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Advice needed... Abusive ex

5 replies

MammyInTraining · 05/10/2015 21:41

Ok, here is my problem. My dd's father was abusive when we were together. We separated when she was 2 mths now she is 2 yes old. He has no legal rights to her, his name is not on her birth cert. In general he is a good father, but he often spoils her and when she has stayed with him he doesn't bathe her or feed her as well as I would like.The most she has stayed is a night.
He continues to be "in love" with me or so he claims. We generally get on.
Last night he came to my house uninvited at 10pm. Dd was on the verge of sleeping and was crying when I answered so I let him in quickly.Put her to sleep and went to talk to him. He saidhad a missed call from me, which he had no proof of. Anyway he was a bit drunk and high on something. Later I realized he opened my fb. Anyway he started arguing. Blaming me for not seeing his did that day and for having lost work, because he had forgotten his phone in my house. Saying who do you think you are etc... Several times I asked him to step back. Long story short it took me forever to get him to leave. Agreed to child arrangements just to get him out the door and not risk myself. I was pretty nervous.
It is not the first time we have argued this way or I have felt in danger sincewe seperated . I am really tired of it. He doesn't help me much economically, but he has helped me a lot babysitting. My dd adores him and him her.
For the last two months he has looked after her on Mondays and Wednesdays on Weds she stays the night. Often we spend time the 3 of us which has been my mistake, but dd really enjoyed it.
He wants her to stay more often with him and now without me which would be pleasure to see less of him... except for his violence.
Anyway I don't know what is the best for both did and me... Advice needed. Should proceed to get him out of our lives or see less of him and let did see him twice a week... Advice??

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MammyInTraining · 05/10/2015 21:44

Btw thank you for reading and sorry for my bad punctuation, I am writing from my phone and it is quite cheap and not very good.

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goddessofsmallthings · 06/10/2015 02:02

He's a loose cannon and one spark will set him off.

You've said that last night wasn't the first time you've felt in danger since you separated, but you let your dd stay with him unsupervised and overnight even though you know he drinks and gets high. Where's the logic in that?

He's not a 'good father'. He can't be arsed to feed his child properly or keep her clean and the fact that he spoils her will work against you in the future as you'll be the one she'll fight against because 'daddy wouldn't make me' clean her teeth, eat healthily, go to school etc.

Stop using him as a babysitter. If he turns up uninvited again don't let him in and call the police if he kicks off on your doorstep. If he harasses you get a non-molestation order to keep him away from your home.

You know that the more time you spend with him, the more chance there is that he'll abuse you and last night was just a taste of what's to come if you're foolish enough to keep entertaining him.

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MammyInTraining · 06/10/2015 05:26

Thank you for reading all of that I didn't realize just how long it was!
Of course you are right, I find it hard to make such big decisions about my child's life, I suppose it will take getting used.

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pocketsaviour · 06/10/2015 15:20

Your DD is tiny and you need to make the decisions that are hard, and may cause you expense and hassle (e.g. childcare) but that you know are for her good in the long run.

This man is a violent, unpredictable drinker and drug-taker. I wouldn't let him take care of my hamster for an hour, let alone a child overnight.

I think you already know what you need to do. I suggest ringing Womens Aid and getting their advice. As he's not on the birth certificate you're in a strong position, and until he chooses to take you to court to seek a contact order, you have no legal requirement to let him see your DD.

I suspect that his interest in her so far has simply been an excuse to keep controlling you.

Document everything he says from now on, including last night when you had trouble getting rid of him. I think it would be a good idea for you to log this with 101 in case he comes to your place again - they can put a flag on your address so that if you have to call them out, they will attend quickly.

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MammyInTraining · 07/10/2015 03:47

OK, yes I have decided to put a 101 on him. I don' t really think he would take me to court as he acts more impulsivly. He does adore Dd, but you are right that he is using her to control me. He doesn't generally drink and if he does it is on his own free time, but he does smoke weed which has been a problem.
Another question any ideas on how to handle this with dd.