Family estrangement

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

I've posted about this before but I'm feeling quite low about my situation and would welcome a bit of encouragement.

Moved house for a new job - it was about this time last year that I got an offer on the place I was selling and could start the process in earnest.

Also about this time last year that was the last time my dad spoke to me. I called him to ask his advice about a back boiler as I'd never heard of one, then nothing else was ever said. I got a text on christmas day. No questions about how the move was going.

He said he would help me out a bit with moving costs but never did. I did it on my own and with help from friends. I lived in a variety of fairly hair-raising temporary situations till my purchase came through, because I was on a tight budget. I started my new job. It seems to be going well.

None of my family know where i live now. I thought I'd wait and see how long it was before any of them asked how the move was going, so far it's 12 months.

Most of the time I'm fine with it, last week was a special 'what's great about family' programme on the radio and it has knocked me a bit.

I don't need them, do I?

[Joysmum]

There's obviously a back story I don't know but based purely on this, I've not contacted people that seem only to be in contact when they need something.

Clearly there's something else going on in your case, could you perhaps link to previous threads?

[kittybiscuits]

I manage just fine with no contact with family. Sometimes I worry that I have no back up if something happens to me or DC, but I had no back up when they were in my life. I don't miss the headgames.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

Hi joy - I suppose it does come across as a bit needy, but yes, there is a lot of back story. You say you don't contact 'people' - is family in that basket for you? Do you have any expectations about family being there for you at times of significant change? I don't know how to search for past posts, but there's certainly one at the time the move was in progress just asking whether I was out of order expecting family to take an interest.

Thanks for the positive message, kitty - I have managed fine for a year, after all, and I'm sure I'll continue.

[Sighing]

It's very odd that they haven't. There is a back story. But. It is (to me) the responsibility of an adult to invite contact by simple things such as change of address cards, sending birthday cards or messages.

[Imbroglio]

There is obviously a back story but I would probably expect close family to be contacting me when they moved with details of the new address.

When you needed help with the move, did you ask for it?

Did you send Christmas cards/texts?

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

I asked if they might look after my dog for 2 weeks while I found a new place.

"Maybe"

I didn't ask for anything else.

I accept that I am probably being a bit childish.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

Sorry, yes, I did send Christmas cards but at that point I didn't have a new place sorted so couldn't put an address in them.

[LumelaMme]

Maybe try sending out your new address with Christmas cards in early December and see if that prompts any contact.

I know that if I had got a Christmas card from a relative I knew was in the middle of moving, I'd have emailed or texted to ask for their new address.

The fact is, though, that some relatives are just bloody useless.

[RandomMess]

I think what happens is that you know that you're family aren't genuinely interested in you and won't support you and you kind of just can't be arsed with the social etiquette. Well at least that is what happened for us, they will never be there for me so why bother making an effort when life is bloody hard enough as it is.

because you want to be wrong, you want to believe they care/are interested and it hurts when you have to face reality.

[pallasathena]

Why are you waiting for your family to ask? I really don't get where you're coming from o/p. You say your dad sent you a text, did you reply? When they said 'maybe' about looking after your dog did you find out if it would be a problem? I'm sorry, but you're coming over as incredibly needy here and as if you're in a permanent strop about something or other. Care to enlighten?

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

Not really, pallas, but thanks for your thoughts.

Thanks everyone else too, your posts have given me food for thought and one thing I'm taking away is that this is as much a choice I'm making as something that is happening to me.

[springydaffs]

I don't think you sound needy at all but you do sound vague. You've not given any details (back story) and you seem to be involved in a stand off with your family.

More info?

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

Hi springy sorry for vagueness ! I didn't want to pile too much in the post because without context it really will look a bit like a tantrum, and the more context I put the more identifying it all gets. But the backdrop to all this is a lifelong feeling of being the unwanted child in the family.

It has been helpful to see the posts here, and I think a standoff is exactly the right word. I could choose to end it but I choose not to. I am happier being independent than being judged.

[springydaffs]

But you're not happy

I know the pain of family neglect, the agonising slow burn of it. Yy better not to have them but oh so painful coming to terms.

Have you looked at the dynamics of toxic families? It helps to read up on all that stuff to give it context - that you aren't the only one, basically. And you really aren't! If you told your story it wouldn't necessarily be identifying bcs all the stories are similar.

There is an org called Stand Alone that supports ppl who are estranged from family. Quite small/new, fb-based support from what I can gather (obviously safe/confidential), but they have support groups in London and a few major cities.

You sound all of a tizz You're not alone with this, plenty of us out here xx

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

I've read a little - my brother is definitely the Golden Child, to the extent that my dad's speech at my wedding was all about how fabulous my brother was, which was unexpected! In fact I didn't even come first on my wedding day, dad was late and missed the photos planned before leaving my house because, he said, my brother was upset about splitting up with his girlfriend and needed cheering up. I had the photos taken with my bridesmaids instead - my three best friends. Just one example of my friends being there for me instead of my family. It's always been a rubbish relationship.

I read about family scapegoating too, it doesn't matter what the scapegoat achieves, they will never be celebrated or recognised, as that's not their role. And that resonates with me. I've had some really high-profile career successes - front page of national papers stuff - none of which have ever been spoken about.

Reading lumela's post above made me realise that actually I don't want them to know where I live.

[LumelaMme]

God, OP, I don't know what made me check this thread, but that is so sad. I was coming to that point with my father before he died: I dreaded him turning up and needing me, when he'd almost never put himself out on my account and didn't seem to give a monkeys for me or my children.

because you want to be wrong, you want to believe they care/are interested and it hurts when you have to face reality.
That is so bloody true.

I the future is brighter for you.

[LumelaMme]

I hope the future is brighter.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

Thank you. I'm sure it will be :)

[MsMarthaMay]

springydaffs please do you have a link to the Stand Alone group?

[springydaffs]

Sorry, not on laptop, Martha. Google?

[Imbroglio]

standalone.org.uk/

Googled.

[Heatherplant]

I'm estranged from family. It was actually the best decision of my life. Friends are the family you chose. Hopefully the future is better for you, plus you say you have DC now so you've family of your own making.