Is this how you date? Or am I doing it 'wrong' because of other reasons? So confused.

[isthisitmandy]

I ended a relationship earlier this year...we'd lived together, planned to buy a house and were together 4 years. I'm 29, he's 30. Reasons for ending it were that h, unbeknown to me, was planning to work in Vancouver, told me at the last minute (ie he had know for a month before he felt the need to tell me), and said I needed to 'deal with it because it was only for 18 months.' The context of how he handled it was rubbish... his mum even told him he was behaving horribly towards me (and she never speaks bad of him). I'd planned my life around us starting this new life together with a new home etc, and he didn't even tell me he had a completely different plan... there's more to it but that's the nutshell - and how can you be with someone you cannot trust in that way? So I ended it.

I felt shit for a few weeks, then I picked myself up a bit and went online dating. I've met some lovely people. So far, all the 5 people I've met have wanted to meet again. I've met 3 of them more than once. I am worried I am doing the dating thing wrong... these 3 men are great - good jobs, good conversation, decent people. Close friends and family say I need to give things time before you feel like there;s a proper spark...but that's never been the case for me in the past. Obviously with my ex feelings grew each time we met, but there was an initial connection, and the same with my ex before that.

I heard from my ex a few weeks ago, and he apologised for everything. He didn't initiate getting back together, and I don't know if I would even want that. But last night on a date with a really great guy, I kept thinking how funny my ex was and how close we were. But when I ended it I was relieved.

I don't know what's going on and don't even know if I have the right expectations for dating. Don't people say they meet someone and when it's the one they 'just know'? I felt more like that with my exes, (though not properly as I'm too cautious), but with these men it feels like a much slower process. Am I older and more bitter or something? I feel rubbish and like I'm never going to be close with anyone and 'madly in love feeling' again.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

I think you're probably not in the right place to startdating someone else. It's not compulsory.

Just because these men are nice and have good jobs doesn't mean they're right for you.

Just have a break from it all fir a bit.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Maybe it's just a bit too soon for you to be meeting 'the one' - normally with a relationship break up there's a bit of time when things go downhill, you argue more, realise your priorities are different, try to fix things etc.

It sounds like the end of your relationship was quite sudden with his secretive approach to moving away, so you didn't have the time to process the end of this relationship properly.

I would suggest still meeting up for dates, enjoy your time out, but while you are still comparing them unfavourably to your ex they don't stand a chance at becoming serious. It sounds like you're definitely doing something right if all the people you have met are nice and want to meet up again!

The madly in love feeling will come again when the person AND the time is right. For now, you're less likely to dwell on how wonderful your ex was if you're going out and having fun with other people, rather than sitting at home moping, so keep at it.

The fact that your ex has had a bit of time to himself to ponder how badly he handled things shows that you were right to feel hurt by his behaviour. Apologising is all well and good now, but whatever drove him to make these big plans and keep them from you was still a very real part of the relationship. Whether that is his selfishness, him not trusting you to react in the way he wanted you to or just being a coward, it wasn't a great move from him and shows a major character flaw. Try to remember that when you're comparing new dates to him.

[isthisitmandy]

thanks thisisfolk

I considered that but I don't think that's what it is. I only went dating when I felt 'ready' - I don't feel sad about my ex generally, and I'm ready to be with someone new. As far as im aware, anyway

[category12]

If you're having fun dating, just have fun and don't worry about getting into a relationship or a spark. Leave the "is this going anywhere" mentality to one side, and just enjoy meeting men and going out.

If you're not enjoying it, leave it a while longer.

[anothernumberone]

I definitely did not have an initial spark with Dh and I did with my most serious ex. Dh grew on me though and continues to after all these years. Ex on the other hand is the ex for a reason. It can go either way I think.

[TheStoic]

That's the problem with OLD (one of them, anyway) - things don't really progress organically. Everyone is in a rush to decide Yes or No on the basis of a few dates.

Personally, I do believe attraction can grow slowly. All my long term relationships have developed from friendships.

OLD, however, is a different ball game. If the attraction is not there straight away, you don't have the luxury of working with someone, or being in a friendship group with someone etc to see what happens naturally.

It's a shame, but that's what OLD is. Perhaps drop your expectations, and just decide whether you actually want to spend time with someone again. Don't worry about where it's going, or where the butterflies are, or what the future may hold.

[isthisitmandy]

thanks mark just to clarify, the above was a shortened version and it was going downhill for a while after i realised he'd lied about so many things...we tried to fix it but he literally couldnt bring himself to just be honest and respectful. hence the relief when it ended...no more games. he said he was worried about how i would react etc...but to be honest, anyone who's partner is planning on moving like that after you're making serious life plans with a partner, isn't going to react well. but i'm not the type of person to have stopped him... all this stuff we went over but he couldnt just be straightforward with me and it was so tiring.

I agree that going out is helping to keep the realisation that there are other men aside from my ex. perhaps it is a matter of timing, like you say.

category thanks for your reply, will take that advice!

[Trills]

It doesn't sound like you are DOING anything wrong.

But you are not feeling what you want to be feeling.