, although it can sometimes take a few weeks for them to be effective. Different meds suit different physiologies, so it is worth returning to GP if first ones don't seem right for you.

Lots of help on the Mental Health board should you decide to try ADs - or even if not. TBH you do sound depressed

Only other thing I can do is send warmest wishes x

[amarmai]

ds is being bullied and you are the one he needs to help him. His father is not going to , so you have to. Or years later you'll be messaging on mn about what happened to your son and how you cannot forget it. Stop thinking about a man who is not there for his son or you and look after your son NOW. Maybe a martial arts class wd be good for your son and you?

[daisychain01]

Perhaps the worst part is the lack of resolution you feel. It isn't like you can draw an imaginary line in the sand to be able to move forward.

I don't have an answer for you I am sorry to say but I do commend you. maybe you don't realise but you actually sound an incredibly resilient and resourceful person. You have been there for your DC and been strong through a very dark time in your life. X